:s

Heart broken

Heart sick

Heart ache

Rocky road- pain and suffering

Sit with me dove, hold my hand peace, grant me life O Lord.

I cannot go through this without you, I am standing in the unknown river of fear, and working on the future. Forgetting today.

I'll let go of sadness of shadow and stand in the light and hope and faith.

Prayers of love please

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

Sink or Swim

Redding can be a beautiful place to live. In the beginning, I loved the weather extremes , actually experiencing all four seasons brought great comfort to me. Christmas lights made sense, you cant see your house in a snow storm! All the outside activities charmed my family’s hearts. Biking, hiking , fishing and boating, on jewel blue lakes is something everyone should try at least once in your life. But being stuck on a houseboat with the people, even those that you love ( for at least three days and nights), will either make your friendship, or break your patience and have you running for shore. It is a serene feeling to have no cars, or sounds of cars, or buildings around you and the huge majestic mountains seemed dressed up in their best trees and shrubs and flowers at all times. Now crazy boaters do exist, but you can always find a way to get to someplace where it feels like no man can find you or take away this, space, you have claimed. Mt. Shasta is beautiful too-all year round, skiing is amazing especially when it doesn’t cost you a fortune, or take more than 1 hour to get there. There is also a nature preserve very near my house that has a 3 mile paved or dirt trail to exercise. From that space you can see all three mountain ranges while enjoying the bird sanctuary on the flat land. In the evening, the sun sets and the white snow turns from pink to purple to Fuchsia, its spectacularly -breath taking and awesome.

Beauty is all around you here, BUT, it’s ironic because some of the worst fast food offenders are available at every corner to make you too fat to enjoy half of the wonders that are offered here. Big box stores, and low budget clothing stores are all that is available. (No worry though, there isn’t much to do anyway- really, but it’s within three hours of Ashland Oregon or San Francisco.) You can hang out at the Cascade theater and sip wine at a local wine bar. But if you have ever been outside this town, and actually been to the wine country it wont be easy to find a wine you recognize or a packed show with a Broadway cast either. Its like someone took this beautiful area with the best hiking and biking trails and natural wonders, and just let the local Kmart plastic Barbie design the city. Complete with new palm trees down town, and plenty of motor home parks. I loved it here for the first few years, it was a season of exploration. A season of growing up, and learning. Some of us grew, and some of us learned. Some of us fished, and some of us suffered through some very red neck grade schools, with -one- African American student. ( don’t get me started) And then we realized its 110 degrees here in the summer… extreme heat that requires you to fear your cars metal parts, not having air conditioning is worse than not having deodorant to cover up the sweat you will exude while walking to your car/oven . Few will wear practical shoes in summer, only flip flops,( no one says thongs anymore) and the cheaper the better. You start to think about what good baseball hats you own, sunglasses and thick sunscreen at all times, even inside! If only we all looked like Newport beach or Laguna, its more like NASCAR meets Burger King. Everyone carries a water bottle, because you drink enough water to feel like and look like water- balloon ready to pop at any moment…clothing becomes less important and you start to think you might just grab a light beer and sit on the porch in a chair with your radio on wondering what the rest of the world is doing speak like dis. ( AH!!) It makes you wish it was winter again, snowing freezing, and you’re putting on the heater in your house. Heater bills, cooler bills, water bills, it becomes a strange monotony of trying to fight the weather, especially if you have ever lived in a temperate climate like Marin County or Berkeley Ca. Mother Nature is not taking requests, you either respect her or she will teach you’re a lesson you wont forget. And the utility-bills you don’t forget either.

As the seasons changed, so did I. I weathered many storms, and grew new branches. It was always my priority to make sure my kids had good opportunities, safe and healthy places to play. And have innocent fun, simple truths of childhood like walking to school, field trips to Whiskey Town Park, Skiing and walking the river trail. My goals were always to focus on the family, not the problems. Not the real problems that hurt me. While I was busy with kids and a house, and work, I was not effectively dealing with larger problems that looming very near to me. I chose not to see them. I didn’t want to, I wanted my life to be perfect. It was very easy to hid behind the curtain of the busy mom persona, and just accept that my issues with Steve would eventually pan out.

At First , the kids were too little to notice my pain. Even though my Father could see my life was upside down, and was quite concerned, he was caring enough to support my life choice. Kids first, I have the blessing of children, because I have Houdini, stories for all three, life is amazing isn’t it? He stepped in as a good grandpa. He was more than a band aid, he was a nanny, cook, and best friend. He was coach, teacher , disciplinarian and a stand up guy, so that I could work all the odd hours that a four star Resort would require. Late nights, Holidays and weekends, were my usual hours, I was the mom in the day, but at night I was doing sometimes 5 course dinners until 2 am. It was hard on me, I was glad to have my kids covered. Because the nights when My spouse was home after his 8 hour work day, alone with the kids, he was often to drunk to do the good father production, like make dinner do homework or play with the kids. Most often he was passed out, and the little ones were left to their own. I had no idea until a neighbor called me, and said Your husband in on the floor, I think he’s dead! It was a pattern that would eventually become such a problem that odd behavior would resound each evening and hearing about from the kids wasn’t the worst of it. It came to pass that the Police would get involved and it wasn’t pretty. I was devastated.

After my Father went to Texas we had no pacifier for the little ones. A large and obvious hole appeared, and the stress began to tear the family apart. Why didn’t I want to see the falling of our family? Why was I numb to it? Because I got scared. Scared to lose it all, and it made me numb.

Maybe it was because I finally figured out a way to own a real home, complete with cats and roses and insurance. There were so many commitments, schools, friends, church and the idea of quitting is about as feasible as standing in a river and expecting it to stop flowing by the simple act of standing in it. Or like trying to keep a small boat with oars in one place on the River (of emotions.)

Stopping an entire River-midstream, is a requirement we can only ask God to do. So I waited for a sign. I prayed and kept the faith that my Church said would be there for me. I was just floating downstream in a tiny life boat , me and my kids, with no oars and I was just hoping for swift current to take me to a warm safe shore. Without the help of my spouse to raise my children, I might as well have been left to the sharks on the pacific ocean. But my love and commitments ran deep for my family, and just saw my little boat as my duty, and I had stayed afloat for the past ten I was sure I’d make another ten. Meanwhile, the river flows, on and on. I hear rushing waters music, and I am no longer scared. I learned to stay still and quiet, and careful not to rock the boat. I learned quickly to watch and listen for the ebbs and flows. Some days the river was very strong, and I had to work hard to stay afloat. I would just paddle feverishly, all day until I was exhausted, I’d do two jobs often and working nights. That also meant I also would not have to deal with him. Working kept my mind happy and away from the emotional currents at home. Some days, it was calm, and beautiful at home, I was able to create the visual setting that could relax the most wild animal, complete with music and BBQ and candles. It felt like floating on your back, calm and still in the life stream, just taking in the sun; I really believed it was getting better.

The intoxicating power of the immeasurable life force of a real river is a constant reminder of just how small you are, and how little anyone can control the bigger picture. Then, just when I thought I had the hang of it all, everything changed. I can no longer sit still, the pain is too great and it makes that tiny motion, in that moment, a ripple effect on the river and we start to rock this little boat we live in. It’s a scary feeling, your whole world starts to feel unsecured. I had to decide to hang on, or watch it all tip over, sink or swim…But if one of us falls in we all fall in, there is no other way. We’re all in the same boat, what you do over there, no matter how small effects us over here. In good families, the storm will rock the boat, and test the waters. It’s a opportune time to show the strength in numbers, for the Father to be the shield or the Mother to be the bear. I learned to be a bear, and that isn’t always good for anyone. Father disappeared when we needed it the most. He fell into the river, and seemed to sink to the bottom depths of greed and want. Thirsting for all that he saw and hungering for more than he could ever afford. I watched but did not see, him fall for all the traps that a man in charge can step into. I could not stop him from falling into habits of gambling, and loans, and credit cards. His job became his family, but he lived and breathed for his friends, and began to separate himself from the people that loved him, for the people that paid him. Falling over and over into the traps of what he wanted forgetting all about the effect it would have on the future of his home and family. He fell and fell deeply into debt. I really had no idea.

Falling in really isn’t so bad. The rush of the cold water can be invigorating, cleansing, awakening, if you’re ready for it. If you’re mature enough to know what to do. Younglings cant be expected to know what to do, learning to swim is a valuable skill, falling isn’t.

Living on top of your emotions all the time is a ride that either weakens or strengthens. You will find out what you’re made of what you’re able to handle, and what you’re carrying around. Other people who notice you floundering will offer sticks to hold onto, they are doing what they can. Most of the time it’s a short stick, and unable to really pull you out of the river of emotions.

But after paddling the little boat in the river of emotions, and waiting for the current to change, the water finds its way in. Your feet get cold and you start to miss the comforts of a stable life. The boat I sit in has many holes, and I am up to my neck in freezing cold water, I am afraid., and my body is going into shock. I need comforting, I need to get out of this boat. I yearn for friends and quiet. For safety and sanity. Hungry for something else, I wonder what would it be like to be in another persons arms. It breaks my heart, and I wake up from my dream of 23 years of love. What happened, where am I? I begin to question what my whole life is about, nothing feels the same. Where did we go wrong, what did I do to deserve this….I hunger for answers…

We starved because we did not fish for friends together, We got burned because we did not cover your debts. We stepped on each others toes because we didn’t move onto bigger and better things when we knew we should have.

When you are sinking in the water, only you can save you.

No one can swim for you.

Other people can hold you up under their arm and pull you, or tie you to a rope and pull you out, But only you know how to swim for yourself. We keep ourselves afloat or we pull others down with us.

How long can I swim upstream to get back up and be with the big fishes? How long can I really last against the current? I was okay for awhile, but the season changed me. I know the river I navigate, is swollen and overwhelming, like the tears that fall down upon my face as it all becomes too hard to handle. I find the strength to pull myself to the side and rest on the warm sandy shores. I look to new horizons after I have drifted for what feels like years. My skin is tan and leathered from the sun, my face is creased from the squint of my refocus. I pull myself to the warm sand bar and lay still for awhile. And as I rise from the shore, I can smile and take the hands of friends. I have been washed in the river of mercy and graced with the hope of new memories to come.

This is now my time. My turn to hold the rudder, my season to fill the sails and chart a new course.. And since you bailed out of my boat long ago I will find a new speed I need to behold new shores of calm waters and cool breezes.

Farewell to romance

@Wise_Strides, 5/22/11 10:11 AM

Lafate Smith (@Wise_Strides) 5/22/11 10:11 AM 'Hypersexual disorder' may be put in diagnostic manual (orlandosentinel): At an annual meeting, psychiatrist... feedzil.la/mSJZOZ

Liz 

www.pandawishes.com 

School of rock jack black

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8ZL6UoRlY4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Your sixth sense is your sense of humor!

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

From a good friend

Thank you Sandra Mussey

"We are all choicemakers, not victims and we can choose to say NO to a 
situation that isn't nourishing to us or our families.  And if we can't heal the 
conflicts or change the situation into something nourishing, then I truly 
think our intuition clicks in and starts coaching us to move away from 
something toxic."

Blessings of the Internet email

Liz 

www.pandawishes.com 

http://definitions.uslegal.com/l/loitering/

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

Fwd: More Prayers

Liz 

www.pandawishes.com 

Begin forwarded message:

From: Karen Frost <jkfrost@sbcglobal.net>
Date: April 29, 2011 2:03:29 PM PDT
To: jkfrost@sbcglobal.net
Subject: More Prayers

Psalm 121:1-2  I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

 

Psalm 143:10  Teach me to do Thy will, for Thou art my God.  Let Thy good spirit lead me on level ground. 

 

More Prayers for Today

 

• A prayer request has come in about a meeting that will take place on Monday.  The people involved are very anxious because of past difficulties in their relationship.  Please pray that all involved will be patient and kind with each other and that the meeting will be productive.  Guide the people making the presentation so that they will be articulate and that communication will be clear.  Let the glory be to God. 
• Also, please include a prayer for those waiting for decisions to be made which can affect their well-being and livelihood.  May they know that God has heard their cry for help and will be there always. 

Amen 
 

Karen

Fwd: SLOW GOINGS!!

Liz 

www.pandawishes.com 

Begin forwarded message:

From: SLOW FOOD <slowfoodshastacascade@yahoo.com>
Date: April 18, 2011 2:49:08 PM PDT
To: KATHY MOORE <mundanerealism@yahoo.com>
Subject: SLOW GOINGS!!

Slow Food Meetings Chico/Butte area - 3rd Tuesday Tuesday April 19th 6:30pm GET INVOLVED - COME JOIN US THIS TUESDAY! Grange Hall 2775 Old Nord Ave. Chico April is grange membership month http://www.chicogrange.org/application.pdf Mexican Brunch @ Llano Seco Rancho Llano Seco Rancho 8369 Hugh Baber Lane, Chico, CA http://www.llanoseco.com/ May 8, Mothers Day at Noon Brunch with us under the oaks at the beautiful Llano Seco Ranch.  Together we'll eat a traditionally and creatively prepared meal with local and Mexico grown ingredients. Tickets are $30 | ages 15 and under are $1.00 Tickets available at: Lyon Books - 121 W. 5th St., Chico, Discover Earth - 641 Main St., Red Bluff Tickets on line: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/171596 We are fundraising for Collaboratively Creating Health Access Opportunities and Services; Farmer Certification Scholarships Menu: Strawberry Mint Salsa and Goat Yogurt  Chilaquiles Chorizo or Vegetarian  Handmade Tortillas with Slow Cooked Pork or Wheat Meat  Ranch Beans, Green Rice and Jicama Salad  Churros  Empanadas Spiced Sweet Coffee with Raw Milk   Juice~ Tamarindo, Strawberry, Limeade  Come visit and learn FREE 10am-noon! Ranch Tours | 10:15am and 11am Kid's activities | animals piñatas face painting quiz card for a prize Electric Tractor Tickets for Brunch need to be purchased by May 6th. No tickets will be available at the door. Spring Bloom Event R.S.V.P. for Spring Bloom    Please R.S.V.P. to pr@lucerooliveoil.com.    Simply state... Subject: Spring Bloom Event Content: Attending or Not Attending May 21 at Lucero check out the link: http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Save-the-Date.html?soid=1102998498121&aid=n0sDCVlUREY#fblike

Re:

 bitchin' ride

Miss my baby

Love Ford Cars and Co and founder!

Ideas for sic fi books

Aliens or us from another century?

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

Part of the last dream May 02

Rain that doesn't end
Big storms-the sky seems alive but tilted
Birds fall from the sky
Planes fall radar is broken
Satellites fall- space junk falls
Aliens land; people w large frog Ike eyes, and dog people,
luminaries, very small people, cross bred animals too-cat/dogs

Stars fall to earth
Lake of fire
The horses rule over the earth
Fire, storm, and death
Waiting Watching on our knees

Faith and love in your heart in your mind makes me invisible to hatred, evil, it passes over me.
Science fiction fantasy ... Or

TLC-Unpretty Remix (with Left Eye's rap)

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V2axiY7qFk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

Intuition and Healing

Hello Blog, its time. Time to pull back the veil and let in the light...I have been too nervous to talk about this before. Before today. Don't read more unless you are sure you want to know more about me, its not for the faint of heart. I have learned that good and bad exist at the same time, like Ying and yang, we must learn to see both at the same time, and chose our own side.

I have decided to publish all my stories, first the list, and then details about them. All of them-- even one's that are very-mysterious, or faith based, and even the scary ones. Yes even the shocking true stories, I usually cant talk about, so, I have to write them.

I haven't been able to write, it's been a very difficult time for me. I have been overwhelmed with emotions and have hid behind my curtain of shame. I cant say that I have been wizarding a false image of my life, because that is impossible for me, but I can keep myself busy. My curtain consists of, a house, and a yard, three kids, and a panda book, five cats, and a vault of mysterious stories that I cant tell anyone about, for fear of looking like a heretical lunatic. For an encore, I live in a Marriage that is rocky at best, with more hours apart logged in than together.

Lately, it has become impossible to use my magic cloak to hide my woes, I feel that all of my secrets have come out into the light, for everyone to see. Everyone that matters can see it, and its like, one of those nightmares, where you have no clothes on I wish I would wake up from it. I am blogging about it, mainly because I have mother brain, I worry deeply about those I love, and need to find ways to cope with being a caretaker, to be a better caretaker to myself. If I am to really survive this new transition, it is going to take a great leap of faith, and the excess mental baggage of years and years of tears, needs to be washed from my face, and as the J.M Barrie said, " I need clean fresh thoughts, for the morning" Clean out my brain.

I cant wait for my time with :

Sandra Chadwick Mussey, May 14 & 15

Developing Intuition Classes

For success, healing and creativity

Today I write with her in mind, and I will attempt to convey a sample of what she means to me during these years I have known her. To somehow show my gratefulness to her undamped spirit that has stayed connected to me psychically and through phone calls and mail. Mostly through womens intuition.

I met Sandra when I worked in Mill Valley, as the manager and paste up artist at Sprinter Printing. I was the go to girl, Creative professional design, for all types of business, and even for the Bay Area Music Awards, (I can show you an Award I worked on !) I was happily working in a place that cant be described in mere words, magical moments! It was the age of paper ship crystals, no one could afford a personal computer and phones were not even on the horizon yet. We sat the under the muse of Mt. Tam, while the solar planets aligned, literally! Few people worried about much more than the heat of the day. Books were still gems of hidden knowledge revered by scholars, and mined out in book stores by those seeking the wealth of those privileged enough to write and get published in that rich universe of paper and ink.

Read, work and drive up to Mt. Tam, and marveling at the view and seeing the planets align, would only sharpen my faith in something larger than me, in control. New Age was born and a new genre of publishing, it was the way of truthful -positive thinking, and it would open my heart forever to learn to listen to the inner voice, and the inner guides. The new age concept wasn't really palatable until I spent a day with Sandra. I had designed her letterhead and cards while at Sprinter; she loved them so much, so offered a free healing session in return. With honest trepidation I went, but with love in my heart, and an awesome reference from Helen, another power female, I was not going to let this opportunity go, plus I had questions!

Sandra lives in a home tucked far, far away in the densely wooded mountains of FairFax California, it has surely has dancing magical fairies and once a night, Bambi comes to feed at her back door. What? okay, thats far fetched, and really this place- needs no dressing up. Nature does all the work, I am only making light of what I believe seriously changed me, somehow. If I possessed the ability to see and have dreams like I did after I met her, I still d0 not remember them; because it would be days later, I would begin a series of Clairvoyant and prophetic dreams, from and about people and places that I would have to wait to find out all the meanings, until they came to ...the news. Dreams, like never ever before. More remarkable encounter with amazing people, that if I played my cards right, would walk along a path of enlightenment with me. I seemed to be able to tune into the frequency of my life with lucid dreams and well ~Love.

I had just met Steve ,people always want to know, how you met your spouse. Sandra did too, it was one of my questions, and remains -- Who was the man who told me?

Here is the story. I had lived in three places, my life, Livermore, Berkeley and Marin county. I had seen my fair share of beautiful, rich, famous, men, but no one really wanted me. I had a bunch of weird scary dates with older men, that had money and fame and power. I was unable to feel comfortable with any of them, no matter how hard I tried. Look, I said, hes rich, come on Liz...I could not be fake. Or worse, I heard once, "your just a pretty face" not a person?

What is wrong with me? I always felt attractive, and I thought I knew what love should be. But somehow I always attracted the wrong guy...looking for answers...

I read two books: How to be Married in a year, and Is IT LOVE or IS IT Addiction?.

I healed my inner child, learned I make myself happy, and I made a list of the perfect guy. Well, the perfect guy, for a girl that lives in Marin, and has lived barely 21 years. It was a little like the movie Mary Poppins, I made this list and tore it up. And never thought it would happen, I mean, how in world, will I ever met an Australian in Marin, that was on my list like oh sure, that will never happen. I didn't know the power of suggestion, or the power of Prayer, I only hope that it wasn't a wish granted from something that resembles the movie bedazzled,( as time has shown, now it's hardly been a dream come true.) During the week of my Grandmothers Birthday, Oct 10,1987 I would have three new male people come into my life and change it forever. ( yes holy Donny Darko Batman)

I was a cocktail waitress in a Hotel that had famous guests, like Journey, Rob Lowe, and the late great Paul Newman, while attending art school at college of Marin, I also held down two other restaurant jobs, and a Oracle Mailing list. I actually didn't work one night a week, because, I tried to defy my body and just not sleep one night a week to make more money! I all came crashing down , when I hit the tile at work - I slipped -on spilled ice...I fell, hit my head, went to Kaiser and ended up with whiplash. I would feel lucky to be alive, and I had this new respect for pain. That night I would meet THE MARK ALLEN founder and owner of New World publishing. He was this amazing publisher of people like Shatki Gawain, and he even is credited at publishing Depak Chopra's first book. It was an uncanny feeling, of good luck... but at this time he was most famous for his connection to Shirley McClain and the Lazarus books, and having an affair on his wife.

These Lazurus books trained you to meditate, and explained the miracle of the risen Christ. I knew little about this person who claimed to channel, but I believed in the supernatural and the history of Lazarus is rather miraculous to hear, even if I didn't know exactly why. The successful company that Mark's books kept were the elite artists in Marin, the new age shakers and movers no less than the Fog City mavericks, making me the UFO with eyes like saucers, wanting & wishing to be apart of something of this caliber.

A Foolish heart asks for more than it can handle, I would be way over my head, when the day after Mark's visit, I would get my visit from another stranger. A man dressed in fatigues, smaller than me, would walk right up to me at work and say," I know you, You just want to be loved."

Strangers have said worse things to me, and I was not afraid, but the boss I worked for, and four of my associates stopped and stared when he said it right in front of them. Stunned, one of them said, who do you think you are? I am not sure, what he said, but it certainly upset her and she left...

It was then he looked right at me, and said, You are going to meet the man you are going to marry very soon, then he shook his head, looked up, spoke to someone, and said, YOUR GOING TO MEET THEM MAN YOUR GOING TO MARY TONIGHT! yes he said it to me!! Imagine it!

Well, - my laughing associates, left me to my strange friend, as they usually did, on a night with nothing better to do. I looked at him, and just smiled , and said, well all right.

Thinking only about the one's that got away, I fished back into my mind, wondering who it was...

Little did I know, that a young, wife beater wearing, Aussie would flash his green card at me, and I would not see my heart again for the next 20 something years. It was instant! I was sure it was him. I thought I could handle it, I was sure I was liberated enough to stay true to myself...I thought we could just live and learn...together.

But then the dreams started, over and over painful dreams of being hurt by him. I would soon search for solid ground, only to find that my body would like to fly like a magic carpet every time I would close my eyes at night. Something I had been dealing with, and learned to control, through lucid dreaming. I was used to the flying out the window dreams, only this time, it wasn't just an innocent flight through dream land, it was a real place, and real events happened as I watched. At first it was like something was stealing me. I didn't get it at all. I had to ask him, do you believe? He would just shrug it off, it was as if, he couldn't talk about it, it was too painful. What was this feigned silence? I was able to get out of him, the burning bush, from a question now that works ever so justly, What would it take for you to believe?

That night, out of nowhere, a storm hit our town. Crazy lightning and tornado speed winds, would damage trees and strike homes. One giant bolt of lightning, struck outside our window, ten feet from us, the tree would catch fire, and as we watched, it burned like a haunted moment, before the rain washed away the fear. Leaving us with, a stump of proof we could not deny in the morning. I am sure this did not phase him. I said dont wish for that again!

As I would struggle to understand Steve, his vanity would often unhinge me, as he could hardly stop the swivel of his head, and started many arguments with his stubborn selfish attitude. The daily drama and mystery of my young and restless life revolved around new extended family with poor manners and a devoted mother(inlaw) that was icy at best. Two years, had passed now, and the signs of break up were there, I did not see them. Break up, and make up, is all we do...I thought it was normal...and maybe it was meant to be. I would dream about an Earth Quake, and as I have written it on my other Blog I wont write it again, but did you know, I would also give birth to a child exactly nine months later...but what about the song, and the suggestion...

the day before the big earthquake dream, the song I still hear today, that haunts me

mother and child reunion...by Simon and Garfunkle. I was the top salesperson now at an Art Gallery in Marin, I took my store to the #1 in sales, and it was enough to make the men jealous! they hated that I could not only sell, sell big, but clean and be a young woman. My fellow staff went out for a $5000.00 dinner, anywhere I wanted! Of course we ate at Steve's restaurant..we made the tip on it too, my boss seemed super--jealous. The Vice President, came to meet me, and that same day, I would become overwhelmed with a feeling I could not explain, but it said, walk away.

After much debate, I did. In the car on the way home, I heard the song, ...Mother and Child reunion...it was like I was electrocuted, it just amplified in my heart. I know it felt very powerful, because- earlier that day- I had also lied to someone, about being pregnant, and I never lied. I had this one client that bought from me, and he wanted more than just my professional opinion he was clearly in love with me. I thought I dodged a bullet the day, he asked me, if I was serious in my relationship, and I quickly said, yes, of course. I am pregnant and getting married, ...what man would argue this saintly discord... and it was like instantly I was sick.. just as I said it, and I made myself sick that I would turn to such a bizarre excuse. That was the last time I was Liz the art sales lady, and the next thing I was Liz pregnant lady.

Do you think that this is easy to believe? what if I told you, that I would also hear a story from a co-worker about her pregnancy, and how her unborn son came to her and her husband as a ghost in the hospital, and he told her that he was going to be, disabled and sickly. I met this child, he was clearly disabled and had one arm. When I asked her gently about her son, she simply said, hes my Buddha, and was content to tell me the entire remarkable story of her sons plea for a family that loved him and warnings of his ill health.

Martin Lawrence Limited Editions, was a dream to work at. I was surrounded by Modern art, and sold some of the best. Andy Warhol's, Erte, Max, Yamagata, Harring, and more...but it wasn't meant to be.

There would be an earthquake, and a war, and ...more haunting dreams.

I will need to make a list, now, then I will follow up on these events as I can try to relate to the best of my ability.

1. 89'Earthquake-My Brother as my guide- see the link included.
2. 89 Iraq War and Flaming Oil Wells
3. Chris saves us from a --Fire at our house
4. Freddie- haunts our TV?
5. My best friend returns to tell me, he's Dead?
6. Move to his Mothers house...live in the cellar?
7. Aliens watching us?
8. A new job, and the song again...
9. Dreams of a house, turns out we just move into...more nightmares...in Novato
10. Ashley baby 2, and the dream of Nolan..baby 3 day after Ashley is born?
11. Dreams of Aliens for Steve, dreams of a murder for me.
12. Death dreams haunt me and Irene...
13. Move again, live with my Dad, disaster...
14. Move again live in Santa Rosa...
15. more dreams, the Atlanta Bombing...
16. the first signs of gambling and excessive alcohol,
17. dream job! Sonoma Mission Inn & Spa...More dreams
18. Polly Klaus, goes missing, and shes where?
19. Ford Corporation gets us a van
20. Kobe & earthquake headaches
21. Atlanta Bombings
22. Catholic Priests Molesting Children, really?
23. the Angel shows the way-to move again- Bad real estate deals, and dealers...
24. Nolan the psychic baby?
25. Rohnert Park Miracles...
26. Saints and their generous powers
27. Dreams of Ruth Harkness, the panda book...
28. Baptism brings dreams, to Nolan..his Jesus dreams-
29. A real Church, and a connection to God Finally ...
30. 9-9-99 learning to pretend
31. real fears of future 9th days...warnings..ignored
32. Moved again, this time to a house all our own in Redding...
33. dreams of buildings, and more warnings.
34. Aliens again?
35. Intuition or Psychic dreams of my Brother in Thailand?
36. My grandmothers warnings, and the stars that fell from the sky.
37. the four horses, the date of the Iraq war
38. and the gun song...from the children
39. the signs of separation
40. the end

Why do this? not for exposure. For closure.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/01/world/asia/01clean.html?_r=2&ref=science

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

http://healthland.time.com/2011/03/28/the-pain-of-romantic-rejection-like-being-punched-in-the-gut/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

Greatest netflix NF

http://www.silkroadteas.com/servlet/the-template/mps_cats/Page

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

I'm lost without you

Another rainy cold windy day.
The sky isnt a color I can describe,
It's like someone changed the world the shades of grey and all the light and color has been drained away.

As I look at the large strong trees in my yard they stand tall and strong and protect my house, and yet they seem small and frail against this wicked storm, like old statues left outside, ready to crumble. I pray they last one storm but have no idea if the will be able to.

The streets are wet, the wind has a snowy chill to it, the flowers have faces that say sun where are you? The hours pass each day and I've lost my shadow, without the sunshine I'm less than myself, I'm sad.
If sunshine was a safety blanket I feel that I'm in about to crash without helmet.
I used to think I knew what I was doing, I used to think i had an inner map and a precious guide to walk with me, I used to feel sure footing on the trail. There is a new path for me, but the rocky road has made me tired, the passage isn't cleared and I have no guide, and no light for my feet.
I will walk as far as I can, but the idea of a safe place secluded and charming seems so very far away.
What will I do if I loose my way, how will I ever find my way back, when I can't go back ever.
My eyes have deceived me, they tell me to look like them, act like them, and be like them. If my eyes were shut I could not want, I could not see what I was missing. If my eyes are shut I will get lost for there is no path so faithful that darkness offers.
A leap of faith, blind faith, out of the darkness and cold and into the sunshine and comfort of the Warm day.
But not today, it is grey day today. My life is grey too, my heart and my head are soggy and damp. I'm one glass window, one last bill, one last plan from homeless.
It's not what I would want, I'm not in control of it all though, sometimes acceptance is as powerful as trust or forgiveness.
God you have never let me down, I need you now, I'm
So lost without you.
Take my hand , show me the way back home.

Liz

www.pandawishes.com