Just a little note to keep in touch...
You see I love to keep in the good graces of my family and I often write, call and email. Lately I have realized that I am an owner of a broken heart. That doesn't mean that I cant find love or that it hasn't found me...Its just that I think I have one of those defective ones, because I don't seem to hate anyone no matter what they do to me.
I have time and time again, worn my heart on my sleeve and have offered it up for grabs, and even put it out for all to see, only to have it stolen, chaffed, run over, stomped on and even- lost for awhile. I have since found it, and I have put it back where it belongs, right here...or is it?
You see I am wondering where does our hear belong? The Beatles said, we should hide our love away, and NO wonder because of all of the things on earth is there anything more talked about more debated more used and satirized that the human heart? Musicians, artists, poets, lovers and haters, everyone has a heart-- right?
It's made of gold, no wonder everyone wants to collect them ! Do we even know how much our heart is worth, I am willing to say that few people have ever studied the heart and exactly what it does for them everyday. If ever there was a taken for granted item its got to be the human heart, for all it does, for the love for the life for the blood and for the millions of beats, do we even understand how it works?
What makes you tick?
I have a story I tell once in awhile, about my mother, whom I love with all my heart, and this experience felt as if the hand of God touched my life. If you don't believe me, shoot me, but read this and think about how much of a coincidence it is...
I spent my freshman year of High School at Albany High School in California. I followed my Brother there, who was without a doubt the genius 2nd in his class only to a kid who never received a B in his life...???! As he considered school a joke, he was the chemist, the French student, the cross country runner, he could pass every class without even trying, and did , at the age of 16. Went on to Cal Berk, and so on, I was not like him, and my life had taken this odd and supernatural turn, for reasons I don't know why, it just was more and more obvious that I was being tested. I was treated terribly as I was not the student he was, I eventually left this school for a far better school, BHS, and this was the story I told to the Superintendent, that allowed my to achieve a transfer and the last, the very last-- pass to change schools.
I had been stuck in a horrible health class, after my fall from grace in biology. The teacher was not only the auto shop teacher he was the drivers ed teacher as well, he looked like Ted Bunde from Married with Children, and he was about as intelligent. One morning he said to the class don't forget your term papers are due Friday better not forget. I said, ah what term paper? He said, oh you weren't here when we assigned them so you have three days, here's your subject good luck. He gave me a torn piece of paper, all it said was " heart attacks". That's it, no outline no assignment per say, just this tiny note left over from what was probably a bowl of choices.
I did my homework, I do my work! I went to the library, and checked out every book they had, there was mostly reference books so I had to do what ever I could to read and learn when was there. I went to the Cal Berk Library, and looked at all the great health books thanks to my Brother, and was really interested in learning about the heart. I was open to learning new things, and found similar and redundant information in most books. During the eighties open heart surgery was still a very mysterious thing, and the biggest part of this surgery that was emphasized was the anaesthesia, and the Dr. who applies it. The procedure at the time was to stop the heart and then put it on the machine to give drugs, and balance fluid, and blood through the machine until the patient is ready to come out of it. The line of knowledge for drugs is thin, too much and you die or don't wake up, too little you can feel pain and wake up! Its amazing that we have made progress from the 8o's but most of the concepts remain, fix the heart, and take drugs. Dr's cant be exactly sure what is the perfect mix, or amount, its a hope most of the time, its a love and the Dr will stay with the patient the entire time hes being treated.
A new heart is still , not widely used, I learned about pace makers, and digitalis's. Defibrillators , were still new outside-hardware, big and useful but not perfect like the body.
I learned how read the signs of heart attack, the dizziness, and fainting the pain in the arm, and other extremities, and how to treat for shock. I found out that when the heart stops from a heart attack that the brain is at risk for damage because the lack of blood flow to it, that raising the feet and knees higher than the head is most important, this has not changed. Treating for shock and getting emergency care also hasn't changed. When we think about how often people have symptoms, we should not forget how we can help. (Know the signs and offer care)
I did my paper, and drew and hand painted beautiful image of the heart and the four chambers and the ventricles and labeled the entire painting, with correct blood colors and correct names; that was my cover, of my ten page paper. I turned it in on Friday, on time and in plastic. I was elevated to know I could do it. My teacher looked less than impressed as I handed it to him.
On Saturday morning, I awoke to the usual morning, at my house, coffee and fresh pastries, and I was always eating those fattening pastries, ooh they are so good in Berkeley. Big round pastries with cream cheese and blueberries! I was quite full, and needed a walk, after that. My mother loves to walk, and she said, lets go I will walk with you. So we proceeded to do as we always do, walk up up up to hills in Berkeley, looking at the beautiful houses and trekking up the steep and winding streets; I thought we would get lost but my mom loved to just wander and it was a nice thing to do, and just talk. This day we had gone only about two or so miles, and it was warmer than usual I remember. We passed a house, that had a beautiful dark red plum tree, the kind that just drips ripe fruit onto the ground, the kind that invites you to it, with shade and fragrance. She reached for the plum, and she said oh, dear, and in a voice I did not recognize she started to banter, I cant see, I am dizzy, I cant see oh no...
I turned and caught her as she fell -- I knew in my heart=-=- OMG- shes having a heart attack-- and I knew exactly what to do. We were on a hill, and it was perfect for putting her head down to keep the blood in her brain and keep her healthy, I put my head in my lap,and I talked to her and held her. In what could not have been but a minute the owner of the house, ran out, and said, "I am a fireman, the ambulance is coming!!" I did not even know where we were but in seconds we were whisked off to the hospital, just me and my mom. My Mother as it turned out, had not eaten any breakfast, she had only had coffee, and the caffeine was effecting her heart rate so badly that she might not have lived had she not been given proper treatment.
They said her heart is 220 over 220, it was off the chart!!!, she was delirious, and kept saying things that did not make sense, to this day, I barely remember anything about an ambulance, I cant say much about it, except it's a blur, but I sure remember the fall, and the plum tree and then she stayed there. My Mother was in intensive care for three days. Over a holiday weekend, and only one day into her new insurance kicking in too!
On the Monday, holiday , we sat with her in the Hospital, and she was linked up to ALL the machines, and on drugs to try to calm her, but we really did not help. Just seeing me she would wind up again and the machines would alert the nurses.
Then something happened the Dr came in and said," I MUST meet this Daughter, " he looked at me, all of 13, and said, " how did you know how to help her, she might have....she was very,.." he stopped short, knowing he could not say, died, in front of my very sensitive mother
I said, I did a report and just turned it in! he looked at me and said, "I want to see this report..."
Feeling great I said OK!
Tuesday came and when I came to my health class I was certainly wiser. I was handed my report back, and it said F, in a big red marker over my image of the heart.
My heart was torn! What is this??? ARRG! I still brought it to the Dr when we went to get my mom the next day. He asked for it, I was ashamed... I showed the DR, he said may I see it, I said I got an F. He said, let me have it ! He walked away with it like it was gold...He held it close to him, and walked out...He said I will deal with your teacher!
I was so vilified, and yet validated. It was like , God himself was going to change things for me. I knew I had helped my mom, even if I never passed another health class, it was worth it to know what I did. It was something that I will never forget, and nether will my mother.
I found out that the Dr not only loved my paper HE called and talked to the teacher himself! He resubmitted the paper to me, and had hand painted it with white out, erasing the F. The paper came back and A-, he said it was too long. Never acknowledging my reward of success with my mother.
That is when we need one of the new hearts, one that is so resilient that nothing breaks it. If only I had one, I wonder what kind of person I would be. Would I be totally different? Remember in Charlie and the Chocolate factory, when Willy Wonka says, " where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head ?" Do we learn to love from our family, or from our environment, are we hard wired to be a certain way, no matter what, is it in our DNA? I feel like I just care about poeple, and could never turn down a person in need. But we need to accept the facts, people can and will do mean and cruel things to us, if we let them in, and let them see our giving and loving hearts, and we can only believe that GOD himself passes judgement, not teachers, not cruel grades, not even me. I will always want to be out there , giving my heart, and not expect to get anything back, because my cup overflows, with abundance, and I can give to live.
But if you see me, or read this post, don't think I wont want to be validated or loved, back, I don't have a plastic heart, I still bleed.
There is another story, that comes from the little prince, where the fox is broken hearted and says hes going to cry, the prince says, that I have done you no good at all. The fox say, oh you have done me good, and I will give the gift of a present. It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. You become responsible forever, for the hearts you have tamed.
LOVE and pandawishes
LIZ
