Sink or Swim

Redding can be a beautiful place to live. In the beginning, I loved the weather extremes , actually experiencing all four seasons brought great comfort to me. Christmas lights made sense, you cant see your house in a snow storm! All the outside activities charmed my family’s hearts. Biking, hiking , fishing and boating, on jewel blue lakes is something everyone should try at least once in your life. But being stuck on a houseboat with the people, even those that you love ( for at least three days and nights), will either make your friendship, or break your patience and have you running for shore. It is a serene feeling to have no cars, or sounds of cars, or buildings around you and the huge majestic mountains seemed dressed up in their best trees and shrubs and flowers at all times. Now crazy boaters do exist, but you can always find a way to get to someplace where it feels like no man can find you or take away this, space, you have claimed. Mt. Shasta is beautiful too-all year round, skiing is amazing especially when it doesn’t cost you a fortune, or take more than 1 hour to get there. There is also a nature preserve very near my house that has a 3 mile paved or dirt trail to exercise. From that space you can see all three mountain ranges while enjoying the bird sanctuary on the flat land. In the evening, the sun sets and the white snow turns from pink to purple to Fuchsia, its spectacularly -breath taking and awesome.

Beauty is all around you here, BUT, it’s ironic because some of the worst fast food offenders are available at every corner to make you too fat to enjoy half of the wonders that are offered here. Big box stores, and low budget clothing stores are all that is available. (No worry though, there isn’t much to do anyway- really, but it’s within three hours of Ashland Oregon or San Francisco.) You can hang out at the Cascade theater and sip wine at a local wine bar. But if you have ever been outside this town, and actually been to the wine country it wont be easy to find a wine you recognize or a packed show with a Broadway cast either. Its like someone took this beautiful area with the best hiking and biking trails and natural wonders, and just let the local Kmart plastic Barbie design the city. Complete with new palm trees down town, and plenty of motor home parks. I loved it here for the first few years, it was a season of exploration. A season of growing up, and learning. Some of us grew, and some of us learned. Some of us fished, and some of us suffered through some very red neck grade schools, with -one- African American student. ( don’t get me started) And then we realized its 110 degrees here in the summer… extreme heat that requires you to fear your cars metal parts, not having air conditioning is worse than not having deodorant to cover up the sweat you will exude while walking to your car/oven . Few will wear practical shoes in summer, only flip flops,( no one says thongs anymore) and the cheaper the better. You start to think about what good baseball hats you own, sunglasses and thick sunscreen at all times, even inside! If only we all looked like Newport beach or Laguna, its more like NASCAR meets Burger King. Everyone carries a water bottle, because you drink enough water to feel like and look like water- balloon ready to pop at any moment…clothing becomes less important and you start to think you might just grab a light beer and sit on the porch in a chair with your radio on wondering what the rest of the world is doing speak like dis. ( AH!!) It makes you wish it was winter again, snowing freezing, and you’re putting on the heater in your house. Heater bills, cooler bills, water bills, it becomes a strange monotony of trying to fight the weather, especially if you have ever lived in a temperate climate like Marin County or Berkeley Ca. Mother Nature is not taking requests, you either respect her or she will teach you’re a lesson you wont forget. And the utility-bills you don’t forget either.

As the seasons changed, so did I. I weathered many storms, and grew new branches. It was always my priority to make sure my kids had good opportunities, safe and healthy places to play. And have innocent fun, simple truths of childhood like walking to school, field trips to Whiskey Town Park, Skiing and walking the river trail. My goals were always to focus on the family, not the problems. Not the real problems that hurt me. While I was busy with kids and a house, and work, I was not effectively dealing with larger problems that looming very near to me. I chose not to see them. I didn’t want to, I wanted my life to be perfect. It was very easy to hid behind the curtain of the busy mom persona, and just accept that my issues with Steve would eventually pan out.

At First , the kids were too little to notice my pain. Even though my Father could see my life was upside down, and was quite concerned, he was caring enough to support my life choice. Kids first, I have the blessing of children, because I have Houdini, stories for all three, life is amazing isn’t it? He stepped in as a good grandpa. He was more than a band aid, he was a nanny, cook, and best friend. He was coach, teacher , disciplinarian and a stand up guy, so that I could work all the odd hours that a four star Resort would require. Late nights, Holidays and weekends, were my usual hours, I was the mom in the day, but at night I was doing sometimes 5 course dinners until 2 am. It was hard on me, I was glad to have my kids covered. Because the nights when My spouse was home after his 8 hour work day, alone with the kids, he was often to drunk to do the good father production, like make dinner do homework or play with the kids. Most often he was passed out, and the little ones were left to their own. I had no idea until a neighbor called me, and said Your husband in on the floor, I think he’s dead! It was a pattern that would eventually become such a problem that odd behavior would resound each evening and hearing about from the kids wasn’t the worst of it. It came to pass that the Police would get involved and it wasn’t pretty. I was devastated.

After my Father went to Texas we had no pacifier for the little ones. A large and obvious hole appeared, and the stress began to tear the family apart. Why didn’t I want to see the falling of our family? Why was I numb to it? Because I got scared. Scared to lose it all, and it made me numb.

Maybe it was because I finally figured out a way to own a real home, complete with cats and roses and insurance. There were so many commitments, schools, friends, church and the idea of quitting is about as feasible as standing in a river and expecting it to stop flowing by the simple act of standing in it. Or like trying to keep a small boat with oars in one place on the River (of emotions.)

Stopping an entire River-midstream, is a requirement we can only ask God to do. So I waited for a sign. I prayed and kept the faith that my Church said would be there for me. I was just floating downstream in a tiny life boat , me and my kids, with no oars and I was just hoping for swift current to take me to a warm safe shore. Without the help of my spouse to raise my children, I might as well have been left to the sharks on the pacific ocean. But my love and commitments ran deep for my family, and just saw my little boat as my duty, and I had stayed afloat for the past ten I was sure I’d make another ten. Meanwhile, the river flows, on and on. I hear rushing waters music, and I am no longer scared. I learned to stay still and quiet, and careful not to rock the boat. I learned quickly to watch and listen for the ebbs and flows. Some days the river was very strong, and I had to work hard to stay afloat. I would just paddle feverishly, all day until I was exhausted, I’d do two jobs often and working nights. That also meant I also would not have to deal with him. Working kept my mind happy and away from the emotional currents at home. Some days, it was calm, and beautiful at home, I was able to create the visual setting that could relax the most wild animal, complete with music and BBQ and candles. It felt like floating on your back, calm and still in the life stream, just taking in the sun; I really believed it was getting better.

The intoxicating power of the immeasurable life force of a real river is a constant reminder of just how small you are, and how little anyone can control the bigger picture. Then, just when I thought I had the hang of it all, everything changed. I can no longer sit still, the pain is too great and it makes that tiny motion, in that moment, a ripple effect on the river and we start to rock this little boat we live in. It’s a scary feeling, your whole world starts to feel unsecured. I had to decide to hang on, or watch it all tip over, sink or swim…But if one of us falls in we all fall in, there is no other way. We’re all in the same boat, what you do over there, no matter how small effects us over here. In good families, the storm will rock the boat, and test the waters. It’s a opportune time to show the strength in numbers, for the Father to be the shield or the Mother to be the bear. I learned to be a bear, and that isn’t always good for anyone. Father disappeared when we needed it the most. He fell into the river, and seemed to sink to the bottom depths of greed and want. Thirsting for all that he saw and hungering for more than he could ever afford. I watched but did not see, him fall for all the traps that a man in charge can step into. I could not stop him from falling into habits of gambling, and loans, and credit cards. His job became his family, but he lived and breathed for his friends, and began to separate himself from the people that loved him, for the people that paid him. Falling over and over into the traps of what he wanted forgetting all about the effect it would have on the future of his home and family. He fell and fell deeply into debt. I really had no idea.

Falling in really isn’t so bad. The rush of the cold water can be invigorating, cleansing, awakening, if you’re ready for it. If you’re mature enough to know what to do. Younglings cant be expected to know what to do, learning to swim is a valuable skill, falling isn’t.

Living on top of your emotions all the time is a ride that either weakens or strengthens. You will find out what you’re made of what you’re able to handle, and what you’re carrying around. Other people who notice you floundering will offer sticks to hold onto, they are doing what they can. Most of the time it’s a short stick, and unable to really pull you out of the river of emotions.

But after paddling the little boat in the river of emotions, and waiting for the current to change, the water finds its way in. Your feet get cold and you start to miss the comforts of a stable life. The boat I sit in has many holes, and I am up to my neck in freezing cold water, I am afraid., and my body is going into shock. I need comforting, I need to get out of this boat. I yearn for friends and quiet. For safety and sanity. Hungry for something else, I wonder what would it be like to be in another persons arms. It breaks my heart, and I wake up from my dream of 23 years of love. What happened, where am I? I begin to question what my whole life is about, nothing feels the same. Where did we go wrong, what did I do to deserve this….I hunger for answers…

We starved because we did not fish for friends together, We got burned because we did not cover your debts. We stepped on each others toes because we didn’t move onto bigger and better things when we knew we should have.

When you are sinking in the water, only you can save you.

No one can swim for you.

Other people can hold you up under their arm and pull you, or tie you to a rope and pull you out, But only you know how to swim for yourself. We keep ourselves afloat or we pull others down with us.

How long can I swim upstream to get back up and be with the big fishes? How long can I really last against the current? I was okay for awhile, but the season changed me. I know the river I navigate, is swollen and overwhelming, like the tears that fall down upon my face as it all becomes too hard to handle. I find the strength to pull myself to the side and rest on the warm sandy shores. I look to new horizons after I have drifted for what feels like years. My skin is tan and leathered from the sun, my face is creased from the squint of my refocus. I pull myself to the warm sand bar and lay still for awhile. And as I rise from the shore, I can smile and take the hands of friends. I have been washed in the river of mercy and graced with the hope of new memories to come.

This is now my time. My turn to hold the rudder, my season to fill the sails and chart a new course.. And since you bailed out of my boat long ago I will find a new speed I need to behold new shores of calm waters and cool breezes.

Farewell to romance