An Eternity of Frustration...

I said to my Husband of 20 something years, sometimes I feel like Sisyphus, and he said what is that? Even in trying to explain it to him, I was not able to reach him; ever notice that some people really don't listen? They just look at you with that blank stare and then go on to the next sentence like, you did not even say anything? That is what it is like to talk to him,unless its about him- he just doesn't get it, we can try to talk about things, but the ball will always fall back on me. Its a frustration that begins to become overwhelming for me, and I just cant explain it any other way. Thanks to Wikipedia for this definition:


"Sisyphean task" or "Sisyphean challenge"
As a punishment from the gods for his trickery, Sisyphus was made to roll a huge rock up a steep hill, but before he could reach the top of the hill, the rock would always roll back down, forcing him to begin again.[2] The maddening nature of the punishment was reserved for Sisyphus due to his hubristic belief that his cleverness surpassed that of Zeus. Sisyphus took the bold step of reporting one of Zeus' sexual conquests, telling the river god Asopus of the whereabouts of his daughter Aegina. Zeus had taken her away, but regardless of the impropriety of Zeus' frequent conquests, Sisyphus overstepped his bounds by considering himself a peer of the gods who could rightfully report their indiscretions.[3] As a result, Zeus displayed his own cleverness by binding Sisyphus to an eternity of frustration. Accordingly, pointless or interminable activities are often described as Sisyphean. Sisyphus was a common subject for ancient writers and was depicted by the painter Polygnotus on the walls of the Lesche at Delphi.[4]


I can visualize it, because I am a visual person, I like to paint pictures not only with my art, but with my words, it is important to me, to create calm, and beauty. I used to believe that I was bonded in love, now I am not so sure, I am bonded all right, in frustration...

For so long now, I have struggled with my choices and have tried as much as possible to use what I believe are my talents, my ability to speak clearly with people, to help and serve, and in this facility I have always made my living, and been complimented for it. Most people would agree, that retail, and personal sales, writing,and artistic teaching requires a talent and love for open communication with all peoples.

It would seem that I could accomplish this talent even at home, and yet, I cannot, and even on good days, the less I say the better. The people I share my home with all agree on one thing, unless you speak about STEVE, he cant talk about anything else. It is one thing, and one thing only, him. All things revolve, wonder, live, and breathe around him, and therefore, when it all stops, you can imagine, what happens...No one can possibly encompass all the necessary talents to please all people, and no one can be completely at a loss to communicate when they are of common intelligence, so what makes this uniquely different? Consistently, there is a lack of compassion, for anything outside his realm of vision. I can liken it to a Black Hole, you are led in, but you wont come back out without fight, and nothing can fill it, nothing can stop it, nothing except GOD, and itself. It will take everything, it will suck in the light, and it will not stop, ever, it is relentless, and can only see itself, one way, to take to destroy, and to make all things work for it. It cant see what it has done, it can only go one direction, and black holes don't tire, they don't take days off, and they don't have feelings.

In other words, out of sight out of mind, and he is most likely always out of sight. I wish it was, the cool and groovy -" out of sight.." but its not, its absence, and it doesn't grow fondness it creates holes of problems.

I was going to talk about Sisyphus, and how I am constantly pushing and working to try to find a way to fix the problems, and then I realize that if I just let go of the ball, it might just disappear right? Problems don't disappear, you know I have read a lot of books on religion, and Indian Philosophy, being American Indian, as well as ABORIGINE, and one of my favorite analogies is the dark room. Do you see yourself in the mirror, yes you do, now turn off the light, do you see yourself now? NO, but that does not mean you are not there, YOU KNOW YOU ARE THERE! You don't fool yourself to think that you are not, in fact you probably look harder to see yourself in the dark. Indians have many stories that parallel society of this day and age, they speak of the times to come and they understand the rich heritage of where they have been, it always peaks my interest, and even though I am not a practicing American Indian, I am a believer of their faith. I am also a believer of Jesus, and have had my path shown to me over and over, but the sad truth is, I have also, because of my good faith seen the dark sides, the fringes, and the edges of lightness, where dark takes people and uses them for that purpose that can and does hurt others.

No one likes to talk about the fringes, no one wants to hear about it, but in the ying and yang, there is always both, light and dark, male and female, good and evil, and all the greys in between. You cant have one without the other. I cant deny it because I have seen it, (and I have tried to offer some of my stories on another blog I have listed called pandawishes.)

but science says there is no spiritual, there is no religion, there is no faith, no...love. Because if it cant be proven mathematically , it cant be, real. Prove to me that you can make someone love you, that you can make someone care, prove it to me. You can't, you know you can't, and no one can. There is no guarantee that you will be loved, no matter what, we know that is truly up to you, it is the perception of what you think love is. If you think love is, pain, then it is, if you think love is sex, then it is, if you think love is watching television while eating, and drinking until you fall asleep, or making tons of money, or traveling to far off remote areas of the world, it is. WE can only be who we are, and what is even more misleading about love, is that when we first meet the people we fall in love with, our brain tricks us, it provides us with free drugs, so that we don't know right from wrong, we cant do the right thing, we are turned on, and we cant turn off. Until the love runs dry, and our brain stops pumping the love drug it is like any other addiction it can't go on forever, unveiling the truth, about ourselves, and the path we let our self fall into. It is the smartest people that don't fall in love, that don't let themselves go, and keep the straight and narrow.

Love will break your heart, love will make you cry, and according to Mother Theresa, if you love someone you will not be able to avoid pain. If this Godly- person that knew the truth about love, who was so willing to be selfless and giving to so many, to give up her own comforts, she is someone that I know has a handle on this, feeling of -eternal frustration. Mother Theresa says,a Mother will have unavoidable pain, as they give birth, and bleed. So many people will look to children for the completing family, and never realize the selfless commitment they require, the constant testing and the loss of freedoms that arrive as soon as that baby does, children never really get this, until they themselves have children. The love of a parent to child cannot be compared though, and if you are a woman, you know what I mean, it is as close to God that you will ever be, and sadly some will play god with their children. Tender moments of infants glide us for years through much of what should be the happiest times of our lives, but more often than not, someone is the caretaker and someone is the bread winner, and in that agreement, somehow, we can forget the pain is there. When the focus comes back to the couple often there is no commonality left, and the holes in life cant be filled with time, or money, or travel or gifts, it can only be filled with ...you tell me, what is your choice, your love of choice, -aka drug of choice.

If love breaks our heart, then pain is maybe the best teacher, the most consistent, of the lessons, that we can count on, once we embrace that, we again find the struggle of balance one that begs of necessity over gain, or we give into the lacking of something, and that too will cause the pain.

Recently I was explaining what it was like to watch your children turn into adults, and how difficult it is to know when you think they are ready to be on their own, and make difficult adult decisions. I compared it to a fine wine, you know you have worked hard to grow this fruit and you have struggled through the seasons of dry and plenty, and kept this harvest safe for wine. And when you made that wine you used only the finest bottling equipment, you proudly placed your name on it and made it to the best of your ability, and lovingly placed it, safely in a place that allowed for time and care, waiting patiently for the day to let it breathe. No one really knows the perfect day to open a bottle of wine, not really, if you wait too long, it can be past its prime, and taste watery, and thin and even be ruined, but if you open it too early, it can be harsh and green lacking of any flavors, and then it will also be ruined. Wine is a fine line, you have to know how to take care of it, with a lot patience and stable surroundings, so that when it is opened it will allow your senses to taste and enjoy what is one of life's great wonders. Fine wine, is a art, it is the encompassing of great knowledge, difficult farming, good basic water and ground, and years and years of experience. As the best wines will show you, it gets better with time, and usually, the longer you wait, the better the fruit, the greater the value. I know wine is not a child, and this sounds very -- Christian of me, but the truth is, Christ used wine as the blood for a very good reason, this bond this vine is our life force, and we are all apart of it, you cannot live without the family bond, and you alone, one grape does not make a great harvest, you must bond with others, and find your talents. Stick together and prove your value.

That is my dilemma, I surely did not know when was the optimal time to uncork myself, and pour myself out to the right table guests, and therefore, I am hesitant to let my new fruit out too soon as well. I am eternally frustrated to try to work with the tests that I have, and I know I can let this ball go at anytime. I am not going to be strong for the sake of strength, or fight just to fight, I can only play the goodness game so long, before I am all muscle and no mentality.

If I could change one thing for myself today, I would be grateful for more good healthy work, more time to myself, and more money to be able to find a new path, without a mountain and a endless ball of frustration.

And so I end this with my recent pillow prayer, The Lord is my shepherd, surely goodness and light will follow me all of my days.

Pslam 23