If only it was that easy. If only we had simple lives, that crossed all borders of understanding. If and when that happens I'll be waiting.
I'm a person who has been a lover of stillness. My mother would comment how calm I was as a child. A thinker, a serious ponderer of life's awesomeness. Why ? I just had to. I was surrounded by much older adults, being the youngest, it made me grow up faster. I was told to act a certain way, dress a certain way, and be quiet. It wasn't a choice it was expected of me. Conform or suffer.
I was grateful for all my good things and people around me- it was a good idea to listen I knew this. So I thought this is how everybody survived , you did as you were told. Worked for someone else, paid your dues, and good things would be my reward. So that was my mistake. (I see that now in my kids- boy do they fight back!! Wow and it was the demise of my marriage no one told HIM what to do!)
It would be apparent how different I was when I struggled to grow up Around those that could lie and manipulate at a rate that could surpass my wildest imagination, too bad, I could care less about the superficial world. I had too much supernatural to deal with, undeniably. Plus I was this bombshell girl- no one ever let me forget it. It just never ended about the looks- but don't worry it will serve you well- my mother would say. And then she'd say, marry a rich man...um?
To bad I wasn't one of those that could do that. I'm run by my heart, it sometimes will confide in my choice but most of the time- its like a magic box that knows exactly what it's doing. I can't explain it, clairvoyance is a gift and it's bewildering at best.
I couldn't like or even kiss someone for their 'money '. And honestly the ones that were tenaciously after me ..I actually wanted to like ... Well I tried, it lasted about 6 hours, and nope money wasn't enough for me- I knew I had to follow my heart. I learned through date after date with famed and rich and handsome ... And even through corvette gifts and far away travels, turning it all down wasn't anything I regret. You have to prove to me you love me, with devotion and affection, once you can do that, I know money is not the focus.
I would live to name names here, but I won't. It was a lonely life for me actually, I think men construe good looks for -must be taken, when it seems to falsely facade me with a smile of a clown. I would attract all sorts, but nothing that was real. I even heard, your just a pretty face, it's not like I would marry you ? What does that mean?!
To try to date was icky, it was horrible and I hated it.
I just couldn't take what wasn't mine, including someone's heart when I knew it really wasn't mine to have. It hurt to play with someone emotions, and yet now I wonder... Was it just my emotions? Who really loves one person- I'm thinking very few people even desire this - state of oneness. Men everywhere claim the armadillo in there pants is in control, wandering and unfaithful but truth is even women do this. I'm unable to do that either, I just can't play with your heart.
I was on the outside looking in at my people that I missed and knew, I just had move on. Most of the close friends I had were obsessed with what felt like kids music and I was raised on adult jazz I couldn't -just Rock I needed a little more roll, and love and gratefulness. I walked away... I looked back and missed it, and no one really kept in contact. Not really- I used to say I cheated time. I moved and just started over...
I packed my dreams away, my experiences, my life's secrets safely hidden from my view. Not the first time for me anyway. I had to keep it together all my life, through my parents divorce and a subsequent latch key life style from age 11.
It was just a lie anyway- I felt. Wasn't it? If your friends disappear, they weren't friends. I grew to know I was my own best friend, and I grew invisible bumpers and antennae to keep me safe. I just didn't take anyone's bs. It wasn't like I was an island, because I played my fair share if foolish games, and found that hurt isn't exclusive to friends, people who you hardly know are even better at it than I would dream.
So I convinced myself, to dress up and play nice a be married. It was divinely guided and I believed it, that story should be told here- ill only reference it because my x has requested me specially not to write about him.
The hardest part was the dichotomy of being this female in a world that seeks to somehow preserve beauty and show great love to me through the most unbelievable miracles in the face of cruel hardship and abuse from the ones I couldn't choose. In other words prefect strangers brought me happiness and people I knew hurt me more than I could take.
If you understand that, you probably love to work, like me. You love to do good for others, like me, and you probably even talk to strangers. This is not exactly resourceful. There isn't anything more confusing than to be liked and admired but all the world, but abandoned by your own.
It's incredibly lonely.
It's when I turned to prayer and meditation this inner peace was truly joyous ; but again lonely because I'm a people person- I can't fake it.
Time flew by - 30 years... And I've come full circle. I had unfinished business and well I'm back to fix it. I connected with a long lost friend and felt my heart heal a hole that has hurt everyday. I am so grateful. Many of my old good friends have been absolutely glorious to me, and I'm very proud how they have grown up and lived their life.
All the same people doing about the same things, only this time a license to do what ever the hell we want! it's just not what I had in mind. Me dating again? Me and the world raising this teen ... I'm clinging to beliefs that I was never going to do this again! What -again I was willing to dress up and sit at the table and be quiet?
Not this time. I'm going to live out loud, without bumpers and rose colored glasses. I'm going to have a little talk with my heart and let it know
this is me- give me something to hold onto!
So I twitter insanely. I go to loud rock shows that I missed out on. And I paint the world in vivid color as my canvas too plain for human consumption. I steal around and find new friends and even play guitar now-
Oh no! My kids say - I'm happy for you- and I'm finally living my own life.
Pesky heart ache still creeps in and I still bleed like a teenager.
It's not a push button world, I can't turn it off and on. But I can change the channel and find exactly what I like.
Even if it's just looking, maybe now I join the rest of the world and just enjoy ride and open the window and let my hair get messy.
I will work hard to create a goal by this time next year.
Watch me :
New car
New biz
New friends
Renewed pride in the dream.
If I've tweeted or talked to much I can apologize. Part of living out loud is listening, I'd be interested in your opinion your truth and your life matters to me. Go ahead and email me at
Slmasloff5@ hotmail.com Say what you need to say, it won't push my buttons, promise.
Here's to a happy 2012
Plan for success!!
Love and pandawishes
E.B.Masloff
