It's November

I m writing today with a heavy heart, so heavy I dont think I can carry myself away to do anything except write. Living is different for me now that my son, my first son who just turned 18 in June, disconnected from me and the rest of our family on October 9 2008. It has been without a doub, it is the most painful exerience in my entire life. If you knew me you might know what I mean by that, but few of us ever get to know anyone to that extent. But as parents we think our children would know us, know what hurts us, and that is why no one can hurt you like your own child.


Writing is my own way of leting out my pain, my only way to let go, and it stops gushing tears, and wakes me up to my own responsibility to take care of myself. My english doesnt matter, my writing is short and too emotional, I know. I write from this deep source inside me that is begging for relief, pleading to become new again, but my core must look like a deep well of black ink. My insides are not bright and cheery, they ere not blushing with youth and love, and do not focus on the sights that are to be, but for some reason my insides, feel nothing but sheer pain. I cant get past the pain, i go back into the spiral of anguish, over and over, and each time I slide back I feel as if the hole is deeper and more debilitating. I cry out of relief, I cry out in sheer need to release the compression in m chest, but i get no relief from my wallowing, i manage to make myself more useless and even more helpless. I have run out of roads wo walk down, I have been down these before, and I swore I would never ever do this again. I would never let my heart be broken, and I did not anticipate that my own child could do such a thing, I was wrong. There are no laws that protect parents from wrongs of the childhood misgivings. There are laws for parents who abuse kids, and there are jails for those who kill others, but there is no law that can contain the prisoners of love.



never give up, never let go, and always remember-- be careful what you ask for you just may get it.

always