Its a good day to write for me, after a long long break from it. I have been yoked with a feeling to write about the what it is that children teach us, what it is that they show us, and how much they can change our lives. Its funny to me to think about my kids because I know all their stories, because of course they are my stories too, but I get it when people who dont have children dont get my fascination, they cant. I mean how can you possibly know what it would be like, if you havent been there right? Sure thats easy, people cant understand what they just dont know. But is that just an excuse?
Really, the truth is anyone should know about children, because even if you dont have any, you were a child once, everyone was once. We all wore diapers, we all learned to walk and talk and go to school and stub our toe, loose a tooth, and skin our knee, all of us, in truth we are all very similar. Its the experiences that hurt most we remember, often the best of times, we tuck away, and dont remember. Oddly the pain is what is easiest to pull up for most of us. We are most of us just bumbling through life, wondering why and how and what to do...
I know there are those really rare exceptions, people who claim to have super grown-up personalities and adult-likeness' as youngsters. But ask anyone who actually raised one those gifted children, there is not a one, that is completely mature, because that can only come with life, with the years that pass the knowledge of living it in a way that teaches a youthful ...right? Or is it ...Does our knowledge actually come, via our DNA, and we are simply programmed to act a certain way and we as adults are just mere puppets to our own brain, does our personality evolve over time or is it embedded in our prewritten information that is scripted to create our skin, our teeth our bones and our eyes, and even our thoughts? I have studied this concept with my bible study class and the well educated Pastor, who thinks that yes, we as humans do tend to repeat the same actions over huge spans of time, and even within in the family have similar thought patterns, it makes sense right? People say that, smart kids from smart families, mean kids from mean families. Ask any parent no one wants to believe that we cannot change the past or change behavior patterns that arent healthy, of course not. Is it really that easy, ask a parent that has a child that wants to have a sex change, or is openly gay. It is the society that forms the "acceptable" concepts, sometimes we know we cant conform, we cant be normal...is that really so hard to believe. Not if you understand child rearing, and how the brain actually grows as in infant, and what we can actually see happening thanks to remarkable research in this field.
There is a well known Doctor by the name of T. Berry Brazelton, who is an excellent writer, hes also an infant specialist and pioneer of study of the infant brain, inventing the APGAR test for newborns. He has an entire hospital named after him and his care is so famous that a television show titled " What every baby knows" launched his ability to show care for infants all over the world via television. It was when I had my children that I was introduced to this Doctor of the brain, and within the grasp of deep love for raising a well rounded child, I found out that we are actually smarter than we realized in the past, just as infants. He says that according the way you treat a child from birth to age five, the brain will grow all of its tree like patterns and connections, and the more stimulation and more activity the better. I also found out that you can tell the personality of an adult from a very young age, and that it is almost impossible to try to change the way a child actually behaves, with corporal punishment. Dr.Brazleton has this phrase in his book, "Touch points" where he helps the parent understand the difference between reacting to a child in a way that helps the child to separate -the behavior, and the actual person. The Phrase is used to teach the child love and understanding of his own life, the moment I heard it I loved it, and I still use it to this day because it makes sense. " I love you, but I dont like it when you act like that, and I will stop you, each and every time, until you learn to stop yourself." It means, the action is bad, not the child. It also says, I love you and I will stay with you, no matter what, until the child can handle it on his own, promise. I loved the moment I was able to get to the place where saying this was enough, it was all I had to say, and I could stand back and relax. This lesson did not come without, deep and painful thoughts of my own childhood and while I was working through my own life experiences, I wondered why had I not been treated this way...I had to endure seeing behaviors that mimicked my own childhood through the eyes of a parent, this time it would be up to me to handle the situation, this time I would be the one in charge.
Quickly we realize when faced with situations that ditto our childhood that we were supposed to go through it, to feel it, to learn from it and to remember what we would have wanted to be better, had we had the chance. The childhood behavior that is the most common is sibling rivalry. Dr. Brazelton teaches that parents are not to be involved, and literally to let the children "fight it out". To learn to deal with life issues on their own, but he also says that it is important to set the example as the adult that a constant circle of safety exists within the family home, in the arms of the parent, and in the eyes and smile that encourages even in the toughest times, even in the most scary moments when a child needs to find control. This lesson will adhere to the soul of the child forever, and you know in a the first heartbeat of your child, you are going to be tested as the parent, you pray you never fail that test.
Hugs and consistent words are easier for young children to pattern. He used the examples of the African mothers, who when they go for walks, sing a long song for a long walk, and a short song for a short walk. Simple consistent songs that give a safe pattern of understanding, without really having to explain exactly about the time of the walk itself. Brazleton also used other examples, but for me the music resonates; I loved the idea that in the middle of nowhere, a mother who probably doesnt have much on her back or much to wear, will sing, for comfort to her child. This has got to be the most universal way to show compassion to a youngster, to sing a sweet familiar tune, using your voice as an instrument that soothes is as easy and as simple as can be, its also completely free. Sometimes I am positive that is why we as adults cling to music, for comfort, because for every human that has ever been comforted as a youngster, there was most likely a larger loving human that sang to them in some fashion, as we have long codes of DNA that desires music like food for the brain. Positive vibrations from the voice are easily recognized no matter where you live. A radio can bring music in the most remote and far off places, of course musicians have the ear for celebrating the diversity of notes required for the individual. Even the deaf, find comfort in in knowing words through hand motions, and try to connect via words, we all find ways to connect, sometimes positive, and sometimes painful.
Sadly the human voice can be used for painful things beyond sweet soothing sounds of traveling songs. We as humans can say words that cut like knives through the toughest of hearts, leaving the helpless victim to bleed invisibly, without any hope of medical treatment, only time can heal that kind of wound. Words can wound us, more than fists or knives, words can permanently damage us and even create patterns of thought that persevere over long periods of time. Its a lot like a weed that has been allowed to take root, nothing to show for the top of the plant, but the roots make it a formidable enemy, able to push up anywhere and reseeding itself just when you think its dead. But we are not weeds, we are for the most part smart, and we are able to process the information as adults that may have held us back as children, and separate ourselves from that time. Only to make us smarter, stronger, and hopefully functionally able to help others to believe that we can endure that kind of pain, and we are not the only beings going through the suffering, we are not alone.
Children do this without knowing it, they look up at us and show the face of fresh untarnished skin, and gaize upon us with such faith and trust that no adult can resist the lure of love from such innocent eyes and heart. We usually melt and speak in baby talk, hoping that they cant see our inner hurts, our own stubborn patterns of childish excuses. We can be exposed in a minute by a child that has a new ability to see life and express himself with words, why else would we coin a phrase, " from the mouthes of babes" because children say and do exactly as they please. Until we are taught by our parents or by some unfavorable event we will do the things that please us, and until we have children we will only live for what we have been patterned to do from our own childhood.
I ask you this, do we all grow up, or are some of us grown up to begin with? I think this kind of question deserves the response of others, and to each his own mind to decide. It is only us that can judge ourselves, and in the eyes of those we love we can ask for resolutions to the questions that we ourselves put upon our hearts and our own minds. It is in the Bible that we see timeless knowledge laid out, to show how we can learn from what is good and bad, or whatever you believe it to be, these stories parallel our own experiences. Go back to the beginning of books we want to share thoughts, we can understand so much from others, that were all once children, and grew up in similar ways to us.
I will be pondering the thoughts of who is grown up and who defines what is being grown up, really, that is to come...
Through this new chapter of my writing about my life I hope that you as a reader might have the strength to see that we can heal the inner child that has been hurt, and we can separate ourselves from the behaviors of others, and not separate from the person, because love teaches us with a strong heart, we need eachother and we can choose to remember something good -even if its just getting smarter from a tough experience. You are amazing you lived through something very scary or tough or sad, you have learned from it, and no one can take that away from you.
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