Desiderata by American writer Max Ehrmann (1872-1945)

This is a Thankful themed post, that offers peace in the moment we realize that we can only control ourselves. 


I was very lucky to have a Mother that understood my blue moods. She would say to me, Desiderata, and I would wonder what she meant.  Until the day finally came when she bought me the book by American writer Max Ehrmann (1872-1945).  I needed to read it only once to connect with it, and the release was instant.  I placed a copy in the bathroom.  Nostalgic bathroom poetry isn't glamorous, or expensive, it merely brings you honesty in a place where it is easier to be that way.




Here is a copy widely known for its "over copied" usage.  I have purchased this book several times, it is easy to find.

Take care my friends.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

 Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

 Be cheerful. 

Strive to be happy

What is beautiful ?

Does beauty have its way with you?
Looking at flowers for me is love at first sight, I just have to see them to know I love them...people unlike flowers, have so much more than what we see. So many of us can hide deep secrets, scars, and experiences that color our view of life and those hidden details make us who we are. But how can you really hide how you feel inside forever ?

I watch people all day at work, I watch how they interact with me and I am fascinated with all the unique and wonderful people out there. Part of my job is to give them the help they need and I listen to their point of view, without saying too much about my view. That's my job, listening. Caring for people on pain, so sad how much pain and suffering is out there. Sometimes I just want to take a break, from it- when it's my time - but I can't just - leave. I have to take care of them before me.
I just keep going.
I'm used to this - its part of who I am. I've been in customer service all my life, won awards for it and even trained others with it. Being a mom demanded it, and so does love... When the caretaker needs taking care of, I go to my friends. I find peace in places of familiarity; a drive, a hug, a view, or a soak in the tub. Music helps, a good restaurant a night out. But, for some reason nothing seems to cure my pain, these days. A friendly face can distract me, but since I am being honest here, without love my life is cold and colorless.


With a heavy head I'm tired, I find my rest my retreat. I'm too exhausted to find time to love anyone includimg me. Sometime I think- if I could take that blue pill-just forget... This isn't the matrix and the wrong one's are chasing me that I want to turn around for.

Until I find him I'll not waste my life in sadness.

It's true what they say though. You can't buy love. In fact we are slave to love, we think, live and run for it and from it. It's a word I used to use loosely and no longer do so. It's true, we love not only that which is beautiful or nice, love hurts and you cannot escape that-no matter how hard you try.
I am no expert on love, because I think there isn't a formula for it, or a secret to it. I think you are never truly seeing it with eyes that see, it really does blind you. You don't get smarter with it, because the drug it creates only makes you want more. And beauty blinds you us with love, as you love you believe beauty is at hand.
The Beatles said its all you need, the Doobie Brothers say without it- where would you be now? And Chris Isaak thinks that he never wanted to fall into it... As long as there are people there will be love, and even beauty. It's not a fiction or science book- its as real as the flowers and just as fragile.

I'm sending you a great big hug for reading this, and if you really care respond to this with a beautiful caring word. I promise you, I'll love it.

Grace.

Peace.

Liz

Even cars smile, I can try too. :)

Look at this car- it smiles at you! Have you noticed this ? I'm going to take more of these photos! Mazda has a great new car with a big smile in the grill front. This is the back of a ford taurus :) car gods smile on me- I'm thinking you get all three of the things that can make your life happy - in one good Safe - stylish vehicle!


If you don't know the three things- here they are as noted by Charles Barkley (pastor not bbplayer)
Three things in life we need to be happy :☠
something to do✆
Someone to love♪
Something
To hope for ✌

Hope being most important


I never did post that Versace story, ask me if you meet me.

Have a great day -✌2♨my☠♕♪✆♕kewl friends.
Liz

psycho killer Quesque- C'est

It's Reformation Sunday by the way, and I find it good to remember this day. If Martin Luther had not fought hard against the powers that were the biggest of their time, life as we know it today,  would have been very different I have no doubt. 
 I believe in the people that don't just complain about the way things are, they do something about it, They don't leave it to someone else to do, they get it it done. That is what my family has always been about, You don't have time to complain, you move on, and stay busy.  I have even trained myself to know when its time to move on, and know when to give up. I learned this early on, as a female, you will get treatment that is quite uniquely based on the way your outside appears, and this is a fact of life. Beware of special treament, it can lead to a dead end, or a 'wolf'.  When I experienced this dream I am about to share, I worried greatly about being too open to the things that can hurt me, I looked for protection and because of that,  I have never shared this story publicly.  I feel the need to share it now, mainly because the eb and flow of the tide of my life has given way to more freedom to speak, I am no longer holding back. That was what I thought would help, but now I wish I would have listened better to my own instincts instead of rationalizing everything, realizing the warning signs.


 I call this true story " I was never so close to a murderer" because that phrase says it all. And it was really similar the only thing that was said to me in the dream. I preface it to the reality of the life that I was leading,


I had recently moved into a new apartment, it was January 1992, and I knew I was about to have a baby girl. There was a problem with my in laws, I swear my Mother-in-Law was having a hormonal imbalance because she doesn't remember the things she said and the way things went down, but we lost our place in the family tree and just a week before I would give birth to her second grandchild, we would be ousted from the family and our house. It was an experience that brought me some relief and some pain, relief that I no longer had to be perfect in her eyes, ( which I predicted would happen, I fell off the pedestal) but pain that I knew my spouse must be feeling. Why would this happen to us?  why do we have to move now? We were saving for a house, and it was the dream I thought would save me and our troubled life.

 In search of the perfect place to live, I always yearned for the house with all the yard and room to grow, it comes from my heritage of family farmers, up in Roseburg Oregon.  Words would fail to explain the beauty of our family land, but you can camp there now, its a wildlife preserve on the Umqua River. Salmon run through its veins, and nothing has changed on the face of land really for centuries its priceless. Apartments make me feel like true gypsies, like the simple bohemianism alternative I was settling for, and we thought we found it in this little four-plex in Novato.  Newly refinished it was beautiful and perfect for us so we thought.

Right away the neighbors gave us trouble.  Turning on the cable for ourselves, we get a knock at the door,  "YOU bought cable?" angry man yells at me- "yes?" - I say.  He says hes been bootlegging it for years, and now face a huge fine... that sets the tone off doesn't it. Who was that guy? Oh just the scumbag that lived upstairs that would prove to be a complete idiot- wife beater...


This story isn't about those terrible neighbors, or that fact that James Hetfield was visiting the lady upstairs, oh no, this story is about a dream that I had that changed my life.

I had already had several clairvoyant dreams, the Earthquake, the war, and the third child dream.  I finally felt good, and believed to be more grounded, its what I really needed. But  this new place- really- gave me the most graphic and vivid dreams, to the point of being truly scary. Not to mention the incident where I would actually predict the Barry Sanders 1000 card-in the pack, that provoked a promise from a spouse that would go unheeded.

This clear and chilly night, I awoke lucid in a dream that I was a guest on a talk show, and there were just three people in a room, the interviewer behind a desk, and then me and another person sitting next to me in a chair,. I could see this from a third person view. I could see myself on this show. The man behind the desk says to me:

"So how does it feel?"
I looked around at this room and everything in it is white plastic, all the furniture , its empty and cold, and the two men are wearing BLUE POLYESTER. How I knew this I don't know, its just a detail that reminds me of what a nightmare is;
I say " How does what feel?"

The interviewer says, "How does it feel to be so close to a murderer....!!>?"

I can feel the anticipation in his question, and I turn to look and sitting next to me is this very strange man, and he is smiling with a sheepish grin...
run run run run away,,,,!! this music actually came on while I was writing this!
 I say," That means that someone was murdered, and that must mean that YOU."...and I looked at the man next to me and he just nods his head grinning. 

I am now-terrified in this dream, horrified to think that I am actually sitting next to someone who murderers people....than I wake up with a shake and a start.  I pop up out of bed and its early, but not too early; my spouse would get up at 5 am for work.  This morning he would also wake up from a bad dream:
 He explains that he was afraid too, and very weirded out by his dream. He claims that two aliens would come to our door, and that they would not let him go, that they had this power to look in his brain and scare him stiff, without ever touching him.  He said it felt so real, he was pale and shaking, I believed him, mainly because he never remembered his dreams, and for him to be afraid it must have been pretty bad.

We took this as a sign, we needed to get up and I was determined to get out of the house. So while it was still dark, we gathered up the two little kids, and he dropped me off at my Father's house on the way to work. I was so early, and me strangely without a key, I crept into the back yard, and knocked on my Fathers window. Waking him up with a scare as well.
I felt so bad, tap tap tap tap, on his window, let us in.  He said you scared me!!" I told him why I was there and the dreams, he agreed that it was an odd night. We enjoyed or days off and that time was easy and fun with the little ones.  Time travels differently when you watch over youthful people, we made sure that they were active and watched very little tv.

That day went by without my remembering the dream too much, its just not uncommon for me to have weird dreams so we did n't think much of it, until we drove home.

And as we passed our street, , we noticed that the house across the street was tapped off, with yellow caution tape, and there were police cars and fire engines; the police had to let us in by, as it was a crime scene, we said , "We live here." We got out of the car, went into the house,  and yes, just like a movie, I heard the thunder, CRASH!! BOOM, and it started to rain ....hard. We sat there in the house, and in shock we looked out our front window of this perfect view of what must have been something very tragic. It is always good to listen to your instincts, we applauded our judgement and I was actually not curious to know what happened,. I thought I knew.  In a few minutes, there would be a knock at the door, two police men looking like serious and stereotypical, blue suited men with plastic bags on their hats.  We open the door, and say,
"hello"

they say, " Were you home today?"

We say, " Honestly no"

and they stare at us, and then say okay, we shut the door. That was it...

The police walk off to knock on the many doors that they need to, and eventually that works for them.
They knock on a door of a man on parole who lives in a place just across the street, who when he opens his door, has the weapon in his hand, and it was quoted in the newspaper as saying,
" yea, I shot her, and her sister , I wanted to park and she wouldn't let me..."

He was a parolee who was loony tunes, and he shot this little old lady and her sister who was just visiting her for the  one day, over her driveway...he wanted to park in HER driveway, and she refused to let him, He SHOT HER FOR THAT. My driveway wasn't even 50 feet away.  he shot her point blank in the face, in the light of day...We lived so close to a murderer, and I cant help but think it could have been us that day.  The dream that taunted me, would not sit well in the pit of my stomach, why would I dream that the night before? and the words still haunt me when I hear them, " how does it feel...".

The worst part was, I had never met that little old lady, but I had wanted to.  I looked at her picture perfect house as we walked past it, each day, and we often fawned over the perfect garden and the huge hollyhocks that swayed in the breeze. I used to want to live there, and I coveted that house, I admit it.  It was my view from my front window, quiet and sweet, but never a woman did I see. I would never meet her, and I had wanted to so badly. No longer would that be the case, and it wasn't much longer before we ran from the abusive neighbors above us, that stole from us and even cut our power to try to ...who knows.

When we spoke with the Land Lord, we said why didn't you warn us? He  was apologetic , gave us back two months rent, and said," You were my only hope. They were section 8 and I could not evict them, I counted on your nice family to help me, I knew eventually you would call the police and that you would help me get them out." I was appalled and furious!  This Rich man, used us, a poor little family to do his dirty work.

Sometimes you have to be the one person fighting for your rights, and against all odds you find a way, and the creative magic begins. First rule of life, always believe in yourself. You are your own best friend.

Take Care


see tomorrow for Ill never be 'Versace', more scary stories...

Happy first of Halloween!

As I write this today, its a sunny clear day here in Hayward California. Nothing like the weather I was used to in true Northern California, Redding my old haunt my past life, one that I cant forget.  I have many new and wonderful things to talk about today much of which is intensely personal and somewhat difficult to divulge, but there has been some epiphanies to remember and certainly worth writing about.

Isn't it funny how we remember our life?  We can choose to remember it the way it was, or with time we can create a new memory, altering the reality of the old one, to make it golden, this beautiful and warm color that somehow hides the hard edges and softens the sharp painful realities.I have golden memories of untainted moments I love, and I have some not so great ones... Funny, is a word that can mean, ha ha funny, or strange funny, I think in this case its strange how we can alter our memories. Anyone familiar with the Harry Potter series will find this subject parallels the Half Blood Prince edition, book 6 in the extremely popular and powerful stories about a wizard that has been marked for death by a staunch enemy.  You might not even know what that book is about, but you know the name Harry Potter, or you might think good gracious its about Magic and freak out on me that I am somehow evil and not capable of truth.  I cant tell you what to think, nor will I try to convince you anything about magic or the HP series, with that said, I can tell you that there is a wonderful scene in the movie where Dumbledore shows Harry a  vivid memory he has managed to save ; Dumbledore also informs Harry that this memory has been tampered with by the same person that created it, after which he says why would anyone do this?  And of course the answer is, because they are ashamed of it, and they don't want to remember it the way it really happened. OOOH Scary!

 I am afraid that if you cant relate to this, we might have some problems with the rest of this little blog today, because this the part where I say, YEA~!  Who hasn't done this?  I mean, I have some crazy memories that I would  like to forget that I cant, and I just don't tell the whole story, sure that's easy.  Hiding how we really feel that's when we are being polite, to others, who needs to know our problems anyway? But actually changing them, so that we believe something different because we are afraid that we did something that was so wrong, we might not forgive ourselves, this is far more nefarious. Why cant we at least be honest with ourselves,  we know that Dumbledore isn't really going to pull them from our subconsciousness so why do we do this?  

Recently, I have made some very difficult choices to move and separate myself from my spouse of 23 years, this is a big deal for me, and its not come without much pain and suffering for everyone invloved.  There isn't one memory that makes or breaks a relationship, married people are very tolerant by definition, and we can alter the simplest of days to be colorful, for the sake of joy. In every family it's normal to have skeletons in the closet.  The problem with us, was we had filled the closets and the ghosts were just too much for us, it was haunting to live day to day with the problems we had. Problems cropped up all over town, it was stressful and depressing. I could no longer alter the days and nights in my reality-or mind, to be better, I could no longer withstand the pain and smile or shove the dirt under the rug, it was clear the shoe had dropped and I had to be the one to make the change or it was going to be made for me. This was like a guillotine for me, it was cutting of my nose despite my face, was I going to be better off? Or would this be a huge mistake? I really felt that I was ready for a change, but would the kids be ok...I just had to do something, before it all blew up! ( and it sure did! )

Time can only tell right?  Well so far, I have had the opportunity to work, very hard at a new job that I absolutely love,  this new challenge and distraction makes for a life that requires more organization, more skills, more ability to meet people and new experiences....OR is it? Why does it seem as if, its just exactly like it was before, why do I feel like this is all so familiar.??? Working in a Doctors office, with all my experience, hmm no this is all new right. Well it cant be or would I even be able to do it, it has to be somewhat familiar or I would not be able to achieve it. Clue one. I choose to do  the same things over and over...

Might  it be because I moved from one family that had problems with money, alcohol and anger, to another family home, and strangely enough the same issues...and it only reminds me of the relationships I had before but walked away from because I could, and this time I cant, because its just me.  Well. this is a bit of growing up isn't it, why did I think it would be so much better, its only so much more work and now its without anyone to --blame but me.  Clue two, people are actually very similar but we see them differently when we are in love with them, we expect more from them and demand more from them...

What is this? I did that thing where I actually thought the grass was greener, I guess I should be honest and say yes, because Id be lying if  I didn't say it. Its greener where we water it, of course it dies when you neglect it. Now this one is not completely my fault, it takes two in every relationship and so this is just the place where you must be honest with yourself and say, are we happy here, No. Okay- this is not going to change with me. I cant make you happy, you cant make me happy, now what? ( try not to panic do something!)

Id also be lying if I said that I didn't miss my husband, ( yea neither of us have filed ) that I haven't all ready altered the past memories to forget the bad things,  and feel  deeply sorry-and-this is the  most important fact of all. Clue three. Perspective is everything!

In order for me to go on with my life, according to the people that want me to move on, I have to forget all about him, and find a new person.  But if I could forget all about him, then, why would I need find anyone new? When do I say that its pretty much the same mess that were all in no matter who we are with, because the struggles in life are just projections from our own inner needs.  We cannot see in other what we don't see in ourselves. If you cant be happy with you , then you cant be happy with someone else.  This epiphany came from the book is it love or is it addiction, years ago. It merely states that we as adults will search out people and experiences that heal the inner child, that recreate our childhood, and that we are just filling the holes that we remember as children.

Have you ever talked about your memories with your parents, and then gotten a completely different story from them? Sure! We cant see things exactly the way other people see them, so there is this gray area of the past, this strange gap of what actually happened and what we want to remember.  Albeit that we can retain some very good memories and there are many people who have excellent thought retaining process'. I am not here to argue with that, I am stating that it is a fact that we cant help but search out our souls desires, and many times this is because we  have wanted " it" since we were a child, and never had time or the inclination to achieve it. What ever it is!

I realized this, when I came home to be with my family and said, OH yea, Now I remember why I was determined to get out of here, and did !  When I said, this is not for me and wanted more, and then it all came back to me, I wanted more than I should have and maybe, now that I have been around the block I can only see I run the risk of repeating myself, what a fine mess this is! Clue Four. I am out of the frying pan and into the fire!

Meeting up with old friends, that just don't seem to care; friends.yea they are nice and yet so flaky, that was familiar. Talking to men, that wanted to "date" me, and they are crude and insensitive just focusing on Sex, and the attachment, instead of the time it takes to get to be friends. And then; the truth of the early source of my hurt, the reality of my own brother that sets his mind against me like the familiar oh so painful childhood, that made me so insecure, was the tipping point, it was then it hit me.  I had it all, we really had it all, what happened? Clue five. I was not paying attention to the reasons I had made for myself from the beginning! OMG

Life falls apart, and we don't appreciate the good things until they are gone, and in Love we let the ties bind us too tightly and loose our natural flow of give and take, of freedom and growth. We join the ranks of thttp://youtu.be/jPDh0F67YsAhe Jones's and Simpson's and never realize that maybe we are closer to Addams' and we are so weird and obscure that we most like do belong together after so much-- time together.  I am not disappointed that I have moved on with my life here, because this is what it takes to grow. The details of the break up Id really like to alter, unfortunately its all too sad, written here and if thats not bad enough -my subconsciousness does not let me.

 I wanted to share today that time does make us better partners with ourselves and our choices. And the good news is- space and time can be the very best teachers, because nothing teaches like experience.

There are clues all around us, all you have to do is observe and not react. I wish for more time now, more peace and yes more real friendships.  We shall see what the future holds. The Truth really does set us free.

LOVE

LIZ

Will Smith " I make this look good..."

Why do I believe? Sometimes I don't really know what to believe and once I tell you this story you can ask yourself the same thing...Did you like the movie Men in Black, did  you ever wish it was true?
 I would love to talk to Will Smith about it sometime..when he has time. Do you have time? Do you kill time, or buy time, or cheat it?

Einstein said it was possible...some have said that there were time machines, and they were destroyed because of the danger they posed, that's science fiction for us, but this story I am about to tell you isn't.
Nobody cheats time. Nobody.  I learned this the hard way. I tried to. I tried to walk away from who I really was and become another person. I remember it like it was yesterday, because its one of those things in my life that I wish I could forget, but it haunts me and here we are are once again looking down upon a day that never fails to shake my whole understanding of reality to the core.
Some sort of space oddity happened to me on the ninth day of the ninth month in 1981, and to this day the only person who has ever come close to touching on it, was Dan Akyroid speaking of his Alien experience, or the " Men in Black " movies.
How many times have you seen this tell me-- (  I make a sign of the cross- and ask for strength) ( I have been unable to publish this before- because SOMETHING stops me-I will be amazed if this works..)

Picture me as a freshman in high School, sitting alone on a City bus, at a station known as Fourth and Heatherton. I am waiting for the bus to take me home, but I have to wait at this transient place, for at least 20 minutes, but that tiny stop feels like an hour. I still avoid and have 'fear" of transient places, Buses and me   ah no.  No more.

The freedom of my Summer , in marvelous Marin is paradise. Filled with sunshine,  wealthy people and rich houses right out of Architectural Digest, everyone drives a Mercedes and the kids drive BMW's.  We walked to a safe summer pool and frolicked with surfer guys and got tan and shed pounds like a retreat  so far away from my Mothers house in foggy Berkeley I thought I was one of these elite bronze beauties. But my summer  is over and its a  muggy hot August afternoon in downtown San Rafael.  I return from my private school in Kentfield in a way that no one else did, some kids had a Limousin pick them up, some Rolls Royce' s, most had their own car. I took the bus, well this day I did.  This one day....I sit perched on the sticky plastic isle seat, in my Marin Catholic Uniform, as naive about the spirit world as the day is hot. And I gaze over my left shoulder to look at the busy street and the buses on the other side.  This spot is shaded by the large and looming Freeway overhead, it never feels safe to anyone who lives in California, ask me about earthquakes sometime Ill tell you how they can take a structure like a highway and turn it into an instant cemetery.  Weary from my day that was not at all normal, I just want to get home...My head wonders why did those girls say to me, "this is my class, no one runs faster than me " But when I stood up to her and said shut up I can run as fast as I want! she acted like I should have been afraid of her and looked genuinely terrified of me.  Why did the kids try to taunt me during lunch, that I had to actually-work in the cafeteria, and yet the boys looked at me more like I was a caged exotic wild animal then a freak.  It felt like I was Alice and I was on the other side of what ever glass that everyone else was living in.  I didnt want in though, that was the weirdest part, none of them really knew me, not one of those kids, knew anything about me. I had only one boy that friend-ed me, and turns out I would know him pretty well later in life, strangely enough!

I was one of the popular group of girls at my old-school when I left, too popular for my taste. I wondered if anyone wanted to learn and get smart sometimes, or was it all about the party. Also,  I had had enough of the boys groping me as I walked in the halls, and the bullying from the African and Mexican girls that completely misunderstood me. I was born this way! I am the Jessica Rabbit of the day, and sorry I cant help it! I thought I was safe from everything at this Catholic school, I was determined to be the quiet shy girl.  The one that just studies and gets good grades, and....yea, no boys.  I had been close  to few, and even that scared me. I pretended that I was a different person, and I had really believed that I had done it. I escaped the scene, and I was well on my way to forgetting the girl from Berkeley.

That is until the ninth day of the ninth month in 1981, when my whole life turned upside down, and I was never ever the same. The radio said it was square root day, and it was like a portal from some kind of supernatural place, ( Have you seen Hell BOY well that story wasn't out yet...)  My step brother had a dentist apt, and my step mother would take him, so I would be fine, I was a big girl I'd take the bus.  I was not worried. I had been in Berkeley and done it. I had roller skated that far before, ha!  What is there that can happen. What did happen, I ask you....

 Back to the naive little freshman on the bus: I looked over my shoulder, and there she was. This large women, shes at least six feet tall, shes wearing all black suit, white shirt and tie, shes a white looking adult and has reddish hair and also wears black shoes. Her looked is topped off with  a brief case and Wayfarer sunglasses. I think that's unseasonable clothing, its way to hot to wear that today, I look at her superficially, and  decide- shes odd.  Shes walking back and forth, shes pacing. It seems like shes impatiently waiting for someone, shes looking for ....shes stopping, and now shes looking right at me.  Shes turned and stopped, and now shes starring at me.  From my perspective, I think, how can she even see me across what is easily a 50 foot street?  I am shaken, and say to myself, what a freak! I wish a bus would come and hide, her. Right then , a bus did arrive and she was hidden for a second. But less than one second she is not gone, shes is now getting on my BUS.... And wait, she doesn't pay, she walks on, and doesn't pay! what the hell? She saunters past me, starring eyes like daggers. Yea, IF LOOKS COULD KILL.  She sits at the back of the bus.  I am freaking out, mortified, skin is crawling, cold sweat. AND my head is spinning as I write this it is so hard to deal with still!  I look behind me like a fool, yes she is still there and staring at me.  I can feel her looking at me, I can feel her presence, my whole being is not able to move and I just look over my shoulder and wish she was back across the street, and I want her badly to be back over where she was before== so far away.  Then at that very moment, the bus moves, and
there
 she
 is, again. Back across the street.Wish Granted? Naive no longer I being to believe I have entered the Twilight zone, lunatic fringe, the black hole.! What is this strange place that brings people dressed in black able to time travel back in forth in a second? You tell me.

The bus starts to move to the corner, and now she is walking to the corner, the bus stops, she stands in front of the bus, and time stops.  EVERYTHING STOPS> it is so surreal I can see only her, I cant speak,  and she takes off her sunglasses stands still and look at me like shes the only person on the earth. She says nothing, no words were uttered by her, I can feel something so moving about her and she seems to blurr and fade, ( see the book "Gideon," the time travel series by Elizabeth Buckley-Archer )  and at the fearful moment when think I may faint, with all that is in me I close my eyes, and decide that I wont open them for at least a count of 100.   The bus takes me to my station, no one says anything to me, no one saw her but me, not one person on the bus looks even remotely like they have just witnessed something unnatural or supernatural.  I am so shaken and afraid I go into the house, and lock myself in my room.  That's not the only naivety that will be she that night, the worse it truly yet to come.

 First oddity that I try to forget: My Step-brother had brought home a new cat, and it would find its way to ask to be let out my door, over and over, but I never let it in. It so happened to be black.

I also, vividly remember, that I did not do the dishes correctly and was subject to severe corporal punishment gone very wrong. Bleeding and bruising is not supposed to happen from the hand of a parent lovingly guiding you to the correct way to do dishes.  Needless to say, I have a different look at dirty dishes to this day. Childhood lost, hell hath no fury like an angry parent.

 I tried to run away that night, and of course my Mother was called and I was given a choice...What would you do?


This would begin a chain of events that I would eventually chalk up to "the 9th day" .

Including the last day at my beloved Marin Catholic, where a book called the Devil followed me. From class to class, and even when left it on the ground in the hallway. It would end up inside my locker. I was numb, I was in shock and I was torn from my house and my Step Brother and Sister and placed back with my Mother, real Brother and Step Father.  I would start School at Albany High, just three days late; MC started a full month earlier, and I had not missed  much school at all.  It was as if it never happened.  No one knew, that I had just been in this horrific traumatic ungodly experience, and I felt evicted from Paradise.  Back to where I belonged,(?) my old friends all greeted me and I went back to the person I was before. So everyone thought...I had this little secret, and when I even thought about telling even a part of it, I knew it was too weird, and I wanted so badly to be a good girl. A perfect family, and nice girl. So I hid it. I pretended it didn't eat me up inside and make me this oddity. And I was no longer the naive little girl, I was going to have to handle much more intense ghosts to come.

I will be able to share more of what happened after that first ninth day, when I feel that this one has passed, but it sure feels like this one is going to hurt me as badly as any of them. This week I will do my best to pray and be positive.  But I look for the odd people, I see the strangest things, and I often think, I see dead people.  If you read this, have mercy. I hope that you have enough compassion to NOT copy it or sell it, I have never ever published this before.  I fear that it will be used against me, and someone will use it for the wrong reasons.  Its not a joke or a hoax. This is not a fictional story, it really happened to me, and I have some answers to what it is. If you think that taunting me with strange comments will gain you favor or power of something let me tell you what happened on the day of 9 -11.  I was eating dinner with my estranged father at the time, and he asked me for the key to the house back since I was no longer living at his house.  I had known that this was a sore spot for me, and I had lost my key, and then my step brother had given me his key, and then I finally had been given my fathers key.  I was more than shocked when I reached into my purse and pulled out the key ring that clearly had three keys on it...and it was then that I knew. We live in a illusion of control, and this spirit was messing with me. I was going to have to be stronger than I ever wanted to be,  I didn't ask for this, and I didnt know why it was happening to me.  But I was not deceived by my eyes, now I had a witness.

What started there, didn't stop. I can list some of the strangeness, but it has never ended for me, developing into what are clairvoyant dreams of natural disasters like the Burning Oil Wells in the 89 Iran War. Loma Preata earthquake, the Bombing in Atlanta, the Earth Quake in LA and in Japan, the Twin Towers and more... some so deathly scary I cant begin to know why I should see such things.

Yes I am a Church going believer, because I have run for protection. My life was dark before the lady on the bus as I call her, and I have sought the light to make a choice, to say that I believe. Today this day I struggle with my life, supernatural events never cease to amaze me, and I  need  everyone who loves me to lean forward and say a prayer for me.


  I am not telling you what to believe, you tell me


....pennies really do fall from heaven.

Peace be with you, today and always. In Christ our savior.

time to go shopping

I posted this- for fun!

I think its time for a break from all the seriousness of the news today and just HAVE A LITTLE FUN!

I know we are all supposed to be so aware of the worlds issues, its a terrible time to be human. The downgrade of the USA credit, the stock market has crashed, and everywhere news is showing us doing more crimes, more hateful riots, more scenes of sadness...and in HD too. BUT really-0-Have you seen the bargains, omgosh girls this is a great time for us shoppers- there are stores that are selling brand names for less, and we don't have to be in an air port or know-that they are illegal knock-offs. You can get so many amazing electronics on sale for practically -nothing...unless you want to watch the news, or read the internet news...its your choice,]=

We all can choose to see the headlines, or we can say today I choose a different truth. Today I choose to be good to me, and even though I care about all that other stuff going in the world, since I cant change it all -=-and its not going to be the worst thing that ever happened, today I am going to tune out the negative stories all around me. No matter what, the world goes on, life goes on with or without you knowing the news, and tomorrow will be new news, you can afford to miss one day. Or two to or even three.

Remember when it was a big deal to see the glow of a digital watch, and they were only for the rich? How about the calculator, remember that? It used to be those were so expensive, you were really in the elite crowd to own one. Well those days are gone, you can get a calculator in any size, shape color for any kind of math problem and you can get it at the local Target. We take that for grantid, like so many other great achievements, we have accomplished, once its been done, it seems as if we humans just get over it, and go on to the next best thing. No one talks about how great we were, because its just not done. We don't rest, we don't sit, we don't enjoy or even relax in the moment, because we fear we will get behind, we wont be better than someone else...

When we take the time, to sit and relax, we can clear our minds and let go of all that has come to pass. Take a moment now to appreciate your life, your own space that you behold. Observe your surroundings and take stock of what you can do that is positive. Talk to yourself, its ok. Tell yourself, that you are ok no matter what happens on that TV or radio or outside those walls. And if you are reading this and you are a traveler, I hope that you are able to really able to find peace in the moment by observing the rush of being not in control of your surroundings, and just accepting that all around you is life. Life happens around us, and its what we do that happens to us, usually. Beyond the truly unexpected, and the unusual, we can see that it is what we do that effects us. So why then do we worry? Why then do we complain? Why cant we just be at peace...

I remember that "days like these" came and went when I was a child too, it seemed like the adults back when I was young were much more, should I say, HUSH HUSH about the shame of the day. We just didn't want to know what Nixon was doing, our parents were stoic about that. Why do we need to know everyone's business now? Why do we need to know that that woman hurt her child, that man stole that money, that company is going down the tube? When will the news start to be the good news, the good story ? When we stop watching the hole and start watching the doughnut...? My Father loves to say that. He has all these quaint and sweet phrases that seem to medicate my day with old fashioned antidotes, these traditional things we used to say that charmed even the saddest moments. Each day he'd leave for work and say, I am off to see the wizard! what a nice way to say goodbye-without saying goodbye! It was no illusion to me where he was going, even if he said that to me every time.

Well, not remembering things the way they really happened is a dangerous concept, and will most likely end in disaster.

We know that history has taught us much about the human experiment. Whether you believe we evolve or that we are divinely guided there is always pain, there will always be disappointment. And where there is a time and a place to be sad, and feel compassion, remember how far we really have come. We should try not to let the news of today, color the great traditions we have made for ourselves here. We are the artists in this life, we choose the crayon right from our own box of colors, its no ones job but our own to pick out our moods color. If I resolve to be blue, I can laugh at myself, and I can nurture myself, and you can choose to like it or not. I cant paint you blue, or bright red, or black as night. We are humans, and if we are going to survive this world of shame and blame, its time to start remembering our greatest achievements, our greatest moments and relish in that moment. It is enough, we cant ask for more right now, not even a second serving. What we have is enough, because today- right now--everything is open and available for everyone...in the USA. It really is, so much more than what was available or for those that were here in the beginning of this century. We dont need to go that far back, think about those that were trying to survive just 50 years ago. When we look back, we really have it made today. Freedom is being fought for on so many levels, and though life will never be perfect we are surely going in the right direction, at LEAST in the way of communication. You don't have to talk about anything, but in this year of 2011, you can talk about anything. I don't let others with negative influences put me in a box, no matter who they are. I am so proud of my friends that are working directly with others to help battle slavery, and injustices of human rights!! Way to go ! HUMAN RIGHTS if you dont know how luck you are to have them, wait until you DONT! Its ok to say NO, its ok to be you! Its ok to travel, its perfectly all right to have FUN!!

I hate to say it, but shopping in this great country is a great triumph, we can buy just about anything we could possibly want, really. We hardly need money with all the ways you can buy, plastic cards hold the key to access any products we can imagine. We have so much to choose from, we shop ourselves into thinking we need more than the person in the store with us, its not just the Jones' we keep up with now, its the famous. Still, even with all that we have achieved we should admit, under the surface, beneath it all, the same truth exists now that has haunted us from the beginning of time. Loneliness.

Nothing cures the feeling of alone, no money or material item can achieve it. We all need to be connected, and we all need to be accepted. So we shop, we go out, we talk, we write, we drive and we work. We also care, and hopefully we laugh and find those who will laugh with us, and keep us from getting too serious. Times have been tough, that will not change if we can never be satisfied with what we have. The more we give in to the world of want, the less we actually have.

Laugh now, while you can, it can get worse...and if we dont care to make sure that our youth is laughing we are setting the stage for those that may seek forceful control, like those that hurt so many, with unforgiving resentment.

Laugh at yourself, today if you haven't lately. Look at your phone and your stove and your sport shoes and think what would your Grandfather would have said to you, about how much they cost and how you must be very rich to have them. And it will be true. You have so much! More than meets the eyes; you have the richness of knowing now, what no one knew back when your Grandfather was your age...

You dont have to be better than anyone, you can be you, and that is sufficient. You are enough for you...

Grace and peace be with you, today and always.

LIZ

its the little things that get to us...

Its a good day to write for me, after a long long break from it. I have been yoked with a feeling to write about the what it is that children teach us, what it is that they show us, and how much they can change our lives. Its funny to me to think about my kids because I know all their stories, because of course they are my stories too, but I get it when people who dont have children dont get my fascination, they cant. I mean how can you possibly know what it would be like, if you havent been there right?

Sure thats easy, people cant understand what they just dont know. But is that just an excuse?

Really, the truth is anyone should know about children, because even if you dont have any, you were a child once, everyone was once. We all wore diapers, we all learned to walk and talk and go to school and stub our toe, loose a tooth, and skin our knee, all of us, in truth we are all very similar. Its the experiences that hurt most we remember, often the best of times, we tuck away, and dont remember. Oddly the pain is what is easiest to pull up for most of us. We are most of us just bumbling through life, wondering why and how and what to do...

I know there are those really rare exceptions, people who claim to have super grown-up personalities and adult-likeness' as youngsters. But ask anyone who actually raised one those gifted children, there is not a one, that is completely mature, because that can only come with life, with the years that pass the knowledge of living it in a way that teaches a youthful ...right? Or is it ...Does our knowledge actually come, via our DNA, and we are simply programmed to act a certain way and we as adults are just mere puppets to our own brain, does our personality evolve over time or is it embedded in our prewritten information that is scripted to create our skin, our teeth our bones and our eyes, and even our thoughts? I have studied this concept with my bible study class and the well educated Pastor, who thinks that yes, we as humans do tend to repeat the same actions over huge spans of time, and even within in the family have similar thought patterns, it makes sense right? People say that, smart kids from smart families, mean kids from mean families. Ask any parent no one wants to believe that we cannot change the past or change behavior patterns that arent healthy, of course not. Is it really that easy, ask a parent that has a child that wants to have a sex change, or is openly gay. It is the society that forms the "acceptable" concepts, sometimes we know we cant conform, we cant be normal...is that really so hard to believe. Not if you understand child rearing, and how the brain actually grows as in infant, and what we can actually see happening thanks to remarkable research in this field.

There is a well known Doctor by the name of T. Berry Brazelton, who is an excellent writer, hes also an infant specialist and pioneer of study of the infant brain, inventing the APGAR test for newborns. He has an entire hospital named after him and his care is so famous that a television show titled " What every baby knows" launched his ability to show care for infants all over the world via television. It was when I had my children that I was introduced to this Doctor of the brain, and within the grasp of deep love for raising a well rounded child, I found out that we are actually smarter than we realized in the past, just as infants. He says that according the way you treat a child from birth to age five, the brain will grow all of its tree like patterns and connections, and the more stimulation and more activity the better. I also found out that you can tell the personality of an adult from a very young age, and that it is almost impossible to try to change the way a child actually behaves, with corporal punishment. Dr.Brazleton has this phrase in his book, "Touch points" where he helps the parent understand the difference between reacting to a child in a way that helps the child to separate -the behavior, and the actual person. The Phrase is used to teach the child love and understanding of his own life, the moment I heard it I loved it, and I still use it to this day because it makes sense. " I love you, but I dont like it when you act like that, and I will stop you, each and every time, until you learn to stop yourself." It means, the action is bad, not the child. It also says, I love you and I will stay with you, no matter what, until the child can handle it on his own, promise. I loved the moment I was able to get to the place where saying this was enough, it was all I had to say, and I could stand back and relax. This lesson did not come without, deep and painful thoughts of my own childhood and while I was working through my own life experiences, I wondered why had I not been treated this way...I had to endure seeing behaviors that mimicked my own childhood through the eyes of a parent, this time it would be up to me to handle the situation, this time I would be the one in charge.

Quickly we realize when faced with situations that ditto our childhood that we were supposed to go through it, to feel it, to learn from it and to remember what we would have wanted to be better, had we had the chance. The childhood behavior that is the most common is sibling rivalry. Dr. Brazelton teaches that parents are not to be involved, and literally to let the children "fight it out". To learn to deal with life issues on their own, but he also says that it is important to set the example as the adult that a constant circle of safety exists within the family home, in the arms of the parent, and in the eyes and smile that encourages even in the toughest times, even in the most scary moments when a child needs to find control. This lesson will adhere to the soul of the child forever, and you know in a the first heartbeat of your child, you are going to be tested as the parent, you pray you never fail that test.

Hugs and consistent words are easier for young children to pattern. He used the examples of the African mothers, who when they go for walks, sing a long song for a long walk, and a short song for a short walk. Simple consistent songs that give a safe pattern of understanding, without really having to explain exactly about the time of the walk itself. Brazleton also used other examples, but for me the music resonates; I loved the idea that in the middle of nowhere, a mother who probably doesnt have much on her back or much to wear, will sing, for comfort to her child. This has got to be the most universal way to show compassion to a youngster, to sing a sweet familiar tune, using your voice as an instrument that soothes is as easy and as simple as can be, its also completely free. Sometimes I am positive that is why we as adults cling to music, for comfort, because for every human that has ever been comforted as a youngster, there was most likely a larger loving human that sang to them in some fashion, as we have long codes of DNA that desires music like food for the brain. Positive vibrations from the voice are easily recognized no matter where you live. A radio can bring music in the most remote and far off places, of course musicians have the ear for celebrating the diversity of notes required for the individual. Even the deaf, find comfort in in knowing words through hand motions, and try to connect via words, we all find ways to connect, sometimes positive, and sometimes painful.

Sadly the human voice can be used for painful things beyond sweet soothing sounds of traveling songs. We as humans can say words that cut like knives through the toughest of hearts, leaving the helpless victim to bleed invisibly, without any hope of medical treatment, only time can heal that kind of wound. Words can wound us, more than fists or knives, words can permanently damage us and even create patterns of thought that persevere over long periods of time. Its a lot like a weed that has been allowed to take root, nothing to show for the top of the plant, but the roots make it a formidable enemy, able to push up anywhere and reseeding itself just when you think its dead. But we are not weeds, we are for the most part smart, and we are able to process the information as adults that may have held us back as children, and separate ourselves from that time. Only to make us smarter, stronger, and hopefully functionally able to help others to believe that we can endure that kind of pain, and we are not the only beings going through the suffering, we are not alone.

Children do this without knowing it, they look up at us and show the face of fresh untarnished skin, and gaize upon us with such faith and trust that no adult can resist the lure of love from such innocent eyes and heart. We usually melt and speak in baby talk, hoping that they cant see our inner hurts, our own stubborn patterns of childish excuses. We can be exposed in a minute by a child that has a new ability to see life and express himself with words, why else would we coin a phrase, " from the mouthes of babes" because children say and do exactly as they please. Until we are taught by our parents or by some unfavorable event we will do the things that please us, and until we have children we will only live for what we have been patterned to do from our own childhood.

I ask you this, do we all grow up, or are some of us grown up to begin with? I think this kind of question deserves the response of others, and to each his own mind to decide. It is only us that can judge ourselves, and in the eyes of those we love we can ask for resolutions to the questions that we ourselves put upon our hearts and our own minds. It is in the Bible that we see timeless knowledge laid out, to show how we can learn from what is good and bad, or whatever you believe it to be, these stories parallel our own experiences. Go back to the beginning of books we want to share thoughts, we can understand so much from others, that were all once children, and grew up in similar ways to us.

I will be pondering the thoughts of who is grown up and who defines what is being grown up, really, that is to come...

Through this new chapter of my writing about my life I hope that you as a reader might have the strength to see that we can heal the inner child that has been hurt, and we can separate ourselves from the behaviors of others, and not separate from the person, because love teaches us with a strong heart, we need eachother and we can choose to remember something good -even if its just getting smarter from a tough experience. You are amazing you lived through something very scary or tough or sad, you have learned from it, and no one can take that away from you.

http://saddleback.com/internetcampus/live/

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

Happy Father' s Day

Here's to all the Dads out there Looking good!! Xx

:s

Heart broken

Heart sick

Heart ache

Rocky road- pain and suffering

Sit with me dove, hold my hand peace, grant me life O Lord.

I cannot go through this without you, I am standing in the unknown river of fear, and working on the future. Forgetting today.

I'll let go of sadness of shadow and stand in the light and hope and faith.

Prayers of love please

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

Sink or Swim

Redding can be a beautiful place to live. In the beginning, I loved the weather extremes , actually experiencing all four seasons brought great comfort to me. Christmas lights made sense, you cant see your house in a snow storm! All the outside activities charmed my family’s hearts. Biking, hiking , fishing and boating, on jewel blue lakes is something everyone should try at least once in your life. But being stuck on a houseboat with the people, even those that you love ( for at least three days and nights), will either make your friendship, or break your patience and have you running for shore. It is a serene feeling to have no cars, or sounds of cars, or buildings around you and the huge majestic mountains seemed dressed up in their best trees and shrubs and flowers at all times. Now crazy boaters do exist, but you can always find a way to get to someplace where it feels like no man can find you or take away this, space, you have claimed. Mt. Shasta is beautiful too-all year round, skiing is amazing especially when it doesn’t cost you a fortune, or take more than 1 hour to get there. There is also a nature preserve very near my house that has a 3 mile paved or dirt trail to exercise. From that space you can see all three mountain ranges while enjoying the bird sanctuary on the flat land. In the evening, the sun sets and the white snow turns from pink to purple to Fuchsia, its spectacularly -breath taking and awesome.

Beauty is all around you here, BUT, it’s ironic because some of the worst fast food offenders are available at every corner to make you too fat to enjoy half of the wonders that are offered here. Big box stores, and low budget clothing stores are all that is available. (No worry though, there isn’t much to do anyway- really, but it’s within three hours of Ashland Oregon or San Francisco.) You can hang out at the Cascade theater and sip wine at a local wine bar. But if you have ever been outside this town, and actually been to the wine country it wont be easy to find a wine you recognize or a packed show with a Broadway cast either. Its like someone took this beautiful area with the best hiking and biking trails and natural wonders, and just let the local Kmart plastic Barbie design the city. Complete with new palm trees down town, and plenty of motor home parks. I loved it here for the first few years, it was a season of exploration. A season of growing up, and learning. Some of us grew, and some of us learned. Some of us fished, and some of us suffered through some very red neck grade schools, with -one- African American student. ( don’t get me started) And then we realized its 110 degrees here in the summer… extreme heat that requires you to fear your cars metal parts, not having air conditioning is worse than not having deodorant to cover up the sweat you will exude while walking to your car/oven . Few will wear practical shoes in summer, only flip flops,( no one says thongs anymore) and the cheaper the better. You start to think about what good baseball hats you own, sunglasses and thick sunscreen at all times, even inside! If only we all looked like Newport beach or Laguna, its more like NASCAR meets Burger King. Everyone carries a water bottle, because you drink enough water to feel like and look like water- balloon ready to pop at any moment…clothing becomes less important and you start to think you might just grab a light beer and sit on the porch in a chair with your radio on wondering what the rest of the world is doing speak like dis. ( AH!!) It makes you wish it was winter again, snowing freezing, and you’re putting on the heater in your house. Heater bills, cooler bills, water bills, it becomes a strange monotony of trying to fight the weather, especially if you have ever lived in a temperate climate like Marin County or Berkeley Ca. Mother Nature is not taking requests, you either respect her or she will teach you’re a lesson you wont forget. And the utility-bills you don’t forget either.

As the seasons changed, so did I. I weathered many storms, and grew new branches. It was always my priority to make sure my kids had good opportunities, safe and healthy places to play. And have innocent fun, simple truths of childhood like walking to school, field trips to Whiskey Town Park, Skiing and walking the river trail. My goals were always to focus on the family, not the problems. Not the real problems that hurt me. While I was busy with kids and a house, and work, I was not effectively dealing with larger problems that looming very near to me. I chose not to see them. I didn’t want to, I wanted my life to be perfect. It was very easy to hid behind the curtain of the busy mom persona, and just accept that my issues with Steve would eventually pan out.

At First , the kids were too little to notice my pain. Even though my Father could see my life was upside down, and was quite concerned, he was caring enough to support my life choice. Kids first, I have the blessing of children, because I have Houdini, stories for all three, life is amazing isn’t it? He stepped in as a good grandpa. He was more than a band aid, he was a nanny, cook, and best friend. He was coach, teacher , disciplinarian and a stand up guy, so that I could work all the odd hours that a four star Resort would require. Late nights, Holidays and weekends, were my usual hours, I was the mom in the day, but at night I was doing sometimes 5 course dinners until 2 am. It was hard on me, I was glad to have my kids covered. Because the nights when My spouse was home after his 8 hour work day, alone with the kids, he was often to drunk to do the good father production, like make dinner do homework or play with the kids. Most often he was passed out, and the little ones were left to their own. I had no idea until a neighbor called me, and said Your husband in on the floor, I think he’s dead! It was a pattern that would eventually become such a problem that odd behavior would resound each evening and hearing about from the kids wasn’t the worst of it. It came to pass that the Police would get involved and it wasn’t pretty. I was devastated.

After my Father went to Texas we had no pacifier for the little ones. A large and obvious hole appeared, and the stress began to tear the family apart. Why didn’t I want to see the falling of our family? Why was I numb to it? Because I got scared. Scared to lose it all, and it made me numb.

Maybe it was because I finally figured out a way to own a real home, complete with cats and roses and insurance. There were so many commitments, schools, friends, church and the idea of quitting is about as feasible as standing in a river and expecting it to stop flowing by the simple act of standing in it. Or like trying to keep a small boat with oars in one place on the River (of emotions.)

Stopping an entire River-midstream, is a requirement we can only ask God to do. So I waited for a sign. I prayed and kept the faith that my Church said would be there for me. I was just floating downstream in a tiny life boat , me and my kids, with no oars and I was just hoping for swift current to take me to a warm safe shore. Without the help of my spouse to raise my children, I might as well have been left to the sharks on the pacific ocean. But my love and commitments ran deep for my family, and just saw my little boat as my duty, and I had stayed afloat for the past ten I was sure I’d make another ten. Meanwhile, the river flows, on and on. I hear rushing waters music, and I am no longer scared. I learned to stay still and quiet, and careful not to rock the boat. I learned quickly to watch and listen for the ebbs and flows. Some days the river was very strong, and I had to work hard to stay afloat. I would just paddle feverishly, all day until I was exhausted, I’d do two jobs often and working nights. That also meant I also would not have to deal with him. Working kept my mind happy and away from the emotional currents at home. Some days, it was calm, and beautiful at home, I was able to create the visual setting that could relax the most wild animal, complete with music and BBQ and candles. It felt like floating on your back, calm and still in the life stream, just taking in the sun; I really believed it was getting better.

The intoxicating power of the immeasurable life force of a real river is a constant reminder of just how small you are, and how little anyone can control the bigger picture. Then, just when I thought I had the hang of it all, everything changed. I can no longer sit still, the pain is too great and it makes that tiny motion, in that moment, a ripple effect on the river and we start to rock this little boat we live in. It’s a scary feeling, your whole world starts to feel unsecured. I had to decide to hang on, or watch it all tip over, sink or swim…But if one of us falls in we all fall in, there is no other way. We’re all in the same boat, what you do over there, no matter how small effects us over here. In good families, the storm will rock the boat, and test the waters. It’s a opportune time to show the strength in numbers, for the Father to be the shield or the Mother to be the bear. I learned to be a bear, and that isn’t always good for anyone. Father disappeared when we needed it the most. He fell into the river, and seemed to sink to the bottom depths of greed and want. Thirsting for all that he saw and hungering for more than he could ever afford. I watched but did not see, him fall for all the traps that a man in charge can step into. I could not stop him from falling into habits of gambling, and loans, and credit cards. His job became his family, but he lived and breathed for his friends, and began to separate himself from the people that loved him, for the people that paid him. Falling over and over into the traps of what he wanted forgetting all about the effect it would have on the future of his home and family. He fell and fell deeply into debt. I really had no idea.

Falling in really isn’t so bad. The rush of the cold water can be invigorating, cleansing, awakening, if you’re ready for it. If you’re mature enough to know what to do. Younglings cant be expected to know what to do, learning to swim is a valuable skill, falling isn’t.

Living on top of your emotions all the time is a ride that either weakens or strengthens. You will find out what you’re made of what you’re able to handle, and what you’re carrying around. Other people who notice you floundering will offer sticks to hold onto, they are doing what they can. Most of the time it’s a short stick, and unable to really pull you out of the river of emotions.

But after paddling the little boat in the river of emotions, and waiting for the current to change, the water finds its way in. Your feet get cold and you start to miss the comforts of a stable life. The boat I sit in has many holes, and I am up to my neck in freezing cold water, I am afraid., and my body is going into shock. I need comforting, I need to get out of this boat. I yearn for friends and quiet. For safety and sanity. Hungry for something else, I wonder what would it be like to be in another persons arms. It breaks my heart, and I wake up from my dream of 23 years of love. What happened, where am I? I begin to question what my whole life is about, nothing feels the same. Where did we go wrong, what did I do to deserve this….I hunger for answers…

We starved because we did not fish for friends together, We got burned because we did not cover your debts. We stepped on each others toes because we didn’t move onto bigger and better things when we knew we should have.

When you are sinking in the water, only you can save you.

No one can swim for you.

Other people can hold you up under their arm and pull you, or tie you to a rope and pull you out, But only you know how to swim for yourself. We keep ourselves afloat or we pull others down with us.

How long can I swim upstream to get back up and be with the big fishes? How long can I really last against the current? I was okay for awhile, but the season changed me. I know the river I navigate, is swollen and overwhelming, like the tears that fall down upon my face as it all becomes too hard to handle. I find the strength to pull myself to the side and rest on the warm sandy shores. I look to new horizons after I have drifted for what feels like years. My skin is tan and leathered from the sun, my face is creased from the squint of my refocus. I pull myself to the warm sand bar and lay still for awhile. And as I rise from the shore, I can smile and take the hands of friends. I have been washed in the river of mercy and graced with the hope of new memories to come.

This is now my time. My turn to hold the rudder, my season to fill the sails and chart a new course.. And since you bailed out of my boat long ago I will find a new speed I need to behold new shores of calm waters and cool breezes.

Farewell to romance

@Wise_Strides, 5/22/11 10:11 AM

Lafate Smith (@Wise_Strides) 5/22/11 10:11 AM 'Hypersexual disorder' may be put in diagnostic manual (orlandosentinel): At an annual meeting, psychiatrist... feedzil.la/mSJZOZ

Liz 

www.pandawishes.com 

School of rock jack black

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8ZL6UoRlY4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Your sixth sense is your sense of humor!

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

From a good friend

Thank you Sandra Mussey

"We are all choicemakers, not victims and we can choose to say NO to a 
situation that isn't nourishing to us or our families.  And if we can't heal the 
conflicts or change the situation into something nourishing, then I truly 
think our intuition clicks in and starts coaching us to move away from 
something toxic."

Blessings of the Internet email

Liz 

www.pandawishes.com 

http://definitions.uslegal.com/l/loitering/

Liz

www.pandawishes.com

Fwd: More Prayers

Liz 

www.pandawishes.com 

Begin forwarded message:

From: Karen Frost <jkfrost@sbcglobal.net>
Date: April 29, 2011 2:03:29 PM PDT
To: jkfrost@sbcglobal.net
Subject: More Prayers

Psalm 121:1-2  I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

 

Psalm 143:10  Teach me to do Thy will, for Thou art my God.  Let Thy good spirit lead me on level ground. 

 

More Prayers for Today

 

• A prayer request has come in about a meeting that will take place on Monday.  The people involved are very anxious because of past difficulties in their relationship.  Please pray that all involved will be patient and kind with each other and that the meeting will be productive.  Guide the people making the presentation so that they will be articulate and that communication will be clear.  Let the glory be to God. 
• Also, please include a prayer for those waiting for decisions to be made which can affect their well-being and livelihood.  May they know that God has heard their cry for help and will be there always. 

Amen 
 

Karen