I had select favorites and waited to be .. Next on his list...
I have an incredible life- really and sometimes it oozed out onto twitter - but then I realized I was watching one person more and more.
I was fascinated by his words, by his life by his brain. Yep, his thoughts. I write this knowing that many of you will get it and others will wonder.. Why?
Why would I be so attracted to another person online ? I knew my spouse was using this medium, and I was aware of his choices (and soon to be infidelities)it all just made me more of an introvert.
Struggling with my lonely news I continued to search, but truth is I'm not good with strangers. I'm not going to meet anyone from a dating service or an online meeting.
What was I thinking, when I was just that, to this beautiful long lost friend... I never realized Im just another face in the crowd, just another fan.
What made me think I was special - was it my imagination or my need to focus on something besides what was this impending failure of my marriage.
I can't deny that I wanted to believe it was more and that I was blind to my own misjudgments. I'm not unable to understand this type of friendship, I've had to endure my fair share of people who liked me, followed me and even yes stalked me at my work. I've net so many people, I've worked retail and restaurant and I know " Meet and Greet" It was something that I wasn't afraid of, but never did I think that I would become enamored with heavy metal again, and this heart of mine sure remembered the painful moments of -- the past.
I guess when I lost all hope I clung tight to what was and is the only thing that I could control-- and yet my understanding was clouded by a faded memory and roots deep in my childhood of a girl that walked away from it all.
I realized, I continue to walk away from it all- I taught myself to do that and it started with ... Friends, family and even love. I left myself behind and forced myself to get it together, probably long before I was ready.
This pattern repeats over and over, and the shattered bits and pieced of my life are sharp, cold and broken.
Buried deep within my soul I believed I had been able to stay true to the life I've only dreamed of; finding Steve and achieving my life goals shined new light on very dark shadows of my past.
I had a deeply buried long forgotten love for music that was now front and center. I can't explain in words exactly by music I was delivered.
When I started digging for what to do, to save my sanity when all around me was the loss of everything I believed in.. Music comforted me. Jazz played softly in my ears and the notes held me tight to loving memories of a childhood rich in traditional ways of piano like the first time you hear Linus and Lucy by Vince Guraldi. How does this work... I'm comforted by Jazz and I'm longing for heavy metal??! Huh?
I found Testament again, and I was hooked on the fabulous jazz of Alex Skolnick Trio? Is this nirvana ..
(I have some guarded memories of listening to Testament in a studio in Oakland back in the 80's, the best way to describe it is to say the my heart hurt to listen to the music. And it was bigger than I could handle along with the players. I just couldn't translate it, and that moved me deeply. Wait-My heart hurt??)
I was happy, this was my "Laughing place". I had rediscovered it inside me, and for the first time I didn't run or hide or pretend to he happy. It was refreshing , invigorating and motivating -
A spirit had returned to me that I was unable to face for more than 20 years. (had i the ability to translate it now- through the pain!? )
I used to drive to my happy-place to
See a view, the beach, the park, top of Mt.Tam - I was connected to my car, the road and a lonely truth that I assigned to myself. With my line on music, something that I really needed became clear. I could just turn it on, and instantly find zen. Better than drugs!
I was grateful. Positive that change was important and I focused on that goal. After I knew my children would be ok, I spread my wings and flew the proverbial coup.
Not nirvana ...
I loved enough to let go. I did not shut out the pain, or try to get over it and just move on - I just lived one day at a time.
Slowly the obvious became clear.
Long before the split, we split.
Much was neglected, and everything was different. And when you can count the people that care about you on one hand.. It is easy to see where the light shines; nothing stands in the way of progress like waiting for the past to make itself better. I'll not regret my life, and I forgive you Steve.
Many mysteries remain, that keep us apart. I'll not forget that you lost sight of us, and clearly found your own way.
Finding my own way, I look not to anyone to write my stories, or formulate my truth. I could pine away for the perfect person, and I could make myself sick thinking about the people I wish I was near to.
Or I could resist the temptation to lurk, and enjoy letting go. ;) lurking is weird - I'm not lurking or weird !
I continue to strengthen my healthy appetite for seeing friends, and remain steadfast for the ones that have remained near. As i move into the future this time I'm only going to show my authentic self no longer beleaguered with emotional compromises.
This is who I am. I love to love. And more than this, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you..but- I'm glad I've broken through to the other side of tears and sadness and perfection.
This is ... Nirvana
Live long and prosper!!
Liz
