owner of a broken heart

Just a little note to keep in touch...

You see I love to keep in the good graces of my family and I often write, call and email. Lately I have realized that I am an owner of a broken heart. That doesn't mean that I cant find love or that it hasn't found me...Its just that I think I have one of those defective ones, because I don't seem to hate anyone no matter what they do to me.

I have time and time again, worn my heart on my sleeve and have offered it up for grabs, and even put it out for all to see, only to have it stolen, chaffed, run over, stomped on and even- lost for awhile. I have since found it, and I have put it back where it belongs, right here...or is it?

You see I am wondering where does our hear belong? The Beatles said, we should hide our love away, and NO wonder because of all of the things on earth is there anything more talked about more debated more used and satirized that the human heart? Musicians, artists, poets, lovers and haters, everyone has a heart-- right?

It's made of gold, no wonder everyone wants to collect them ! Do we even know how much our heart is worth, I am willing to say that few people have ever studied the heart and exactly what it does for them everyday. If ever there was a taken for granted item its got to be the human heart, for all it does, for the love for the life for the blood and for the millions of beats, do we even understand how it works?

What makes you tick?

I have a story I tell once in awhile, about my mother, whom I love with all my heart, and this experience felt as if the hand of God touched my life. If you don't believe me, shoot me, but read this and think about how much of a coincidence it is...

I spent my freshman year of High School at Albany High School in California. I followed my Brother there, who was without a doubt the genius 2nd in his class only to a kid who never received a B in his life...???! As he considered school a joke, he was the chemist, the French student, the cross country runner, he could pass every class without even trying, and did , at the age of 16. Went on to Cal Berk, and so on, I was not like him, and my life had taken this odd and supernatural turn, for reasons I don't know why, it just was more and more obvious that I was being tested. I was treated terribly as I was not the student he was, I eventually left this school for a far better school, BHS, and this was the story I told to the Superintendent, that allowed my to achieve a transfer and the last, the very last-- pass to change schools.

I had been stuck in a horrible health class, after my fall from grace in biology. The teacher was not only the auto shop teacher he was the drivers ed teacher as well, he looked like Ted Bunde from Married with Children, and he was about as intelligent. One morning he said to the class don't forget your term papers are due Friday better not forget. I said, ah what term paper? He said, oh you weren't here when we assigned them so you have three days, here's your subject good luck. He gave me a torn piece of paper, all it said was " heart attacks". That's it, no outline no assignment per say, just this tiny note left over from what was probably a bowl of choices.

I did my homework, I do my work! I went to the library, and checked out every book they had, there was mostly reference books so I had to do what ever I could to read and learn when was there. I went to the Cal Berk Library, and looked at all the great health books thanks to my Brother, and was really interested in learning about the heart. I was open to learning new things, and found similar and redundant information in most books. During the eighties open heart surgery was still a very mysterious thing, and the biggest part of this surgery that was emphasized was the anaesthesia, and the Dr. who applies it. The procedure at the time was to stop the heart and then put it on the machine to give drugs, and balance fluid, and blood through the machine until the patient is ready to come out of it. The line of knowledge for drugs is thin, too much and you die or don't wake up, too little you can feel pain and wake up! Its amazing that we have made progress from the 8o's but most of the concepts remain, fix the heart, and take drugs. Dr's cant be exactly sure what is the perfect mix, or amount, its a hope most of the time, its a love and the Dr will stay with the patient the entire time hes being treated.

A new heart is still , not widely used, I learned about pace makers, and digitalis's. Defibrillators , were still new outside-hardware, big and useful but not perfect like the body.

I learned how read the signs of heart attack, the dizziness, and fainting the pain in the arm, and other extremities, and how to treat for shock. I found out that when the heart stops from a heart attack that the brain is at risk for damage because the lack of blood flow to it, that raising the feet and knees higher than the head is most important, this has not changed. Treating for shock and getting emergency care also hasn't changed. When we think about how often people have symptoms, we should not forget how we can help. (Know the signs and offer care)

I did my paper, and drew and hand painted beautiful image of the heart and the four chambers and the ventricles and labeled the entire painting, with correct blood colors and correct names; that was my cover, of my ten page paper. I turned it in on Friday, on time and in plastic. I was elevated to know I could do it. My teacher looked less than impressed as I handed it to him.

On Saturday morning, I awoke to the usual morning, at my house, coffee and fresh pastries, and I was always eating those fattening pastries, ooh they are so good in Berkeley. Big round pastries with cream cheese and blueberries! I was quite full, and needed a walk, after that. My mother loves to walk, and she said, lets go I will walk with you. So we proceeded to do as we always do, walk up up up to hills in Berkeley, looking at the beautiful houses and trekking up the steep and winding streets; I thought we would get lost but my mom loved to just wander and it was a nice thing to do, and just talk. This day we had gone only about two or so miles, and it was warmer than usual I remember. We passed a house, that had a beautiful dark red plum tree, the kind that just drips ripe fruit onto the ground, the kind that invites you to it, with shade and fragrance. She reached for the plum, and she said oh, dear, and in a voice I did not recognize she started to banter, I cant see, I am dizzy, I cant see oh no...

I turned and caught her as she fell -- I knew in my heart=-=- OMG- shes having a heart attack-- and I knew exactly what to do. We were on a hill, and it was perfect for putting her head down to keep the blood in her brain and keep her healthy, I put my head in my lap,and I talked to her and held her. In what could not have been but a minute the owner of the house, ran out, and said, "I am a fireman, the ambulance is coming!!" I did not even know where we were but in seconds we were whisked off to the hospital, just me and my mom. My Mother as it turned out, had not eaten any breakfast, she had only had coffee, and the caffeine was effecting her heart rate so badly that she might not have lived had she not been given proper treatment.

They said her heart is 220 over 220, it was off the chart!!!, she was delirious, and kept saying things that did not make sense, to this day, I barely remember anything about an ambulance, I cant say much about it, except it's a blur, but I sure remember the fall, and the plum tree and then she stayed there. My Mother was in intensive care for three days. Over a holiday weekend, and only one day into her new insurance kicking in too!

On the Monday, holiday , we sat with her in the Hospital, and she was linked up to ALL the machines, and on drugs to try to calm her, but we really did not help. Just seeing me she would wind up again and the machines would alert the nurses.

Then something happened the Dr came in and said," I MUST meet this Daughter, " he looked at me, all of 13, and said, " how did you know how to help her, she might have....she was very,.." he stopped short, knowing he could not say, died, in front of my very sensitive mother

I said, I did a report and just turned it in! he looked at me and said, "I want to see this report..."

Feeling great I said OK!

Tuesday came and when I came to my health class I was certainly wiser. I was handed my report back, and it said F, in a big red marker over my image of the heart.

My heart was torn! What is this??? ARRG! I still brought it to the Dr when we went to get my mom the next day. He asked for it, I was ashamed... I showed the DR, he said may I see it, I said I got an F. He said, let me have it ! He walked away with it like it was gold...He held it close to him, and walked out...He said I will deal with your teacher!

I was so vilified, and yet validated. It was like , God himself was going to change things for me. I knew I had helped my mom, even if I never passed another health class, it was worth it to know what I did. It was something that I will never forget, and nether will my mother.

I found out that the Dr not only loved my paper HE called and talked to the teacher himself! He resubmitted the paper to me, and had hand painted it with white out, erasing the F. The paper came back and A-, he said it was too long. Never acknowledging my reward of success with my mother.

That is when we need one of the new hearts, one that is so resilient that nothing breaks it. If only I had one, I wonder what kind of person I would be. Would I be totally different? Remember in Charlie and the Chocolate factory, when Willy Wonka says, " where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head ?" Do we learn to love from our family, or from our environment, are we hard wired to be a certain way, no matter what, is it in our DNA? I feel like I just care about poeple, and could never turn down a person in need. But we need to accept the facts, people can and will do mean and cruel things to us, if we let them in, and let them see our giving and loving hearts, and we can only believe that GOD himself passes judgement, not teachers, not cruel grades, not even me. I will always want to be out there , giving my heart, and not expect to get anything back, because my cup overflows, with abundance, and I can give to live.

But if you see me, or read this post, don't think I wont want to be validated or loved, back, I don't have a plastic heart, I still bleed.

There is another story, that comes from the little prince, where the fox is broken hearted and says hes going to cry, the prince says, that I have done you no good at all. The fox say, oh you have done me good, and I will give the gift of a present. It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. You become responsible forever, for the hearts you have tamed.

LOVE and pandawishes

LIZ

http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/artificial-heart-abiocor-hand.jpg

ATM: withdrawls?

God knows I am a writer, why else would He give my hands such great things to write?

I am a little grumpy and worried, but I do love writing I feel so much better knowing I could refer this to my Record Searchlight Newspaper-and people will read and know all about it.


Here is the letter:



Hello David Benda-
I believe that I have written you before with my consumer woes, over a Lowes BBQ that caught fire. I was quite pleased with your help in getting the response I needed from Lowes, and the most important thing, getting the information out to warn the good people of this Area.

I have a new fact that I have had to learn the hard way that I would really like the public to know.

Last night at about 9pm, I went to the ATM for Bank of America, located at Hilltop across from the Shasta Mall. I proceeded to give the machine my card, my information and then a personal check for 300$, at the moment it took my check, the machine turned black, and went off!!
after a minute or two, it said, this ATM is out of order, and for me to please - go away...It was black screen -- while I called the 800 number and talked to an operator named Louise, who as soon as she heard the machine took my card, cancelled my ATM card!!! Now I have, to make a claim for my money with another operator, but I am actually disconnected. I was stunned! I have Pay Pal connected to that card, I have a web site, it is my only way to make income at this time, and I had no proof of my check at all.
I was with my daughter and we were standing there long enough to see the ATM start back up again! It actually came back, I put another bank card to Sierra Central in the machine, and it could see that account and was completely fine!! I was furious!
Now we call the 800 # again, and I get a person, who won’t give me any information unless I give him my ATM card #!!! I was so upset to this astounding revelation, that I would have to deal with a labyrinth of phone conversations to find my money, and not once was there any sentiment of customer satisfaction; no one said to me, we are sorry, this is unacceptable.

I went home after two phone calls, and 45 minutes, all the while the ATM machine has that cute green light inviting your card, and the sweet little signs say EASY DEPOSITS! THIS IS NOT EASY!

Today at 10 am I went into the bank, to try to figure out where the money went, I have checked my account online and no money has been deposited. I spoke with two women, one at the door, and another customer service representative. I was shuffled to a back room, to talk to another representative on the phone, after I was told that no one in the bank, access the ATM machines, NO ONE?? I was told that they are run by a separate entity! My card and my check are in that machine, but I can’t have it? NOPE.

I was given the same type of customer service from inside the bank, as I was given on the phone, not one representative showed knowledge of why this happened, and when I asked the phone person there was no answer.

My first solution from B of A is for me to call the source of the check, and cancel it. I am also going to have to file a claim for money...I said to the bank person on the phone, that I would be writing the Newspaper, and telling how this happened, and the reality of "Easy deposits," and how this ATM is now working fine.
They then changed their mind, and said that I did not need to cancel the check at the source, and they would put temporary funds, available possibly tomorrow.

He also said that, the bank could and does have access to the ATM, and he was not sure why they say they don’t.

I am writing you to say that, this is a real hassle, claiming money has put me in quite a spot. And canceling my ATM without even asking me...was the biggest shock. I would like to know what is the situation with the B of A ATMS< who does access them?
And does this differ with local banks? This might be a perfect reason to bank locally, to avoid these kinds of problems.

ATM's are up and running, but I still don’t have any money. The sign is still on the ATM easy deposits...
not if you ask me.

Thanks and have a great day.

Sincerely,
Liz Masloff
Redding CA

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Blogging for real

Hi i am back to blogging because I have to talk about some very important issues going on right now. I would like to cover all the bases, local news, state and us news and then world views, to finish with something good and wholesome to entice a second look. That's how the news works on tv, I like that it seems a little short stuffed into 30 minutes but who really has news enough for much more. If you did it everyday, then 30 minutes minus commercials is sufficient. My local news is two half hour programs 30 minutes long, almost exactly the same!!! What's up with that? Booorriinng.
I read the local paper each day, it's colorful and small full of little surprises but mostly it's not good news, I like the funnies, and I remember that for years and years that has been a consistent in a world of change. Oh and the fact my grandfather called himself "Teen" after the comics.
But news is more than comics there is weather forecasts, and business listings want ads and even stories about opinions, and the current political
outlook , with all the opposing views. It seems like the whole business of news can refocus you away from what is real . No wonder people love to publish their own life story online, with twitter, facebook, myspace, blogs, because what is news if it doesn't apply to your life?
The world is full of experts and everywhere you go, someone wants you to try their product, or tell you what
is best for your kids, house, your waistline and your health. When does it become news that someone did not follow the script or the recipe or the most up to date product --and didn't die? For instance, does anyone dare advertise that the price of television is distorted and a bad investment? The cost of just cable for the average family has gone to more than 1000.00 dollars a year! That could be more than your car insurance. Phone bills with cell phones are worse than ever, does anyone dare to talk about that? The futile attempts to regulate pricing for the better of people have long since
been forgotten, it's all fair game, for big corporations. Truth is bills have tripled for everyone, energy water waste we all just pay it because we are afraid to be cut off, we know how nasty these companies are, it really feels like we are under the gun. The biggest slap in the face is the deposit, get shut off get a huge deposit! Now how can the same person who couldn't pay before afford to pay extra now? This kind of highway robbery should be illegal but thanks to our laws our "freedoms" we aren't protected from our utilities they are protected from us! Now that's is the same kind of thinking that got corporations protection laws and made lawyers rich.
People still have to pay these bills to make these companies run, and if you had a really smart gas or electric meter it would tell you exactly how much they are paying for the same energy you are buying !! But hey would you even know how to do that? When was the last time you read anything in your local paper that gave you good information on alternative energy that was truly your advocate?
That's my beef? The real news the stuff we need to know isn't there. I wish my news knew exactly what I needed, I would ask it for real answers to my questions about my life!

That is why I talk to God, I spend time in private prayer and also with others that are in my circle of worship. I get better answers from my circle of faith my peeps and yes through the power of prayer through Jesus Christ on the things that really matter, the things I can change and the life I lead. If I want the opiate of the masses I can turn on tv, but I won't be getting life answers. If I need to find out the weather I can look at a myriad of online satellite sources, but I have to actually feel it for myself. And if the problems of the news are too great, to worrisome too expensive I know I can turn to my God for support, for love, and in an emergency I can turn to my Church, my friends, my company of believers. Because when I do that, I am comforted. Like my Fathers words visits and letters he knows exactly what I need and each day it's there.
Which brings me to the last truth of real blogging, when it's not a good day, when no one is there when the darkness comes, when it all falls apart does the tv care then? Does Att call you and say your such a good person to pay your bills, does the weather ever cooperate? No not one of those expensive paid companies run by people will ever care about you. And when you loose it all, will you even want to talk to them? We can't plan for everything, but if you know that 911 number, you can also know that people who care are your real friends, people who act like people should. Keep a list of those you can really call, if it's just your mom... Or husband or wife time to expand the list. Take stock today, like you would if you owned a house, how much are your friends really worth? Because the best things in life really are free. And the things we buy we forget, real true honest friendship is more valuable than gold. Treasure yourself invest in a friend today! Give your time, send a card, make a date and really share yourself. And whatever you believe god to be in your life ask yourself this, what image to I project ? Do you look angelic? Or wholesome? Happy sad , demonic? What is your outward appearance because even though you always change, you can control only one thing in life, what you project.
A smile means joy in any language, tears are painful or heartfelt, and a shallow stare, a harsh word, or callous behavior makes a difference in everyones life. You control your outward expressions, you hold the key. Make your personality show, create yourself, and then you can be yourself. You are the perfect you! No one does you better!

I love people and look forward to meeting new and reconnecting with old friends. Parties,dinners, coffee all great fun, phone calls letters and hugs even better. Visiting, drives, weekends, that's the good stuff.

See you soon! Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love and pandawishes

Liz

we have great news!! Our newly redesigned and published pandawishes is now available to order at www.pandawishes.com

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Can you name this panda? 1937 circa

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are we havng fun yet

Are we having fun Yet?
Are we having any FUN?
Where's this greatstory of HOPE that I thought would be here? DO we really feel it? I dont have much more hope for this country, than did two years ago. In the sad truth, I feel like we have to be more hopeful, but the hope itself isnt just standing there looking pretty.

I have been entirely caught up in my obstacles and hurdles to find great words to share, and its been a challenge to navigate blogs and emails from an Iphone. I think an ipad might be better for this format. I just hate the whole, timeto upgrade with the latest piece of plastic, and glass... what ever happened to forever?
What ever happened to tried and true? Where have all the horses gone? We as humans are just so competitive, so sure of what we want, and we just run or the finish line, with all our things, maybe we might want to walk a little more, dance a little more, sing a little longer, and stay here and visit a little longer. Where do we realy have to go?

Traveling might be the enemy of all forms of prejudice, but does it really bring us what we need, or do we tell ourselves once we are there, sure this is what I wanted,this is it! Because we have no control over the place we go and the people we see, and its so much easier to be nice to strangers than to be close to those we know so well.

Movies to watch this summer!
1.Fiddler on the Roof. Drink a little wine gather the relatives and watch the whole thing, sing and dance with it, cry and laugh, but dont miss out!

2. American Graffiti. George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola, 1974, Marin County CA, if thats not enough reasons, maybe the BEST MUSIC YOU WILL EVER HEAR, no contest.

3. Toy Story 3, havnt seen it, but I know its great-- PIXAR i am predudice.

4.IRON MAN, 1. 2. LOVE IT!!Hurray for the girl friday, hurray for the USA and GO AIR FORCE!.

5. Babies. If you dont have one, than get one! no kidding, if you dont have a baby this is a must!

6. Cosmos, the entire collection by Carl Sagan. ANYONE who has not seen this shoulod be-- put in a file and resarched how you could have possible missed out on this.. unless you are less than 20 I forgive you.

7. The Power of the MYTH: Joseph Campbell, read it or watch it, but do not judge it until you have seen it all. And see it for what it is, Religious compairision, you can think for yourself right?>

More to come--
have fun today, walk the mile pet the cat, take the big dog to the park, put on music and enjoy life
PLEASE-- LIFE-it is not just for you, what you do effects everyone around you.

All my love and prayers for employment for my husband and all in dire straights like us.

Have Mercy on us O Lord.


LIZ

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this is a day to remember, the same as it is for numerous others,
graduation time. A right of passage for the high schoolers to
transition to adults. Thankful are parents and grandparents alike for
the times we've shared and hopeful are the students to be so intimate
with the future, it's a moment worth celebrating in grand fashion.
Those are real smiles, on real people. Blessed days beautiful moments
captured in blogs.

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I think everyone should have a face like this to answer too , one that
says ,
I may be cute but I still going to bite you!!

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Applying to life

to my utter amazement it never hurts to vent a bit now and then... My not so flattering review of my life at home should have been filtered for private review but truly I know that no one was really hurt in cyberspace because of my drizzling words.
It is never a good idea to wallow in your pain, and I wasn't pointing any fingers at anyone really but
myself . To that end, it is good to see murphy enforcing his law of hypocracy my wimpy whines just put me in the cheesy tray up for review s'okay I'm up for it.
When in doubt paint!! And red is the new blue it has transeformed the house- for the better. More room appeared! and the energy of red vibrates, and invigorates the space. the magic of red and romance of red sophistication and style. it's no secret it vibrates the highest frequency, check out the artist paints they are numbered by this frequency and red rates
the highest even over white. I love it!!
Passion, devotion, lovable, comfort.
This is my update and my real
life aplication
changing the surroundings
to change the
moments
not ignore the pain or deny it, not pretend to be here but really be here .
in grace and in peace accepting inconsistancies that bring us to ourselves.


We can do miracles if we believe and never give up!!

An Eternity of Frustration...

I said to my Husband of 20 something years, sometimes I feel like Sisyphus, and he said what is that? Even in trying to explain it to him, I was not able to reach him; ever notice that some people really don't listen? They just look at you with that blank stare and then go on to the next sentence like, you did not even say anything? That is what it is like to talk to him,unless its about him- he just doesn't get it, we can try to talk about things, but the ball will always fall back on me. Its a frustration that begins to become overwhelming for me, and I just cant explain it any other way. Thanks to Wikipedia for this definition:


"Sisyphean task" or "Sisyphean challenge"
As a punishment from the gods for his trickery, Sisyphus was made to roll a huge rock up a steep hill, but before he could reach the top of the hill, the rock would always roll back down, forcing him to begin again.[2] The maddening nature of the punishment was reserved for Sisyphus due to his hubristic belief that his cleverness surpassed that of Zeus. Sisyphus took the bold step of reporting one of Zeus' sexual conquests, telling the river god Asopus of the whereabouts of his daughter Aegina. Zeus had taken her away, but regardless of the impropriety of Zeus' frequent conquests, Sisyphus overstepped his bounds by considering himself a peer of the gods who could rightfully report their indiscretions.[3] As a result, Zeus displayed his own cleverness by binding Sisyphus to an eternity of frustration. Accordingly, pointless or interminable activities are often described as Sisyphean. Sisyphus was a common subject for ancient writers and was depicted by the painter Polygnotus on the walls of the Lesche at Delphi.[4]


I can visualize it, because I am a visual person, I like to paint pictures not only with my art, but with my words, it is important to me, to create calm, and beauty. I used to believe that I was bonded in love, now I am not so sure, I am bonded all right, in frustration...

For so long now, I have struggled with my choices and have tried as much as possible to use what I believe are my talents, my ability to speak clearly with people, to help and serve, and in this facility I have always made my living, and been complimented for it. Most people would agree, that retail, and personal sales, writing,and artistic teaching requires a talent and love for open communication with all peoples.

It would seem that I could accomplish this talent even at home, and yet, I cannot, and even on good days, the less I say the better. The people I share my home with all agree on one thing, unless you speak about STEVE, he cant talk about anything else. It is one thing, and one thing only, him. All things revolve, wonder, live, and breathe around him, and therefore, when it all stops, you can imagine, what happens...No one can possibly encompass all the necessary talents to please all people, and no one can be completely at a loss to communicate when they are of common intelligence, so what makes this uniquely different? Consistently, there is a lack of compassion, for anything outside his realm of vision. I can liken it to a Black Hole, you are led in, but you wont come back out without fight, and nothing can fill it, nothing can stop it, nothing except GOD, and itself. It will take everything, it will suck in the light, and it will not stop, ever, it is relentless, and can only see itself, one way, to take to destroy, and to make all things work for it. It cant see what it has done, it can only go one direction, and black holes don't tire, they don't take days off, and they don't have feelings.

In other words, out of sight out of mind, and he is most likely always out of sight. I wish it was, the cool and groovy -" out of sight.." but its not, its absence, and it doesn't grow fondness it creates holes of problems.

I was going to talk about Sisyphus, and how I am constantly pushing and working to try to find a way to fix the problems, and then I realize that if I just let go of the ball, it might just disappear right? Problems don't disappear, you know I have read a lot of books on religion, and Indian Philosophy, being American Indian, as well as ABORIGINE, and one of my favorite analogies is the dark room. Do you see yourself in the mirror, yes you do, now turn off the light, do you see yourself now? NO, but that does not mean you are not there, YOU KNOW YOU ARE THERE! You don't fool yourself to think that you are not, in fact you probably look harder to see yourself in the dark. Indians have many stories that parallel society of this day and age, they speak of the times to come and they understand the rich heritage of where they have been, it always peaks my interest, and even though I am not a practicing American Indian, I am a believer of their faith. I am also a believer of Jesus, and have had my path shown to me over and over, but the sad truth is, I have also, because of my good faith seen the dark sides, the fringes, and the edges of lightness, where dark takes people and uses them for that purpose that can and does hurt others.

No one likes to talk about the fringes, no one wants to hear about it, but in the ying and yang, there is always both, light and dark, male and female, good and evil, and all the greys in between. You cant have one without the other. I cant deny it because I have seen it, (and I have tried to offer some of my stories on another blog I have listed called pandawishes.)

but science says there is no spiritual, there is no religion, there is no faith, no...love. Because if it cant be proven mathematically , it cant be, real. Prove to me that you can make someone love you, that you can make someone care, prove it to me. You can't, you know you can't, and no one can. There is no guarantee that you will be loved, no matter what, we know that is truly up to you, it is the perception of what you think love is. If you think love is, pain, then it is, if you think love is sex, then it is, if you think love is watching television while eating, and drinking until you fall asleep, or making tons of money, or traveling to far off remote areas of the world, it is. WE can only be who we are, and what is even more misleading about love, is that when we first meet the people we fall in love with, our brain tricks us, it provides us with free drugs, so that we don't know right from wrong, we cant do the right thing, we are turned on, and we cant turn off. Until the love runs dry, and our brain stops pumping the love drug it is like any other addiction it can't go on forever, unveiling the truth, about ourselves, and the path we let our self fall into. It is the smartest people that don't fall in love, that don't let themselves go, and keep the straight and narrow.

Love will break your heart, love will make you cry, and according to Mother Theresa, if you love someone you will not be able to avoid pain. If this Godly- person that knew the truth about love, who was so willing to be selfless and giving to so many, to give up her own comforts, she is someone that I know has a handle on this, feeling of -eternal frustration. Mother Theresa says,a Mother will have unavoidable pain, as they give birth, and bleed. So many people will look to children for the completing family, and never realize the selfless commitment they require, the constant testing and the loss of freedoms that arrive as soon as that baby does, children never really get this, until they themselves have children. The love of a parent to child cannot be compared though, and if you are a woman, you know what I mean, it is as close to God that you will ever be, and sadly some will play god with their children. Tender moments of infants glide us for years through much of what should be the happiest times of our lives, but more often than not, someone is the caretaker and someone is the bread winner, and in that agreement, somehow, we can forget the pain is there. When the focus comes back to the couple often there is no commonality left, and the holes in life cant be filled with time, or money, or travel or gifts, it can only be filled with ...you tell me, what is your choice, your love of choice, -aka drug of choice.

If love breaks our heart, then pain is maybe the best teacher, the most consistent, of the lessons, that we can count on, once we embrace that, we again find the struggle of balance one that begs of necessity over gain, or we give into the lacking of something, and that too will cause the pain.

Recently I was explaining what it was like to watch your children turn into adults, and how difficult it is to know when you think they are ready to be on their own, and make difficult adult decisions. I compared it to a fine wine, you know you have worked hard to grow this fruit and you have struggled through the seasons of dry and plenty, and kept this harvest safe for wine. And when you made that wine you used only the finest bottling equipment, you proudly placed your name on it and made it to the best of your ability, and lovingly placed it, safely in a place that allowed for time and care, waiting patiently for the day to let it breathe. No one really knows the perfect day to open a bottle of wine, not really, if you wait too long, it can be past its prime, and taste watery, and thin and even be ruined, but if you open it too early, it can be harsh and green lacking of any flavors, and then it will also be ruined. Wine is a fine line, you have to know how to take care of it, with a lot patience and stable surroundings, so that when it is opened it will allow your senses to taste and enjoy what is one of life's great wonders. Fine wine, is a art, it is the encompassing of great knowledge, difficult farming, good basic water and ground, and years and years of experience. As the best wines will show you, it gets better with time, and usually, the longer you wait, the better the fruit, the greater the value. I know wine is not a child, and this sounds very -- Christian of me, but the truth is, Christ used wine as the blood for a very good reason, this bond this vine is our life force, and we are all apart of it, you cannot live without the family bond, and you alone, one grape does not make a great harvest, you must bond with others, and find your talents. Stick together and prove your value.

That is my dilemma, I surely did not know when was the optimal time to uncork myself, and pour myself out to the right table guests, and therefore, I am hesitant to let my new fruit out too soon as well. I am eternally frustrated to try to work with the tests that I have, and I know I can let this ball go at anytime. I am not going to be strong for the sake of strength, or fight just to fight, I can only play the goodness game so long, before I am all muscle and no mentality.

If I could change one thing for myself today, I would be grateful for more good healthy work, more time to myself, and more money to be able to find a new path, without a mountain and a endless ball of frustration.

And so I end this with my recent pillow prayer, The Lord is my shepherd, surely goodness and light will follow me all of my days.

Pslam 23

simple abandon

RANDOM THOUGHTS:


Volcanoes are terrible things, and when we think we are in control, mother nature shakes things up and smokes us out. I live in Shasta County with more active volcanoes in the 100mi radius, than any other place on earth; the recent Icelandic explosion was an unhappy reminder. There is no real good news, except that each day without an eruption is a good one, I suppose.

I read my cousins blog today, and was astounded at her beautiful writing, and fluid style. I felt compelled to compliment her gentleness, and I wanted to climb inside the computer and go where she was, and see the people and places that she writes about. I put her link on my blog today, and I hope you read her intelligent thinking, about really important lives in India, it is about as different as can be, from the USA. It is brain food.

What did you learn today? Do I sound like a teacher, or a mother? Is that something we say to our children, after they return from school, because otherwise it sounds condescending? I feel like we should say that as much as possible, what are we learning. I learned that many people have very strong opinions about life and politics and sexual preferences, and there is no stock answer, no remedy for social pains, no one is going to completely agree because we alone translate the information, the way we see it. Like Jenny B, she sees the best in people, or at least she offers the best in the outward expression of it. Some I have learned, cant see the good in anything, ever, that is because once-one thing went bad then, to them it all went completely bad, and they threw out the baby with the bath water to coin a phrase. Politics are dividing people and countries all over the world, from every race and religion, no one is free from it, the judgments from separatists seem to have one thing as a common rule, none shall be allowed to individual, somehow we are all placed in a box of some kind. Independence is a liberal word that no longer offers sanctuary from judgment, and laws provide many excuses for the legal ways to be discriminated against. I wonder how long it will take for the food that we eat to put us in jeopardy, and the cars we drive, and the houses we live in, insurance companies, tax collectors and government surveys will categorize our life in a way that is predetermined by some rigid scientific theory that all people who eat certain foods can and must look and act a certain way. As long as we use this kind of science to judge others we have no magic, no belief and the spiritual kindness that favors the gift of love and brilliance of the childhood innocence. Its all been done and there are no new discoveries as long as science predicts the future. Predictions used to come from nature, we looked to the plants and the trees and the sky and the birds once, we could judge by the health of the crops the health of the economy. Its no longer a natural world it’s a land of created seeds, dwarfed fruit tress, and genetically altered vegetables, along with fortified cereals, canned foods and synthetic drugs. Man made remedies for man made problems, nature can't compete when we believe we are most intelligent creatures on earth. Even though, its obvious that certain living things like, insects, weeds and germs can not only live longer and stronger than us, they are outwitting us and outnumbering us rapidly. Take the rats in Thailand, nature can produce a million rats in a matter of a few months, and it will eat all and destroy entire crops lands, they don’t seem too worried if Gays marry or if, we have a woman in the office or if the water has been filtered by Brita or kitchen aid. Other countries have seen the same problems we are seeing, and this is the one truth, the way of the people depends on harmony with nature.


Chocolate is a plant from the rain forest and is a wonderful anti-depressant; it works quickly and is rather inexpensive. Body-Fat is a depressant, and can be caused by excessive chocolate intake, and the worry about getting fat, is depressing too. Synthetic-Drugs are great anti-depressants, and yet they are expensive and made in the USA, and so I eat chocolate, and think about how much I save, not buying a better drug, and therefore I am happy. Chocolate is a short-lived drug, and love works far better as a anti-depressants, but that too can cause chocolate binge eating. Chocolate makes you feel the same buzz that love does, how come we don’t love chocolate like people, making a shrine, or a religion because this living plant sacrifices itself for our freedom? No other plant is associated with that kind of buzz, oh except marijuana, which is available in every continent on earth naturally- happy 4/20/2010. You won’t be happy, or buzzed or in love if you end up in jail, for having that kind of plant…and talk about depressing. I hope they don’t outlaw chocolate, and love. But, love that is not a man and a woman is outlawed, and sex that is in a marriage is legal, but sex that is in a store isn’t. Books that show women and men naked are legal, and available everywhere to buy, but going naked for free-isn’t free you will pay a fine, and be locked up. If you break the law, you cant buy chocolate or have sex, but the people that are there to protect you ….okay I am done now.

When great freedom fighters pass on, do we stop fighting for the cause, do we forget to carry the torch? I have seen history forgotten, that is beautiful and full of sweet memories of animal preservation, unraveled in the mention that animals are merely too unworthy of our time to be cared about. Maybe we just realize that we cant expect others to always behave the way we think they should, but we have to weave the good parts of ourselves in an outward expression and look for the moments to wave our colored flag, and hope no one stones us for it. Simple abandon, is a play on words from the title of the book , simple abundance. I love Sarahs books, if you want better things to read, than my random thoughts-this is Good News!

Away We Go to Mendocino

Personalize a picture slideshow

My Little Mendocino, or just another tacky souvenir shop?

Artistic Creations, I remember now, why I wrote that, and why it was so important to me to have that as my blog title. I have just returned from a delightful drive and stay out to the Mendocino Coast, and I have to keep telling myself that I am back, because my soul is so full of that kind of beauty, that kind of fresh air, and that kind of artistic quality. Once you have seen the beauty of the coast you wont soon forget it, and you look for it around every corner you go thereafter. You peek in yards and down alleys for dense gardens of calla lilies, tulips and iris growing wild, and large fields of bright green and yellow and purple, and you long to ponder a rough rocky coastline, with its water crest spray, forever skyline, and invitingly intimate sandy beaches.

While walking about town, you come across many creative and whimsical, sometimes large-wooden carvings that stand in unison on clean and flowery streets, and the hand carved nameplates on every ones houses invite the eye to look, as if to say, welcome, we are proud to live here. Driving on the windy HWY 1, you see dozens of gnarly-old-bent and windblown-Monterrey pines, with there dark black trunks, they give you a stoic greeting and a deacon-like illusion, protecting the town, and nurture the life all around it. But each street feels more like a path, and even if your driving you somehow feel like a deer yourself, sprinting too fast to enjoy what you pass. Many houses are completely covered in shrubs, that actually protect it from the wicked winter weather, and yet the shrubs are actually heather or some other flowering variety that looks gentile to the eye, but older than the hills, with its immense size. Every breath is the wonder of spring, and no photo or words can contain such beauty, in its essence it is too intense, but when taken in at an early hour its a cup of coffee to the eye, I never felt more alive.
It will be my twentieth wedding anniversary this year, in a few days, and because it falls so close to Easter, we celebrated early with a stay at the Wharf Masters Inn, in Port Arena. One hour south of Mendocino, it is a tiny little town with genuine people and rugged history all it's own. It still has one fishing pier and a real sense of the good life, I was healed by the luxury of nature and good wholesome food. We ate at a restaurant right in front of the Hotel, that was as good if not better than the Cliff House in SF! I was so full after half the meal, and impressed with heirloom green and purple cauliflower! Oh and large and organic sprouts, freshly caught grilled salmon and local water... yes water! Steve had prime rib so large HE could not finish even half of it! That night we watched the waves come in and listened to the sound of the ocean, and revived our past, our blessed 20 year relationship. With rest and quiet, it was a really special evening. No worries, and his good friend and owner of the Warf Masters, John Tante, made us feel right at home. Everything was perfect. Even the weather was special, because it must have been an 80 degree day on the coast, no one could believe it!
The next day we set out early for a rummage sale in Elk, and then further north to see my favorite friend and entrepreneur, of Village Toy Store and Zo printing in Mendo, as they say.

We arrived quite early at the rummage sale, and Steve was quickly pressed into service by the locals to help set up and move furniture, making him quite popular. He is like that, always willing to lend a hand, and look for the fishing gear; Steve is not shy about asking for what he wants in return! I gladly sip my delicious coffee and eat a home made bran muffin, and wait for them to open. I decide to wander a bit off the path, as to not to look too excited to buy rummage, AHEM, and seek photographic moments in more giant shrubs of purple fragrant flowers, and calla lilies and such. I return to find art I like and of course, sewing stuff, and a huge GRINCH doll. I am not made of stone you know! I love a good deal, and as I tried to leave, I found a few more things, thinking I will get this for her, and them , and oh yes. A whole six dollars later, the nice ladies say, do you need a box? No thanks I think I will be fine. I am still waiting for Steve to finish his good deeds, while again in the car sipping on coffee and nibbling on ever-the endless muffin. I tried to leave at this point, but then of course, our new and kind friends, show us exactly what we needed-a beautiful antique game table! How can we resist? After some haggling we give our money to a good cause, the local school, and play tourist as we take apart the Buick to find a way to get it our treasures home. I can fit anything in a car, I am a Mom, so after about 30 minutes and some donations ourselves...we did it! They were so nice, they offered to bring it to us! I am sorry to think they wont, but its a long drive for anyone, and we felt like we had made a big enough impression for one day. And now really had a full car!

I don't live in Mendocino, I live inland, and its much more rugged here, the heat is intense in the summer and the streets are busy and crowded. Redding is a mere 200 miles, but the mountain you climb in between reminds me of something of C.S Lewis writings, the watchful eye hounds you as you go come to what feels like the Shire, down from the Mtns of Mordor.
The Shire is probably not as friendly as the Port Arena area, Elk or Mendocino, because we met more smiles and more kindness and ate foods of such organic quality, I fell human again. I feel alive again, and because I was on a two day holiday, that was richer than my last two years here, I felt that time can stop as well. No cell phone service, we brought no computer, and no Internet interfered with our day. I did not even wear a watch, the time was spent while the sun was up, and evening came and went with grace and forgiveness.

Now the drive to the coast was a wild ride for sure, in fact my steaming brakes can attest to that, but it was worth it, when the windows are open you can quickly smell the special fragrance of burning brakes. We willingly rest, and even laugh a little when no one is there, speeding by you besides, a bumble bee or a butterfly. There is a real sense of peace at the coast, a beautiful portion of rest that comes over you, just by being in such an intimate atmosphere of real people, running real stores, and real authentic smiles and grateful shop keepers. It is not to say that no where else do people appreciate your business, but when your choices are, one grocery store, one bank, one art store and one health food store, you begin to appreciate the uniqueness of the town, the determination it must take to sustain this kind of lifestyle, and ability to live on less than what is easily the hustle and bustle of bigger more congested cities. The sign for Mendocino said the total population was 10,008. But I could have sworn it said One thousand, eight, I will have to check on this. My drop in to my favorite friend was a grand success, and I was very satisfied with another spectacular lunch and feed on Organic greens, with dessert as well. Steve ate another burger, I don't know where he puts it!
After lunch I wanted to peruse the Toys, and Kits and atmosphere of her wonderful shop, I was effervescent with joy to see her again, and her lovely family. But her shop is not to be missed, with all the hand made quilts and toys, and charm, I wished I was a child again. Right on the main street, next door to Moody's Coffee. As we said our farewells, and I was pleased to find excellent kites, we made our way back to the car with more coffee, this time it was as intensely flavored as it was high in caffeine, and I was able to drive the entire way back, 5 hours- no problem!

It was a wonderful sojourn for both of us, Steve was as happy as I to be on our outing, we both had time to think and rejuvenate, and because it was so unplanned and on the whim, it was even better that all worked out to be so perfect. And when we returned home, I looked at my photos, over and over, and remembered my friendly stay, the feeling lingers, and color my life today, and I hope forever. My hope to become more creative, and artistic is growing again, and knowing that not everyone lives like this cement covered world of fast food and cars, trash and tinsel, makes me whole again. There are still un-ruined places to go, with food that is nourishing, and people that genuinely enjoy total strangers. There is no place like it, say hi for me if you go. Say Hi to John Tante, he says his business is off 60%, AND IS SELLING,...say Hi to Rae and Dean, they are probably donating their time for a good cause in Elk, say Hi to Wanda at the Toy Store, she's probably very busy, but when you see her town, you will know why she does it. When I see that town, I want to bottle it and bring it here, in fact, I was wondering if that is possible? Can one try to make a city like the country, can it be copied, or is that just like a tacky souvenir store that tries to make a buck off of the real beauty,( I saw zero souvenir stores, t-shirts, stickers and fridge magnets! BTW)

I had to write this memory, and share it before the photos, because I know a picture is worth a thousand words, but these photos, mean the world to me. It would be an insult not to thank those that we enjoyed it with, and really share the fun we had. I will look for a way to open a little Mendocino here, when I figure that out, I will do it. Until then, my search for it continues, in my city, in my art, and in my garden. Happy Trails to you!

dressed appropriately

Good morning mom, my daughter says before she runs of to her college class, would you listen to my speech please, I wrote about the Hot Chocolate event, just listen don't talk --OK?

That's funny, I like that, don' t talk. Well OK child! I say-
She begins to read her tale of chocolate destruction, and I notice vast differences from reality and fiction, starting with, excluding me completely from the whole event, changing the place and the ages of the children, and elaborating on the order....Is this really what she wants to say, wow, she can really turn on the tears, when she wants to. Effective and yet, disturbing. I believe that this calls for a bit of writers war, I will submit the real story, and allow her to comment.

Place: Sacramento California
Time: Spring,1998

My Mother and I had this great idea, let's take my kids on a train ride- wont that be fun!
We can drive to her house, and the get up early and then take a short train ride to Sacramento, stay in a Hotel overnight, and enjoy day of shopping and walking in the downtown area. We knew how to travel with little kids, we had done it before, but this time, the question was, can they walk? Have you ever seen the kids in strollers that look like they should be pushing around their parents, I can't be too critical for I know not the situation, but for us, we were perfectly able to walk and carry our own backpacks, so that is what we did! Because we'd walk from the trainstation to the Hotel everyone would carry their own things, my Mom loves to walk. Me too

My oldest son at that age loved trains, he is like millions of other kids who were exposed to Thomas the Tank Engine on PBS, with Ringo Star as the original conductor and then the (late)great comedian George Carlin. Thomas the Tank Engine was a happy train, a blue train, with the number 1 on the side, and very prevalent Toy in all good toy stores, and Sacramento had a wonderful train museum, with beautifully restored train cars available to anyone who wants to board them, and see what travel used to be like for many Americans, in the not so far away past. Giant metal Dinosaurs, still and quiet, nothing the like muscle that once was way the west was transeformed. That little TV show, inspired families to love trains again, to play with them and best of all to learn about the heritage they have with the American dream. We fell for it, and I still have those trains.

We boarded our AMTRAK TRAIN at the new station in Emmeryville California, it is just across the bay from San Francisco, and a mere three hours from Sacramento by train. It was an uneventful morning, all went smoothly, and after the sun came up we had lovely sunshine! We sat in a dining car, and looked at the world go by, as we talked, played cards, ate snacks and agreed that this was the way to travel. We were very happy for most of the trip, and between my Mom , my Stepfather, and my three children, we managed to take up enough room that no one bothered us or even sat near us, the wonder of children. Boredom does set in, and none of the Harry Potter charmschool was there in those days, nor was there any talking trains. Kids make it fun for us, but they dont like to sit still for many hours, they like to wiggle.
What is it about kids, that makes grown people squirm? Well on this trip we were about to learn exactly what it is we are most afraid of when it comes to traveling -with kids. This is not to say that there aren't real fears, but this is the kind that is irrational, the kind that needs to be conjured up in the imagination to be likely. Not the fear of being stolen, or injured or lost, not real life fears. This is the kind of fear, that sounds like, " Eew, they have kids let's not go over there.." Seen and not heard, or PigPEN, or Rugrats...yea there are plenty of names for children, but I like the quote from My Fair Lady," why are children so childish..." that explains it!

My Mother is no cheapskate, shes a deep pocket spender, to her credit she always treated us, whether we deserved it or not, like royalty. We ate a the finest restaurants, wore- the best clothes, and yes stayed in the best Hotels, and this time was no exception, we stayed the Hilton across from the State Capitol, with a view of the dome like no other. It was a beautiful room, probably nicer than my house. The kind of room you could think about living in, so clean and large we could all enjoy our own space and not bother each other. I am always grateful for her kind generosity, I know my kids remember it too. (I was most sad Ashley did not refer to this part at all in her story, but she did keep the whole story at my Mothers house)

We all had the time to clean and dress and pop out into the world all bright and shiny, and I remember that it was a Sunday, and I was so used to going to Church, that I said to my mom, why don't we look at the Cathedral over there and see if we can sit in Church today. My mom does like the Lord, but shes like my Husband has a love for him outside the Church, and does not desire to try to fit into a worship service. When we peeked into the Catholic Sanctuary, it was right out of any one room Catholic Church. People are lighting candles, and kneeling, while others are sitting contently to have silent prayer, and here we are,three adults- with three little kids who want breakfast more than redemption. No service for an hour, it was best we leave and think maybe later, but we don't return. We go just across the street, to wait of course for the service to start, to a nice cafe bright and cheerful with an outside sitting area, it offered sunshine and fresh air, in this beautiful city landscape. My mother is determined now to eat something and in Ashley's version of this story, she orders Oatmeal and Corn Pops for all the kids, well, there was none of that, it was just -Hot Chocolate for the first order of the day.

Yes, she wanted Three HOT Chocolates for the kids, and I am thinking -really?
Now don't get me wrong, I mean, I am the doting mother, but my Mom, she's the over zealous Grandmother, and it's like, I am going to give them - what they want. But I kinda knew what was going to happen. First she wanted them to order, and I said, mom-let them sit here and we order, no she insisted -each child speak for himself. Well that is great when it comes to ordering, and I all for free speech, but she forgot the biggest problem, now that they have spoken it will come.

Just picture, three small children, no taller than your waist, in a room that is about the size and configuration of a Sees Candy shop, basically everyone has to stand next to each other to order, and we call see and hear each other. Now, imagine three kids ages, 8, 6 and 3 holding large cups of steamed hot chocolate with a mountain of whipping cream glopped on top. Got the visual, now what did I not detail, what is missing? I did not say, cups with lids...yep, and kids that see whipping cream, think yum. Now if this was a black and white film, and you saw what was about to transpire you'd laugh like it was a three stooge flick, but as a mother watching three kids, at exactly the same time, take three cups of cocoa, and try to lick the cream off the top, and realize its too HOT! and then proceed to pour the entire cup onto their clothes and then onto the floor, you are not laughing! - at least on the outside, you have to put on a grave front, and look as if this has never happened before, and surprise is the best character face to put on, oh dear how could this happen? While inside I am thinking that was hilarious! OMG!

At this point, my mom is not happy for real, shes like I just spent like 15$ on those, we will have to ask for more. I am thinking --seriously, your going back, and she proceeds to take the children by the hand to the counter! its like two feet away, we literally did not even take a step with the first cups and shes asking for more before they are even finished cleaning up?

Of course the Cafe wants to look good, poor kids....here you go, have some more, MORE?
Wait, can we get a lid this time, ah wait, can I hold that-- wait!! Well, there goes another one..
yes folks, we are idiots we don't know how to drink, and we go to public places to just simply horrify you. People in the cafe, are running out, grown men with newspapers are frowning and taking their things outside, people are actually covering their clothes....
Stepfather to the rescue! He opens the side door, if we can just get outside, my mom grabs Nolan's cup before its a total loss, and we think for sure this time Ash can walk slowly outside, if we can just get outside....
and to this day its a pretty sad story, Ash could really do well for herself, to drag this out of the closet her whole life, and say what idiots her parents were, maybe I am glad I was not in her story!

well, I cant say , but maybe we should have gone to Church, maybe, but my little girl, with soft blond hair and fair skin, tall and thin, she took one step outside, missed the ground it looked like and tripped, on air and proceeded to hold onto her cup of cocoa while her knees and elbows protected her cup from the ground, and yes back onto her, she baithed in it this time I can still muster up tears... she was needless to say, very sad and people around us, stared at us with faces out of sheer shock of ridiculousness. I wanted to sit for a moment and just realize, that none of us, had any will to order another thing, and still not a single thing to eat for the adults or the children. This day had just turned into a hot Chocolate nightmare. Never again would I look at hot Chocolate the same, and I would say its called HOT for a reason! The sw et story of the Polar Express and the Hot Chocolate is a humorous moment for us, if only it was that good.

It did not occur to me at the this juncture that we would look like street urchins trying to return to our Hotel room, but my parents did their best to cover up the damage done by wicked hot chocolate, and we slid ourselves back into our room.
You know that Hot Chocolate stains, something fierce! it does not wipe off with water, and its terrible if it just sits on clothes. The kids had to take showers to get clean, and we had to use our last day clothes a day early, to get back to normal. Nothing like shower to put things right...wait how did that cup get in here, wait is that a child still drinking the cocoa, NO WAY!

Forever we will fear Hot Chocolate! Its humorously scary!

This is what childhood looks like for us. We can have all the fancy trimmings and foods, we cannot stop the spots the make us human. We should laugh a lot- and then clean it all up. It was James Barrie that wrote a good mother will clean out the child brain each night with good thoughts, like clean clothes for the next day, to make our thoughts good and pure each day.
I am happy Ash looks back on this with laughter and humility I look back and remember too , thanks Ash.



Love You Always

MOM

welcome back

welcome back !!!!

- please do not start singing that silly song from the tv show welcome back kotter...

Welcome back to spring! and welcome back honey bees, wild canaries and warm days and sunshine! Redding has its good season, it is spring! I love how we have an early spring, it will be warm and sunny here long before most other California towns. We have many more warm days here, yes sometimes too warm! But it really great for growing flowers and farming food. I love my garden, it always give me peace and meaning in my life, no matter what the garden is my comfort, and in it there is room for everything and everyone. I can bring my thoughts, good or bad, and I can loose them out there and even make some needed pruning on them. We all have too much to think about, it is good to let the worries drop off like bad fruit, so that new growth can find its way out our lovely branches.

We can travel the hour to Chico easily from here, that little college town world famous for its Sierra Nevada Brewery, but really has many other beautiful sights to see, the blooming dogwood trees are too many to count. These trees blossom large5 and 6 pedaled flowers in pinks and whites will loosen from the tree and drift gently and serenely down to the ground looking like something out of Disney's fantasia, they are surreal with beauty. But the Chico dogwood is not the only blooming tree, you can drive from Redding all the way to Willows there are orchards of peaches, and apricots and almonds here, with the popcorn flowers popping daily in cheery pink colors, the cherry trees with their large white flowers will emerge any day now, and that brings back the busy buzzing bees, and it feels once again like spring. Chico has a great college feel, it has wonderful antiques stores, and quaint houses, and many great place to dine out, I get lost in Chico, even with a guide! So I usually stay close to home.

At home I have so many pressing issues each day, I have worked since I was a young child, at the age of 13 I was a "people" sitter, with no insult to the elderly, I really enjoyed and still do. Working has always been my thing, I feel like I have had good experiences in all types of jovs, hospitality, restuarant, education, retail, corporate business sales, and balancing that with college, being free lance artist, and mother and house keeper- the hats I can't hide. We wear our jobs on our faces, and I often believe they age us, and mold us, with or without us knowing, unless we find our serenity, our place in the sun. The perfect job I have not yet found, but I would believe that it will show its' face soon, and then life again will find balancec for me.

Until then, for sanity, I will sit in my yard on a sunny day, and soak in all its beauty. I will stare at the flowers and count the bees, I will look for new shoots of raspberries and new bulbs starting up with purple faces of Iris and watch for the Easter Lillie's to reappear from the ground. I recommend saving those Easter Lillie's that you see in the pots, yes when you think they are done, and dead, please don't throw them away, they are not dead! they are resting, and will be more than content to sleep in your yard and wait until the same time next year and blossom up nicely for your decorations the very next year. ( I can hear them - I am not dead yet..!)

There is always work to do in the yard, pulling weeds, getting dirty, getting the yard to look inviting, and fertalizing. I like to see the flower push out, and I think of the wonder of the movie Totoro by Miyazaki, if you have not enjoyed this wonderful childrens animated film you really must see it, we love it. I caught myself doing the Totoro dance to celebrate my fruitless apricot making flowers this year-- yea! I am sure you can find clips of it on YOUTube, its really great to see it all at once, it has this other worldly charm about it.

Birds, birds wonderful sounding birds! Yes we have wild canaries, you can not believe it, but we do. In spring you can hear their hallmark singing if you are patient enought, its fantastic. That is Redding for you, I have seen so many neat wild birds here. I do love seeing the black and white wood peckers, they would come to eat the sakatia bugs, I even like the blue jays with their loud croaks. I have collected many bird houses that bring such activity in the spring, it is wonderful to see the babies peek out and then finally make the yard their home, usually eating all of my green grapes left on the vine. That is fine with me, we cant possibly eat them all. The little birds with their tiny beaks, how can they fit the grape in, I do not know but are happy to sit and eat sun warmed grapes right off the vine.

I like the serenity of the garden, it has always been my muse, the enchanted garden has been my greatest hope. It started when I was in my earliest days in Livermore, and we had a back yard with lots of hiding spots, behind Eucalyptus trees, and in garden at my grandmothers house. She had lots of nice tall trees, and utilized spaces with clever gardens ripe with delicious fruits and veggies. Then there was the real enchanted forest, the one that once you experienced it, you became part of some Once UPON a time story, and you transform into this purist that lived long ago, and had the rugged yet natural life of a homesteader. I know that few will ever go there with the eyes of a child, or with my families eyes, but all that did were swept away with its beauty, and taken in by the simple charm of the backdrop of Rock Creek, and its farmhouse built with the hands of the people who would love that land for the nearly one hundred years. I cannot describe the beauty of that place it is indescribable, and also because it is appreciated by time. Not only has time made the land more valuable, yes that is true, but really a person would have to take the time to walk in the woods, and on the trails, and have a guide that knew every plant and every flower to know how to describe it.

I have a memory that I keep fresh in my heart, it is of my Great Grandmother Nina Bell Taylor, walking with me in the woods past her house, not to the creek or to the berry patch or to the animals, but another place where she said we would find a flower she called the Lady Slipper, and I thought what a funny thing to look for. What was it, a shoe, a tiny elf shoe? I wondered if we would see a Gnome or elf or fairy, and I had my heart set on finding one. We walked in the soft bedding of the thistles and dirt, under the cool canopy of the giant furs and pines, until after much searching she said, I found one! She reached down under a leaf very near the ground, and pushed away the other growing plants, and grasses, and plucked a single flower from the ground, it was so tiny I had to look at it several times to even see that part that resembled a " lady slipper". I could not believe that I with my closer to the ground eyes, and ability to find all the other tiny flowers, could not see the one flower that she wanted. I was even more surprised that we picked it, because we were taught to never disturb the forest, for it was not ours to destroy, and we were never allowed to pick flowers at random and then waste them. My Grandmother and her mother always said that the flowers were there to feed the animals or the bees, and I was neither, and neither did I need to pick them. That was good advice, and I respected these women in my life, they were the women of great power and wisdom to me.

I believe that the kind of people that have the patience to love and grow a plant into the greatest gift that brings good food to the table is next to God, and they are the gifted ones, here to help us. They often learned the skills from the days when you had to live off your land and buying the goods you need was just not an option for you, you had to make do, you had to make your own goods, and even if you could afford to buy it, you would make it yourself, because you knew it was just better quality to do it yourself. That is not what the baby-gloomers and the dooms-dayers are saying now, that same group of people that were brought up by people who said, don't complain, don't talk about it, and do it yourself, are having the toughest time seeing the forest for the trees. They could benefit from some nature therapy, I know I need sunshine and exercise! I can't live wihtout it like my friends in the garden, even bringing in some fresh cut flowers into the house can make me happy, more than anything the fragrance of flowers for me is enchanting, I brought in some fresh cut hyacinth from my yard, and placed them near a sitting spot inthe front room. They have a strong lilac scent that is better than any-perfume you can place in the house, and for me it is mind candy, or soul medicine, it just makes me feel better!

Life is the same, even as it was one hundred years ago, we all still need to eat and work to survive, and the basics never change. Just like the seasons, we expect the trees to bloom out in spring after a long cold winter, its a sign that spring will be coming, the trees have a great way of welcoming the season, and the bees. They put on there best face, and dress up right, and look their best for the bees are coming! Thank God they do! Bees are wealth of the land, they are the great workers for the fruit that heals and give us jams and jellies and pies and juice and all that is really great, and we really should celebrate each year when we see this traditional headdress of blossoms on the trees. Bees are so small on this earth but they do the biggest job of all, and we know without them we would not survive. I have a good friend who says, count every bee you see everyday, and thank God for them everyday. I do!

I hope that we can find time to remember the garden, and enjoy the trees, because somewhere inside this great serene place there is a lady slipper blossom, it is so tiny only a fairy could wish to wear it, and it is as it has been for the centuries to come. If the great families that came before us could survive so much before us, and make the work and meals appear for them we too can find this time to make the very best of what is here to enjoy. We have the same gifts still to enjoy, because we are one of the few who will have our own to teach the very same values, by just walking into the woods and finding its tiny gifts.

Return to the garden and lounge in the lap of luxury, as the seasons change, you will see that nature is responding to the time as it always has been and we too can find that grace in significant small blossoms in our heart, thinking of the cheery times we will be able to share soon.

Meet me in the garden, I will be waiting for you there.

L

Think of Me...

Stories, stories, stories …something to read, something to inspire, and something to really enjoy- today I think I will do what my favorite radio show did to me, I will pull my favorite lines from my meanderings. Comment and then try to repair my mistakes, oh and do I have a pile of those! Why is it, I cannot see the stupidest mistakes, but if I am proofing my daughters English essay on the science of water technology on earth, I can nitpick on every little hint of bad grammar! Forgive me, for I know not what I do. Which leads me first to this little anecdote- I am still wondering what was I thinking to work for this guy!

From 12-09-2009: But today, someone said to me, with a heavy Latin accent, no one in America speaks English!! And I was astounded at his revelation of all Americans, and he continued to respond to my correction of his advertisement- printed with many oddities in grammar, spelling, text but also the word lent on it. I said, lent what is lent? In the sentence it was clearly not, the Christian season before Easter, and I said, what is this word? He said, lent! and went on to proclaim, that we all said it. In his own way, it was clear that he wanted to get by, as much as I find this resourcefulness fun, it is vital in print that we use properly spelled words, esspecially in advertising, its NOT negotiable. The printed word needs to represent, what we mean the most, and lent is the way he heard, Length, only if he had ever heard it said phonetically, or read it , he would have known, but unfortunately for him, this was just another reason for anger, and it was as if he stigmatized himself, I will always relate lent to length now, hes changed my definition in my head. Slang does this, it takes words and re negotiates their meaning, and often we can sound very old, or very un-cool, by using slang that is from a particular era. Slang is not what I think of as proper English, and usually is not the standard for publishing in print or for media. Does the Bible have slang in it?

I understand that many of us are frustrated with the world and the way it is, and how we can’t control it. The generation gap widens each time words are changed and used in order to separate the young from the old. I know I should have patience with anyone who wants to discuss events and have opinions, no matter what their rhetoric might be, but there is a fine line between optimal accents that allow someone to know your background, and being intolerant of the language that you communicate with. Being good or bad with it, it is your words that people hear first, and no matter who you are, or how well dressed you are, your education will show in the words you choose. It is said that when you put junk in you can only get junk out, meaning - junk food will, only produce a person with a personality of a Twinkie. This is true of junk-media, music, and books, you cannot possibly expect to speak better or command the English language without the study of all genres, and not excluding the classics as a base.
In this United States, we have forgotten the question of what language do we speak, is it English? Webster's Dictionary has a new video that automatically opens and plays when you use the web site. And it proclaims that our language is a mongrel of a language. What an image that is, and coming from our book of definitions, I almost find that thought detrimental to my ability to see myself with any culture what so ever.
It was Frank Lloyd Wright, the architect of the 20th century, who said, it is us who designs our own life, we make our buildings we make our cities and towns; we make the blueprints, for our beautiful lives. We do. I was happy with this, it was a point I felt needed to be made so that my mistake of working there wasn’t so severe, I learned something very important. I don’t know enough about writing, or English to ever stop learning, and I will not hesitate to talk about with my kids. But I also can see that people are free to say whatever they want, and I can’t really look at others by simply what they say, for I can be judged myself. People make statements, and they want us to react, and that is when we need to stand up for ourselves, similar to this time when I felt this was important to write:
02-11-2009
I wrote a book about the first American Panda, and within the pages I weave a consistent thread of knowledge that animals are unable to defend themselves against the threat of the hunter with a gun, who just kills for the sport. It is never a nice thing to see an animal caged in a zoo, unless this animal needed the first-aid, and attention to live and now survives well by the care and love of educated people. So when did PETA decide to make humans the enemy? How did we all get on the black list for being supremacists and have to defend our rights to have pets, to eat meat, or to wear leather? When did this start? This will require some research on my part and know that I will be following up on the people of PETA and their ways. I will be provoking some serious questions and debate the rights of people who stomp on other peoples freedoms.
What is this, the people of PETA think that if you own a pure bread dog you may as well be in the KLU KLUX KLAN? Wow, that's harsh! Isn’t that just a little strong? For those who probably might think that the Klan is just about white supreme idiots, how does that relate to animal worshiping, or animal training, or animal showing. If I saw that, in front of any animal show I would have to accuse them of being the kkk. I would say that they are in fact doing the same thing, creating a group of people who are evil in the ways of actively hurting others freedoms, they discriminate against others by actively and grossly exaggerating the facts. Would those animals be able to survive in the wild without the care of humans? Where would they live in the wild? Domesticated animals are a part of the fabric of the Human Spirit, and this is more of an attribute, animals are vital to the lives of people . How is loving your pet, taking care of it and showing it, linked to the terrorism of the kkk? When you watch the story of Gandhi they demanded that no one buy products that hurt people, his wife said, beauty that causes pain is not worth it. I agree, we should not hurt helpless animals, but helpless people, who is in pain here? In this case I would say it was the people, and the animals have no idea what the kkk is. I guess that is what they wanted us to think. I still have issues with Peta, they continue to say the strangest things to bring up animal suffering at the hands of humans. Nature is cruel too, but we won’t even talk about that… I have a Daughter that belongs to Peta… she gets stickers, and even submits artwork! Freedom comes in so many forms, I would have not believed that this is what it has become today, the right to say and do whatever you want, and the right to undo what many believe is a wholesome living, called farming. What would my own Grandmother say? Well if you don’t know, I will tell you, she’d say, we never did that on our farm! And get on with it! When did life become so controversial?
I keep saying that we make a good life, and then wait for someone to outlaw it!
In closing I need a good laugh and a bitter sweet memory, I sometimes really miss my little life as a Berkeley Girl working at the Sandwich City, and I know I miss the Marvelous Marin days, with the rolling hills, the great shops and beaches. I had some very funny stories that have always brought me to smile, like watching Neil Schon speed off in his Ferrari, while my Mustang’s headliner blew-up, and BFF ‘n I said, hold up the roof…When I was taken to meet Prince at his Purple Rain concert dressed in horrible 80’s garb, or when I sat in front of Eric Clapton and he looked at me while he sang Good night Irene, some things we never forget, because they were really fun or embarrassing. And then some things we remember because we wish we could just go back and change them. In the movie 13 going on 30, the main character, realizes that she was not the person she thought she was, growing up, and she lost the chance to love someone because she was a child making childish choices. Even as adults we can do that, like I mistakenly told Todd Rungeran that the wait for a table at the Sausalito Houlihan’s would be, two hours, simply because I did not recognize him…

(Hello it’s me, I’ve thought about your for a long long time …Think of me…).Or when I ran up on stage to dance with Chris Isaak! Sometimes we just let ourselves off the hook, and act silly! But we should never regret the past, there is no changing it.
We all want to know what love is, and we want someone to show it to us.
I believe that the city streets and the countryside has its own secrets that can’t possibly be learned anywhere else but there, and just as different and strange the land and the animals are in both places, people are pretty much the same where ever you go. It’s family that makes a difference. In the way we talk, and see the world, in the lessons of home and pets and manners, and in humility, we come by it all by honest experience, and no one is immune to it. Everyone has miracles in their life, and heartaches.
Our heart goes with us, where ever we go, so we always know that love lives in us. It is also in our tears, and our smiles, our music we play and listen to, and our letters and our artwork; it is in our homes and the places we go for retreat.
Love and Pandawishes.

You know you're from SAN FRANCISCO when…
Basic Info
Type:

1.You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means San Francisco.

2.You have never been to the the Golden Gate Bridge or Alcatraz.

3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Union Square to the Embarcadero at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4.Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

5.The BART or MUNI makes sense.

6.You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 7.You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "Frisco".

8.If you have lived in San Francisco for more than ten years. Not including living at home with your parents.

9.You call an 5' x 7' plot of patchy grass a yard.

10.You consider Marin "upstate". 11.You think Golden Gate Park is "nature."

12.Your family immigrated here to give you a better future.

13.You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal." 14.You've been to Oakland twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

15.You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

16.You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

17.You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed. 18.Your closet is filled with black clothes.

19.You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you.

20.You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.

21.You take fashion seriously.

22.Being truly alone makes you nervous.

23.You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

24.Going to Berkeley is considered a "road trip." 25.America east of the San Francisco Bay is still theoretical to you.

26.You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.

27.You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

28.Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

29.$150 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

30.You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

31.You don't notice sirens anymore.

32.You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

33.Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Chinese and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

34.You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

35.You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.

36.You think $5.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

37.Your door has more than three locks.

38.Your favorite movie was filmed downtown. 39.You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

40.You run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.

41.You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.

42.You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.

43.You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.

44.You know where to get the best Pho in the Tenderloin...45.You have bought a home anywhere but in San Francisco.

46.When you're away from home, you miss "real" pizza and "real" bagels.

47.You know the differences between all the different Irving Street Pizzas.

48.You're not in the least bit interested in going to the Embarcadero on New Year's Eve.

49.Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect.

50.You know what a massage parlor really is.

51.You know how to fold the San Francisco Chronicle in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.

52.Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.....

53.You cringe at people who ask you for directions back to their hotel when San Francisco is only 7 miles by 7 miles and they are two blocks away from their hotel and they have a map marked "you are here".

54.Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you.

55. People from other states cant tell a polar bear from a peanut, but they know you're from San Francisco the second you open your mouth.

56. When you are able to make a right turn at a red light.. you think it's the best thing ever.

57. Rather than waiting safely on the sidewalk to cross the street, you wait inches away from speeding traffic waiting to cut through it.

58. Your local news is national news.

59. You walk a mile in 13 minutes and think that everything should be open 24/7.

60. You go clubbin' at 1015...

61. You think you know better than everyone else in the world.. when in reality.. well.. you do.

62. Yellow light means speed up.

63. Red light means speed up because you know have that 1 second pause until the other light turns green.

64. Communicating with people on the road only takes one finger.

65. You order your dinner and have it delivered.. From the place across the street.

66. You cross the street on a greenlight, and if you get hit by a car you blame the driver for "not watching where they're going.

67. You can tell a gunshot from a firecracker and not get scared, but when you go to the burbs you get scared of hearing a cricket.

68. You have asked a bum for some spare change before he was able to ask you and he pulls out a $100 dollar bill.

Thats the San Francisco, CA- I remember with one thing left out, can drive all three briges in one day, and figure out how to pay non of them..:)

favorite things

When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad....

I am not Julie Andrews, and my life is not a musical for sure. I live as a wife, mother and homemaker in Redding California. My husband and children moved up here in 2001,to purchase our first house, and rear our 3 children. After living and working in the beautiful Sonoma and Marin county, we really believed we could manage the climate and the economics of Shasta County. We bought our house for an amazing price, with a nice piece of land able to plant essential fruit trees and flowers, near a good school, and we found jobs right away. The cost of living was so different compared to the wealthy area of Petaluma and Santa Rosa where we were.

I was allowed to teach art, with my art docent experience, and eventually worked in an aferschool program leading teens in art and helping with writing and homework.The teachers were nice, class rooms were small, and it was so special to be in the feel of a small town, I really loved letting my children walk to school the most Each day had struggle and progress, and it seems as if my most beloved dreams came true.

It was an adult - second half of life feeling. Working, raising kids, making rules and watching the years mold us. We made new friends easily, we loved our Church, everyone knew everyone! We found our days off in -hot weather--sweetly quenched in the cool lakes near by. It was an easy for us to drive the 15 minutes to historic Whiskey town, even though it was a tourist spot, it was relaxing, it offered camping, hiking, sailing, swimming, fishing and taking postcard like photographs, the season pass to park is only 20$. We saw our first mountain lion in the park, and it was not uncommon to see Eagles, deer, and friendly lizards and squirrels. We escaped lakeside on our bad days and good days, to the soft sand, worries went out with the waves.

Steve caught trophy winning trout, and delicious local salmon that we feasted upon. My Father would visit twice a year, and it was great to see the kids camp out with him so close to home. It all felt so perfect. Sometimes we really don't know how perfect life is, until it is not so perfect. I wish sometimes we could see that the moments in life, that are in the past are still there, we still have them, and life is still that good. We think about the little details that bother us, and we sacrifice the bigger picture for it. Time flew by, and looking back now is sometimes very melancholy for me.

In the 8 years past, kids grow up and go to college, tiny toddlers become towering teenagers, and the troubles that were not foreseen are clear as ever in the economic recession that has halted and reversed a once flourishing fishing community. We know that seasons bring change, and that even in the best of circumstances, things will change and we are responsible for our own growth, but environment is more influential that we realize. In 2001, a month after we moved here, the dreadful 9th month 11 day experience changed the way everything traveled, and the world saw terrorists, and my first grader has gone to school everyday, since we have been to war. Everyday, of his school life, it has been in the news, it has been a subject to worry about, and in the back of every ones mind we wonder when will it end. The environment for teachers turned hostile with " no child left behind" and the cuts to programs, the political climate has gone from bad to worse with severe backlash against anyone who disagrees with the President, or the policy of war.

Where do we go now? There are no hiding places, we finally plugged the television back in, and even though we can't afford all the amenities teens want( l.o.l. who can?), we do allow as much freedom of choices that any progressive parent can. I still compare my childhood environment, with my kids, and my kids are so sure that I had it best. Can kids today really plug into what we as kids of baby boomers had to deal with?

Let's take stock kids, no computer social networking....period, no cell phones, parents for the most part trusted us because they were from the 50's, we went out to movies, we bought our clothes at stores, and school was different too. The rules our kids are taught about everything, from the "no touch" rule, to -- the no colored hair rule...kids have it a lot different today. The good part is, college really is for everyone now, and if you spend even a few days in classrooms, you will see that smart kids are cool, and drugs are out! Alleluia! Kids today have it good! Okay,so we had the threat of war, and we had fear of other countries, and lack of information, and we thought it was so-American to have Movie Star presidents, now we just have famous Presidents...

Actually kids have it great, and just don't know it! This is a universal truth, we all don't know how good we have it, when we are in throws of growing and changing. It takes eyes in the back of our heads, to be in the know! I have had the recent experience to sit with a 95 year old, married couple. Believe it or not, life has not changed all that much, since they were kids, in fact it does sound like our "Recession" can not be as bad as their "depression" was! Our health care is about the same, because people are still dying from cancer, old age, and poverty. But the words that they said to me, rang true, like a bell that tolls. I listened to her say, in her quaint elderly repetitive way, "We had a good life, we always had fun as a family, my kids were all really good, we loved each other" I looked back and smiled, and said yes you had a good life. Then she'd ask me, "How many kids do you have, are they doing well?" I told her their ages, and said yes;in my heart I knew I had feelings that could detail all the pitfalls and letdowns...only I knew. She said, "Kids are just like their parents, you can always tell good kids, by the good parents". It rang a bell for me, when I get to 95, I will remember only what people tell me. At the end of your life, you can only hope for a little less pain, you can hope that people are willing to sit and listen to you. While we are young, we manage to avoid people, listen very little, and sometimes cause extreme pain as teens.

I guess that why, at any age we find time to remind ourselves of our favorite things,music helps, movies can too. And we can ask those older than us why we made the choices that we did, so when it all starts to become too difficult, or it starts to slip away we can say it was all worth the it, it was a journey. Having hinds feet for this life, is when we allow God to be the front feet, and we are the back feet. I like that we don't just ride on the back of life, looking back, we are -connected and one with all that life is. We don't have to preach to teach, we can just walk on, keep on keeping on, and this is joy. Because we make the path, for others to walk on, it has been there for us. Taking time to talk to the elders in our life, can bring a great perspective on how good life is for us all right now.

For in life we need three things for happiness
something to do
someone to love
and something to hope for

something to hope for being the most important, never loose site of that.