Isn't it funny how we remember our life? We can choose to remember it the way it was, or with time we can create a new memory, altering the reality of the old one, to make it golden, this beautiful and warm color that somehow hides the hard edges and softens the sharp painful realities.I have golden memories of untainted moments I love, and I have some not so great ones... Funny, is a word that can mean, ha ha funny, or strange funny, I think in this case its strange how we can alter our memories. Anyone familiar with the Harry Potter series will find this subject parallels the Half Blood Prince edition, book 6 in the extremely popular and powerful stories about a wizard that has been marked for death by a staunch enemy. You might not even know what that book is about, but you know the name Harry Potter, or you might think good gracious its about Magic and freak out on me that I am somehow evil and not capable of truth. I cant tell you what to think, nor will I try to convince you anything about magic or the HP series, with that said, I can tell you that there is a wonderful scene in the movie where Dumbledore shows Harry a vivid memory he has managed to save ; Dumbledore also informs Harry that this memory has been tampered with by the same person that created it, after which he says why would anyone do this? And of course the answer is, because they are ashamed of it, and they don't want to remember it the way it really happened. OOOH Scary!
I am afraid that if you cant relate to this, we might have some problems with the rest of this little blog today, because this the part where I say, YEA~! Who hasn't done this? I mean, I have some crazy memories that I would like to forget that I cant, and I just don't tell the whole story, sure that's easy. Hiding how we really feel that's when we are being polite, to others, who needs to know our problems anyway? But actually changing them, so that we believe something different because we are afraid that we did something that was so wrong, we might not forgive ourselves, this is far more nefarious. Why cant we at least be honest with ourselves, we know that Dumbledore isn't really going to pull them from our subconsciousness so why do we do this?
Recently, I have made some very difficult choices to move and separate myself from my spouse of 23 years, this is a big deal for me, and its not come without much pain and suffering for everyone invloved. There isn't one memory that makes or breaks a relationship, married people are very tolerant by definition, and we can alter the simplest of days to be colorful, for the sake of joy. In every family it's normal to have skeletons in the closet. The problem with us, was we had filled the closets and the ghosts were just too much for us, it was haunting to live day to day with the problems we had. Problems cropped up all over town, it was stressful and depressing. I could no longer alter the days and nights in my reality-or mind, to be better, I could no longer withstand the pain and smile or shove the dirt under the rug, it was clear the shoe had dropped and I had to be the one to make the change or it was going to be made for me. This was like a guillotine for me, it was cutting of my nose despite my face, was I going to be better off? Or would this be a huge mistake? I really felt that I was ready for a change, but would the kids be ok...I just had to do something, before it all blew up! ( and it sure did! )
Time can only tell right? Well so far, I have had the opportunity to work, very hard at a new job that I absolutely love, this new challenge and distraction makes for a life that requires more organization, more skills, more ability to meet people and new experiences....OR is it? Why does it seem as if, its just exactly like it was before, why do I feel like this is all so familiar.??? Working in a Doctors office, with all my experience, hmm no this is all new right. Well it cant be or would I even be able to do it, it has to be somewhat familiar or I would not be able to achieve it. Clue one. I choose to do the same things over and over...
Might it be because I moved from one family that had problems with money, alcohol and anger, to another family home, and strangely enough the same issues...and it only reminds me of the relationships I had before but walked away from because I could, and this time I cant, because its just me. Well. this is a bit of growing up isn't it, why did I think it would be so much better, its only so much more work and now its without anyone to --blame but me. Clue two, people are actually very similar but we see them differently when we are in love with them, we expect more from them and demand more from them...
What is this? I did that thing where I actually thought the grass was greener, I guess I should be honest and say yes, because Id be lying if I didn't say it. Its greener where we water it, of course it dies when you neglect it. Now this one is not completely my fault, it takes two in every relationship and so this is just the place where you must be honest with yourself and say, are we happy here, No. Okay- this is not going to change with me. I cant make you happy, you cant make me happy, now what? ( try not to panic do something!)
Id also be lying if I said that I didn't miss my husband, ( yea neither of us have filed ) that I haven't all ready altered the past memories to forget the bad things, and feel deeply sorry-and-this is the most important fact of all. Clue three. Perspective is everything!
In order for me to go on with my life, according to the people that want me to move on, I have to forget all about him, and find a new person. But if I could forget all about him, then, why would I need find anyone new? When do I say that its pretty much the same mess that were all in no matter who we are with, because the struggles in life are just projections from our own inner needs. We cannot see in other what we don't see in ourselves. If you cant be happy with you , then you cant be happy with someone else. This epiphany came from the book is it love or is it addiction, years ago. It merely states that we as adults will search out people and experiences that heal the inner child, that recreate our childhood, and that we are just filling the holes that we remember as children.
Have you ever talked about your memories with your parents, and then gotten a completely different story from them? Sure! We cant see things exactly the way other people see them, so there is this gray area of the past, this strange gap of what actually happened and what we want to remember. Albeit that we can retain some very good memories and there are many people who have excellent thought retaining process'. I am not here to argue with that, I am stating that it is a fact that we cant help but search out our souls desires, and many times this is because we have wanted " it" since we were a child, and never had time or the inclination to achieve it. What ever it is!
I realized this, when I came home to be with my family and said, OH yea, Now I remember why I was determined to get out of here, and did ! When I said, this is not for me and wanted more, and then it all came back to me, I wanted more than I should have and maybe, now that I have been around the block I can only see I run the risk of repeating myself, what a fine mess this is! Clue Four. I am out of the frying pan and into the fire!
Meeting up with old friends, that just don't seem to care; friends.yea they are nice and yet so flaky, that was familiar. Talking to men, that wanted to "date" me, and they are crude and insensitive just focusing on Sex, and the attachment, instead of the time it takes to get to be friends. And then; the truth of the early source of my hurt, the reality of my own brother that sets his mind against me like the familiar oh so painful childhood, that made me so insecure, was the tipping point, it was then it hit me. I had it all, we really had it all, what happened? Clue five. I was not paying attention to the reasons I had made for myself from the beginning! OMG
Life falls apart, and we don't appreciate the good things until they are gone, and in Love we let the ties bind us too tightly and loose our natural flow of give and take, of freedom and growth. We join the ranks of thttp://youtu.be/jPDh0F67YsAhe Jones's and Simpson's and never realize that maybe we are closer to Addams' and we are so weird and obscure that we most like do belong together after so much-- time together. I am not disappointed that I have moved on with my life here, because this is what it takes to grow. The details of the break up Id really like to alter, unfortunately its all too sad, written here and if thats not bad enough -my subconsciousness does not let me.
I wanted to share today that time does make us better partners with ourselves and our choices. And the good news is- space and time can be the very best teachers, because nothing teaches like experience.
There are clues all around us, all you have to do is observe and not react. I wish for more time now, more peace and yes more real friendships. We shall see what the future holds. The Truth really does set us free.
LOVE
LIZ
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